new year, old me

 It's that time of year again - of looking back and looking forward. And I can't. I just can't.

I've not been doing great at mindfulness, filling the emptiness with podcasts and music instead, but I am still living in the moment insumuch as Now is all that exists for me. This is not all that helpful, actually. As well as not being able to plan ahead more than just saying "yes" when someone else suggests a thing, I don't seem to have done anything. Or maybe I have and I've just forgotten. But I certainly didn't do anything significant last year - no holidays, no larps, no dates, no home improvements. I played some D&D. I went dancing. My son turned 21 and got a family meal only because a good friend stepped in to help book a table. Exercise, eating heathily, not drinking an entire bottle of wine in an evening all, all fell by the wayside. I definitely read some books, and some were good. I wrote some blog posts, and some stories, I'm not sure any of them were good. 

And I can't see this year being any different. Because I can't imagine how I can change for the better. I found it hard enough to look after myself, to try and make our life better when it was me and Jess. Alone? I don't stand a chance. 

I keep thinking back to when she begged me to keep writing, because she wanted to read it, and said she'd do anything to help me find the time. I still didn't. And now, even when I try writing just for me, with no intention of publishing it here or elsewhere, I struggle. Because, what's the point of writing if not for a reader? And the reader I cared most about is gone. 

I still want to finish this short story that's sat in my drafts for a couple of months now. I have a vague idea of how it should go. I have a feeling I want to capture. I just don't think I can do it justice. I don't know who will read it. But I know who won't. So "what's the point?" keeps working it's way into my head and I don't have an answer for that. I never have an answer for that. 

I've probably written more blog posts about not writing than any other subject, it is, of course, my favourite way to procrastinate. So sorry for another one. But this is me now, stuck on repeat.

TV

Because I have been watching lots of John Green livestreams, I'm even further behind with my TV watching. Still not up to date on Critical Role, still haven't started watching Agatha All Along or last season of The Umbrella Academy.

I did watch the first episode of Everyone Else Burns, at my friend Will's behest, and it was quite good so I will go back to that. Likewise, I watched the first episode of season two of The Devil's Hour - I was sceptical that the show needed a second season but actually, it's pretty well done and I'm interested in how the story is going to develop. 

I did of course watch all of Legends of Vox Machina - now past the point I'd reached in the campaign so have no point of comparison and don't know where the story's heading. A while before that I finished my rewatch of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, probably still a comfort watch for me in the future. It was the show Jess would stick on to cheer me up when nothing else worked. I enjoyed Andor, which avoided some of the problems of the other recent live action Star Wars shows by, um, having a compelling story to tell I guess. Although it helps that I could just gaze at Diego Luna all day. I also watched all of Veronica Mars - a show I loved when it first came out but never got to see the end of. Feel a bit sad at how it ended, but mostly sad that it did end. 

D&D update

 So my weekly game met an...old woman...who lived in a copse and wanted to know all the latest gossip. She volunteered to find someone they had been looking for in exchange for them delivering a letter to "a friend". They agreed and scied in a bowl of water on a half-orc druid they used to know, and got an idea of where they are now. 

My monthly-ish group were summoned by a local noble and asked if they could save the nephew who had been petrified by an unknown creature while on a hunting trip. After doing some resarch, and taking along a couple of cannon-fodder, they encountered a gorgon which they managed to kill. Consulting a number of arcane texts, they concoct the cure and restore the Baron's nephew.