TV

Because I have been watching lots of John Green livestreams, I'm even further behind with my TV watching. Still not up to date on Critical Role, still haven't started watching Agatha All Along or last season of The Umbrella Academy.

I did watch the first episode of Everyone Else Burns, at my friend Will's behest, and it was quite good so I will go back to that. Likewise, I watched the first episode of season two of The Devil's Hour - I was sceptical that the show needed a second season but actually, it's pretty well done and I'm interested in how the story is going to develop. 

I did of course watch all of Legends of Vox Machina - now past the point I'd reached in the campaign so have no point of comparison and don't know where the story's heading. A while before that I finished my rewatch of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, probably still a comfort watch for me in the future. It was the show Jess would stick on to cheer me up when nothing else worked. I enjoyed Andor, which avoided some of the problems of the other recent live action Star Wars shows by, um, having a compelling story to tell I guess. Although it helps that I could just gaze at Diego Luna all day. I also watched all of Veronica Mars - a show I loved when it first came out but never got to see the end of. Feel a bit sad at how it ended, but mostly sad that it did end. 

D&D update

 So my weekly game met an...old woman...who lived in a copse and wanted to know all the latest gossip. She volunteered to find someone they had been looking for in exchange for them delivering a letter to "a friend". They agreed and scied in a bowl of water on a half-orc druid they used to know, and got an idea of where they are now. 

My monthly-ish group were summoned by a local noble and asked if they could save the nephew who had been petrified by an unknown creature while on a hunting trip. After doing some resarch, and taking along a couple of cannon-fodder, they encountered a gorgon which they managed to kill. Consulting a number of arcane texts, they concoct the cure and restore the Baron's nephew.  

Depression and dissociation

 CW - passive suicidal ideaton

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I've not been having a good time. Good days happen, of course, but there's this undercurrent of just not wanting to have to keep on doing *gestures* all this. I've been coping with that, for varying degrees of coping, by trying to keep busy, keep distracted, numb the feelings at all costs. This includes a lot of comfort eating and sometimes drinking a bit too much wine. 

Yesterday, I admitted to my counsellor that I was missing Jess, and missing her lots more than the previous few months. And I don't know really why she is in my thoughts more at the moment, whether this is because I am struggling or vice versa. I just miss having her around. I want someone to help me with all the practical stuff, I want someone to talk to after a day at work. At night, I wrap the duvet around myself but, whenver I roll over, I adjust it so it's still covering her side of the bed. There's just this gap where she used to be. 

So I've been listening to music and podcasts to try and distract me, but still keep lapsing into fantasy and playing out various scenarios in my head. And I'm aware this is not healthy, and have been trying to take steps to ground myself and practice mindfulness and just...not live in a fantasy world all the time. But that's tough, when reality is so unappealing. I've found myself dissociating more, not to the extent of being completely unaware of my surroundings or anything, but just getting that feeling of detachment from the outside world. Seeing everything softly out-of-focus. Finding it hard to concentrate. Feeling like I'm drifting away from my body. Or when forced to look inside, finding only a void where any sense of self used to live.

I am fine when I'm with people, and actually getting some human interaction. I enjoy my time with friends, and chats with family, and even going into work and just having people around. But whenever I'm by myself, the depression creeps back in. Today has actually been a good day, which is why I felt like I could write this. But I suspect I will still wake up tomorrow and think "another day to get through".