Finding your people

The last time I was refered to the Community Mental Health Team, one of their recommendations was I try reaching out to Kyra, a local charity that provides courses and support for women. I tried, I joined, I did a mindfulness course and do keep looking at the monthly newsletter, thinking I ought to go again, but I didn't feel like I quite fitted there. So many of the other women were struggling to find time for themselves in between work and caring responsibilties, I was struggling to do anything beyond the bare minimum required to survive. They were all so creative, every single one seemed to do some form of crafting. I have two left thumbs. I may go back. I may not.

In theory, the internet is a wonderful way for shy weirdos like me to find like-minded people. It certainly felt that way twenty plus years ago when I first had access, and I lurked on various Usenet newsgroups and discussion forums and even occasionally posted. I did feel like part of something. Now they are largely gone, replaced by various social media platforms and at some point along the way that sense of community vanished too. I stopped commenting on things, because the risk of backlash was too great. There was definitely an element of my social anxiety increasing too. Why the hell would this person who doesn't know me want to hear from me? 

When I first abandoned Twitter for Bluesky, I felt like I'd got some of that early Twitter vibe back - probably because I was following the same people, but I still couldn't bring myself to engage much beyond a "like" and so inevitably it feels a more lonely experience. Still just lurking, not having a conversation but just observing others, it doesn't really feel like I'm involved. And I know that it's on me to change that, but I'm just not sure I know how any more (if I ever did). 

I've come quite late to the various works of John and Hank Green, and while everything points towards Nerdfighteria being a wonderful and welcoming community....I don't feel part of it and more I don't feel like I can be part of it. I don't know why — maybe because I'm new, maybe because I don't know how, maybe just because I'm scared of trying to form new relationships, even behind the safety of a computer screen. That sense of disconnection that just seems to permeate my life at the moment. 

Of course, I have real life friends and acquaintances, people who have accepted me and are friendly despite my chronic shyness. I lurk in real life too, but people seem to be ok with that, and of course it's easier for them to include me when I'm physically than if I'm just a number in a viewer or follower count. I don't think I am as socially isolated as the CMHT seemed to think I was, although I am often lonely. But I do miss the broader sense of community and belonging that I used to get from, say, alt.fan.pratchett. 

Nine Things About Nine Worlds

*cough* *splutter*

Blimey, lets open a window in here and let some air in, eh?

*waves metaphorical duster about*

Ok.

We just got back from Nine Worlds 2015. It was great fun, and only caused a bit of stress because I slipped into the mindset of "Must Do All The Things!" which is impossible, especially if you need to eat. So a "Nine Things About Nine Worlds" post seemed like a good idea, as a bit of a post-event wind-down.

1. Staying in the same hotel as the con? Big and clever. Not only is the Radisson a pretty darn nice place (as you might expect from a 4-star hotel) with an impressive breakfast buffet (cheese for breakfast - it's the way forward), but virtually no travel time means you get to experience much more of the event. Case in point: dragging an already tired 11 year old to Just A Minute Only a Moment starting at 10 pm would be impossible if it wasn't just a two minute walk back to our room at the end. 
2. Only a Moment! I've been wanting to see one of Paul Cornell's fabled "Just A Minute"s at a con for some time now and wasn't disappointed. Joe Abercombie all but walked away with it, but all four panellists were great and even the Boy enjoyed it despite being shattered and not understanding half the topics (or indeed, all the rules). 
3. All the panels and discussions we made it too were pretty good: some better moderated than other, but interesting, well-informed panellists, good humour and audience participation were the order of the day. I never had the courage to ask a question, but the Wife did a fair bit and got some good responses. 
4. We took a stack of books down to get signed and actually got them all signed, despite missing one scheduled session. This is because Joanne Harris is lovely and recognised us from previous day and a book-signing we went to earlier in the year. And possibly Twitter.
5. Actually all the authors we spoke to were lovely. As well as the three mentioned above, we bought and has signed Snorri Kristjansson's first book after seeing him on a panel. And not just the authors - every single person we interacted with was friendly and helpful. I just wish I hadn't had an attack of shy every time I approached someone: just about managed to give away my "Awesome Cosplay" tokens.
6. We bought other books too - some that we'd been meaning to get for a while as well as those on a whim. With the freebies given away in the goodie bags, we came home with quite a lot of books. Just before moving house. Oh well.
7. Genki Gear t-shirts! I splashed out on the convention tee, the Boy got the classic "Hamsters Everywhere Salute You" and the Wife got one of their 10 for 10 - the new "Science Investigates the Unknown". 
8. It's not all positives though: the popularity of some panels meant unless you got there early there was no chance of getting in - resulting in long queues and quite a few disappointments. And having the Boy in tow meant I didn't feel up to running about trying to squeeze into second or third options. 
9. Once again, I tended towards the All The Books track and once again I came away thinking "I should try writing again". And so I will. 

Definitely, definitely going again next year. With more flexible plans but hopefully more courage to get involved.

That Was The Weekend That Was X

Social life suddenly rather busy this weekend, with three friends coming round Friday for drinks and games, and then another two on Saturday. Friday night we introduced some people to Betrayal at House on the Hill which they rather liked, then played a few games of Dominion. Was all good fun, although I wish we'd managed more nights like that as soon there will be fewer chances. (People aren't allowed to leave York! It's a black hole for graduates...)

Saturday, we went into town as the Terror wanted to spend some of his saved up pocket money on a Bakugan Trap. Argos didn't have any in new catalogue, so he got a Super Assault Bakutremor Something-or-other. More cards we don't quite understand, and he doesn't have enough to play a game with us but he's less interested in the actual rules than in the Bakugan ball/figure/whatevers themselves. His money.

We then took the long way home, via Rowntrees Park and ended up dragging ourselves home and sending my SO out to get a very late lunch from the bakers. Afternoon was mostly spent watching Spiderman. Then C&D came over for tea (sausages, chips & peas) and 40K again. This time I got roped into playing, using my SO's tyranids. For my first ever game I think I did ok - I mostly know the rules, mostly, and the carnifexes and hive tyrant are at least difficult to kill. Things I'm bad at include judging distance and line of sight, deciding where to place things and what to attack, and remembering not to charge into cover. So yeah, maybe I'd do it again. C won, of course, being far better than the rest of us, although D came close to a draw but was just a little too far away. My SO's dark eldar got hammered early on, but they still managed to inflict some casualties. Wine, biscuits, and another couple of games of Dominion (C won again then went home to let someone else have a chance of winning something) rounded out the evening.

Sunday started ok, then I got down and anxious for no known reason and ended up going back to bed and falling asleep. My SO brought me breakfast in bed, which was nice. Then shopping and after lunch the Terror went round to friend's house and we went for walk into town to get birthday cards and to check out perfumes at Lush. Watched end of Stardust over tea, which finished just in time for the Terror's bedtime. I forgot all about new series of Top Gear, being too excited about new series Being Human, and BBC3 being actually watchable which it was thankfully. So I settled down with cake and whisky and watched episode one, which was wonderful despite a few weak moments (the vampires organising "dog" fights is a bit meh, and the Mitchell going to get Annie back was anticlimactic). George and Nina were great, the annoying character got staked, and the new house looks like it'll be a great setting with just the right level of quirkiness. Looking forward to more.

Geekdom

The geek demigod that is Wil Wheaton has recently made an interesting post on his blog. Which got me thinking about my own self-identification as a geek.

I've always been different. No doubt about that. I may have been one of the popular kids in infant school but I soon grew out of that as I wanted to play games about mad scientists or superheroes and others just didn't. So I ended up with the ones who did - the ones who would play at Star Trek in the playground while other girls decided they were getting too old for make believe games. And yeah, sure, I stopped playing make believe for quite a while too, eventually. I got my kicks from books and TV instead.

I read SF and Terry Pratchett. I dabbled with Fighting Fantasy books and played with my brother's Advanced Heroquest more than he did. I wanted to be a physicist or an engineer or (finally) a mathematician when I got older. I soon decided I wasn't going to "grow up" - mathematicians never do, do they? And when I went to uni I was pretty convinced I was a geek and an outsider and so, being shy and stubborn, I didn't go out of my way to try and fit in. So I had a pretty lonely time really.

Until I might this guy. And he was a geek - a real one. A gamer who programmed and read real fantasy series and knew stuff - trivia and geeky stuff that I could never remember in a million years. (I think my brain just doesn't do well at retention of facts.) And so I got into Magic: the Gathering, and roleplaying, and pretty much discovered I loved it all.

And of course, now I was actually hanging out with geeks I discovered...how ungeeky I am. Or rather, how much a newbie I am. I've only been roleplaying five and a bit years now and haven't really played a lot of games in that time (the Terror gets in the way a bit). I don't code - I probably should learn something but I have great difficulty learning anything new as I don't have the patience and with programming something just doesn't seem to gel. I don't think the right way. (Must be because I'm a girl - ha!) And while I use Ubuntu I still have to look everything up whenever I need to do something. I don't really know how computers or operating systems or any of the programs actually work at all. There are tons and tons of films I just haven't seen - although Beloved and friends have been working on that. I've never played with numbers or shapes just to see how they fit together. I don't get the urge to take things apart to see how they work. And every area of geekiness I touch on, I just seem to fall short in some way. I'm a wannabe.

But you know what? I'm fine with that. So what if I'm the Eternal Newbie? At least I'm trying. I just feel guilty about calling myself a geek sometimes. But you guys don't mind, right?

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