[Fiction] Twenty-Five Years of Submissions to My Favourite Dubious Advice Podcast

 I've been listening to a lot of Dear Hank and John so inevitably keep thinking about what I would ask, but as "*gestures at everything* help?" wouldn't make a great question, I decided to write a story instead.

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Dear Hank and John, there's a really cute girl in my quantum mechanics lectures and I kind of want to ask her out but everytime she even looks at me I just forget how to form human words. Heeyyelp?

Dear Hank and John. What are some good second date ideas?

Dear Hank and John, how do you decide on a phd topic? I've wanted to be some form of scientist since I was very young and decided to study mathematics and theoretical physics at university - I figured by the time came to do a PhD I would have an idea of what I found interesting and what I might be good at but the problem is...everything is kind of interesting? And finding something new, something genuinely new that no-one else has ever done before (which is what you need for phd) seems way to big and scary. Obviously I'm getting lots of advice from my supervisor and other researchers but I'm worried that whatever I choose I'm going end up stuck trying to make progress on for the next few years and what if I get it wrong? Am I making a terrible mistake and should I just go get a job instead? Any dubious advice is greatly welcomed.

Dear Hank and John, is a Batman themed wedding a terrible idea? My fiancée and I have been engaged for just over a year now and what started as a joke became a serious plan as we looked up ideas for accessories to add to our clothes, themed cocktails and food, invitation designs etc. We're both pretty psyched about the whole thing but my parents are convinced we're joking. I don't know how to convince them we're not, and I'm starting to wonder whether they'll just refuse to come if they find out we're really going ahead with it. 

Dear Hank and John - thank you so much for answering my question about the Bat-wedding! Just to update you, we talked to my parents and it turns out my mum thought we were going to be wearing full cos-play rather than just, you know, taking a few photos wearing masks etc. When we explained that no, my fiancée would be wearing a dress, I would be wearing a suit, they came on board with the whole idea and ended up having a great time. Attached are some pics from the big day. 

Dear Hank and John. I'm going to become a parent. I'M GOING TO BECOME A PARENT. AAAARGHHHHH!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU BRING UP A WHOLE HUMAN BEING??!!!

Dear Hank and John,  do you think there'll be long-term consequences for all the babies and children growing up under lockdown? I understand why we need to stay isolated and try and get this worrying disease under control, but I'm worried about my little girl, as she hasn't really been able to interact with anyone other than her parents. At first I suppose that didn't really matter because she was so small and we were just trying to get used to having a baby and meeting her basic needs, but she's growing so quickly now and it feels like this isolation is going on for a lot longer than we thought it would. Will she just totally freak out if someone other than us picks her up? What if this goes on for years and she doesn't get to meet kids her own age? Sorry, I guess that's unlikely. The uncertainty is getting to me.

Dear Hank and John - what do babies dream about?

Dear Hank and John, so I'm finishing off my phd and I have to start looking for jobs (and probably should have started some time ago) but I don't really know what work I want to do? I don't want to stay in academia, partly because I'm just burned out but also because it's so hard to find a permanent position and it seems unfair on my family to uproot them every two to three years as I chase postdoc places around the country. I just can't imagine what else I might be good at though, and every time I look at vacancies nothing leaps out at me as being interesting or, frankly, doable. Do I even have marketable skills? I'm a mathematician, but I can't do statistics or much coding and have pretty severe social anxiety which rules out a lot of jobs. What is there left? 

Dear Hank and John, how do you pick a name for your second child - it took us long enough to decide on the first one! If it's a boy, we're fine, because we have the unused boy's name from our first child, but we already used up our favourite name for a girl. Suggestions welcome.

Dear Hank and John, how does my four-year-old know more dinosaurs than me? Do all children go through a dinosaur phase? What's your favourite dinosaur?

Dear Hank and John, when is it ok to give up on things? Obviously just abandoning something as soon as it gets hard is not a good way to get better at doing that thing, and I do get that sometimes things that are hard are worth perservering with. But when you've been trying and failing to do the same thing repeatedly does there become a point when continuing is just creating misery for yourself? How do I give myself permission to accept there are some things I just won't be able to do?

Dear Hank and John, why are there swear words? Did we just decide as a society that some words are...bad? And if so, why?! Thinking of this as I desperately try not to accidentally teach my two-year-old swears....

Dear Hank and John, does my dog *really* understand what I'm saying?

Dear Hank-sorry, Dear John and Hank, so here's a weird situation. The window cleaner left a ladder down the side of our house, presumably by accident, but he hasn't been back to collect it and we have no way of contacting him. It's been three weeks. Do we just own a ladder now?!

Dear John and Hank, at the end of job interviews when they ask if you have any questions for them, what are you supposed to ask? All the advice I've read suggests you should ask, like details about the job or the facilities but not things like how soon you can book vacation or whatever. But...actually all the interviews I've been to have been pretty upfront about everything I would possibly want to know. The advert usually states expected start date and what the job will entail, they usually give a tour of the office so I know where I'd be sitting etc. But not asking anything makes it seem like you're uninterested apparently?! What am I supposed to do?

Dear John and Hank, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO F***ING IRON FITTED F***ING SHEETS? Or should I just not bother?

Dear John and Hank, what the heck happened to the AI revolution? Weren't we all supposed to be out of jobs by now?

Dear John and Hank, how much salt is "a pinch"? 

Dear John and Hank, why are teenagers? Just why? Was I this awful at that age? Should I go and apologise to my parents right now?

Dear John and Hank, I've been trying to "get fit" and have taken up running and...it's kind of just awful. I've heard other people talk about how good they feel after a workout etc but I just feel exhausted and, at best, relieved it's over. Am I doing it wrong? Do I need to be running harder or for longer? Or does not everyone get that "runner's high"?

Dear John and Hank, did you really think you'd still be doing this podcast now when you first started? Do you have a favourite episode or are there just too many to keep track of?

Dear John and Hank, what can I do as a parent to help my child with exam stress? She seems to be having a much harder time than I did, maybe because I was weird and actually enjoyed exams, or maybe because there's just so much more pressure on kids these days. I'm really worried, and no matter how much I try to reassure her that things will be ok regardless of how well or badly she does, she just seems to be getting more stressed. What can I do to help?

Dear John and Hank, wait - Americans don't use the word "fortnight"?!

Dear John and Hank, what's a polite way to tell people you don't want to "get over it" or "get through it" and maybe they shouldn't assume there is some kind of normal you can get back to. Like, actually, some things have changed forever, and we should acknowledge that. 

Dear John and Hank, what do you do when you feel like your life is...kind of over. My partner died last year, my kids are mostly grown up, my job is...ok. I don't have any real ambitions any more because any I did have I put aside to concentrate on my family and now just don't mean the same to me. I'm not the same person I was twenty, twenty five years ago, which was the last time I was by myself and I'm not sure what I want from life now. It all feels a bit pointless. I know i have friends and family that still care about me, it's not like I'm feelling suicidal, I just don't know what I'm supposed to *do* now. What is the point the life?

[Fiction] Doppelgängerin

Well, it was Sunday afternoon and I was just doing a bit of ironing when there was a knock at the door. I wasn't expecting a parcel or anything so I was a bit confused, but when I answered it...it was me. 

No, I mean on the other side. There was this woman who looked exactly like me, well almost - at first I thought there was something wrong but then I realised it was because I'm so used to seeing myself in a mirror and of course I don't look like that to other people, it's all reversed. But she looked just like me, even wearing clothes similar to ones I've got, only all bedraggled and stuff. Didn't look like she'd brushed her hair in days, that sort of thing. 

No, no I had not been drinking! I told you, it was the afternoon. 

Ok, I know it sounds crazy and that's what I thought - this is crazy. Maybe I've finally lost it. But she, the other me, was also just staring at me and before I could say anything she started yelling at me and barged her way in past me. She was screaming "Who are you?" and "What are you doing in my house?" and the like. Then she started asking what I'd done to Jo and Sam - 

My partner and my son. Sorry, I should have said, they were out getting Sam new shoes for school.  I didn't go because I really can't stand shoe shopping and his uniform needed ironing before Monday - 

What? Oh, the door was locked. It's just habit, I lock it behind me as soon as I get in. Don't want strangers just being able to walk in, hah! 

Sorry, I guess it isn't really funny. 

So I was getting scared, there was this crazy woman in my house, she knew about my family, and she was getting more and more agitated. I tried asking her to calm down and asking who she was, saying she must have the wrong house, stuff like that. She was tearing from room to room and I tried to get in her way a bit and stop her going upstairs - definitely stopped her going into kitchen but as I said I was scared and she looked so...so demented...

Of course I thought about calling you, I tried to grab my phone at one point but also didn't want to take my eyes off her. 

She slowed down. After a bit. She stopped running around and just stood staring at a picture of the three of us - me, Jo and Sam that is - and was muttering under her breath. I said something like, "You really have to leave," and that's when she just turned on me. Yelling, screaming, really. "You've taken over, you're taken my life! What are you? You won't take them from me!" 

She just ran at me, hands out like she was going to...I dunno...scratch me? Strangle me? Just shouting "What are you?" over and over. I guess that was when I picked up the iron. It was just self defense. 

I...I don't remember anything after that. Until I heard the sirens. I guess the neighbours called you?

Halfway through the dark

 I am not feeling very Christmas-y this year. Maybe less than usual, but it is hard to tell. I still feel like I'm treading water. Intentions to finish a couple of stories I started, to restart daily exercise, to start eating healthy again, all come and go. The sadness and the emptiness and the dark thoughts just keep welling up and I fight them down and go see friends and family and keep making plans in the short term because that's how I keep going. I don't know how much the lack of sunlight is influencing my mood so I don't know if it will get better come spring, which makes it hard to celebrate the solstice. I'm just so very tired. 

But there is new Doctor Who on Christmas Day, so that's something to look forward to. My son is home for a bit and I have two weeks off work. D&D sessions to plan for January, and maybe even dancing on New Year's Eve. Just need to keep swimming.