On Depression (Again)

 I'm back on SilverCloud. 

After a few weeks (months?) of debating with myself whether I should reach out to GP again, I instead self-referred for talking therapies and after yet another telephone appointment where I went through my history, current state and reasons for the referral, I panicked at the thought of more targeted help and asked for the one that I've done before and can at least try and approach in my own time. 

I've had limited success (but not no success) with CBT before, so I'm trying my best to approach this as an opportunity to improve on previous effort, become more aware of my cycles of thought-feelings-behaviour, and just find somewhere, anywhere, to interrupt the spirals before I hit the bottom. 

It is, still, frustrating to read the exact same things again, to skim through the theory because I know how this is supposed to work, I know the model that is the basis for the therapy and I know the techniques that I'm going to be asked to use. As I said in my assessment appointment, I know what I need to be doing, I just can't seem to keep it up. And that becomes another stick to beat myself with, another "see? I'm useless". 

I am just about managing to stick with my morning exercises ("but I'm doing the easiest possible level"). The heat waves are interrupting my running schedule ("but I don't always do the full run anyway") and all my attempts at improving my diet keep failing ("I just don't have any willpower"). Finding the time/motivation to meditate or practice mindfulness is always a struggle ("it's like I don't want to get better"). 

I still go into work regularly ("but I don't do anything there") and I still see friends. I've got my regular social engagements, and say yes to as many others as people suggest. I'm planning on going away twice in August - including hopefully to see a football match even though I find both traveling and the idea of being in a crowd of strangers terrifying. I read every day, I do puzzles, I walk the dog, I listen to podcasts and music and watch YouTube videos, sometimes even ones that aren't by the Green brothers ("but none of that is helping"). I joined more Discord servers ("but I'm too shy to join in"). I do at least some housework ("but not enough"). I buy myself things I want and give money to charity ("isn't that supposed to make me happy?"). 

I keep making plans for the future ("but I might not be here") and keep getting out of bed every day ("but what's the point?") and keep trying all the things that are supposed to help because the alternative, not doing all that, feels too much like giving up. And while I am not sure I will ever be "better", I don't want to get "worse". 

I find it so hard to find hope, despite studying the masters, that hope feels forever out of reach for me. But in the absence of hope, there is at least sheer stubbornness, and I think that's what's driving me at the moment. 

Life update

Been a while, so thought I'd write a "still here" update.

Metaphor my counsellor came up with this week was being in a small boat on the ocean: bobbing along and not sinking but not really going anywhere other than maybe when the wind or some other force pushes me in a direction for bit, not really under my control and with no real destination in mind. And that's ok for a while but maybe not forever. I still can't think about a direction though, I just burst into tears whenever I do. Learning which guided meditations to avoid...

Changed meds to mirtazapine - still not convinced how much that's helping, although the extreme irritability and outbursts of RAGE have thankfully subsided a bit. Increasing the dosage to see how that goes. Still seeing counsellor. Still trying to work, keep on top of housework, exercise, see people etc. Some days that's all straightforward and then I don't know what to do with myself when I suddenly have time, and other days it takes all my mental energy to scrape through the bare minimum. Doesn't seem to matter so much when I don't get "everything" done though. Not sure whether that's a good thing or not. Just can't think about it too much - can't think about anything too much, it all just slips away from my attention. Good for avoiding rumination, less good for...executive function generally. 

Occasionally picking away at a short story I started many months ago and may even finish one day. But mostly putting creative effort into running D&D with two ongoing campaigns (one mostly weekly and one nearly monthly). Attempts to broaden my cooking repetoire have stalled and just finding things to put in my mouth every day is current goal. Something something "good enough". 

So there we are. Bobbing along, directionless but afloat.

Yes, it's been a while, no I'm not going to address that

 It's the hope that gets you.

Maybe this time it will be different. This new drug/dose combo will be sufficient for you to make and maintain the lifestyle changes, and you'll feel great. You'll actually keep up the new habits this time. Ok, the last diet didn't work, but this one will for sure. You're a new, better person now! You're not going to keep making the same mistakes!

After everything you've been through, surely you've learnt some perspective. You know this won't last forever, so it will be easier to handle. You managed last time you made a phone call, so another will be just fine. You're forty-one now, for gods' sake, you can handle a little disappointment. 

But it's not just about you. Oh no.

Maybe you read the signs wrong. Maybe they didn't notice you were flirting. Maybe there's still a chance. Surely that couldn't happen here. Surely now people will demand change. Surely someone will do something to stop it.

And then you find yourself at the bottom of a pit again. Just like before. Habits slip. Health deteriorates. Thoughts stuck in cycles oh so familiar from oh so many years before. It feels like the end of the world. You freeze up. Everything upset is a killer blow. Nothing ever happens. The world keeps getting worse and worse. 

And once you climb back out, you look down into the pit and think, "Well that can't happen again. What can I do to stop it?" 

And you do it.

And you hope.

Moving On

Maybe it's the cold I'm lumbered with or maybe it's the medicine I've taken for said cold, but I'm in a philosophical (and surprisingly laid back) mood. So excuse me while I ramble a bit.

It's been quite a week. Due to my usual practise of completely losing track of how many pills I have left, I ran out of sertraline last weekend. Cue much being tired, stressed, tearful etc. But I still failed to go pick up another prescription and I'm starting to think it isn't worth it as I'll be over the worst of the withdrawal by the time I get any. So once again I'll try going without. Maybe I'll manage for more than a few months this time.

Work was all going smoothly until Friday. It's always Fridays, isn't it? May have to change working practices again. And I have no confidence that I'll be able to provide the required information on Monday. But frankly, that's not my fault, and I once again find myself thinking "I'm just not paid enough to care". All I can do is work with the information given to me. If that's wrong or incomplete, well, tough.

Friends came and we chatted. Friends came and we gamed. There was even talk of roleplaying again. Would be kind of nice to get to play something. Might make me want to GM again. Any other attempts at creativity have been failing before getting to a keyboard. Even this bout of actually attempting to communicate is getting harder to continue. But I know if I stop I'll never get round to finishing. So I'm going to struggle to the end. And not stop to edit, for that way lies the delete button.

But some other things happened this week that may have also led to my not-entirely-cough-medicine-induced philosophical mood. Firstly my Facebook feed suddenly had a lot of posts from friends dealing with the sudden loss of one of their own - a young man I never met and had never even heard of until then. I still know nothing about him other than that he's gone and a lot of people are going to miss him. Then the very next day I discovered (again via the wonders of the internet) that some other friends of friends had lost their newborn son. Hard to express enough sympathy in those circumstances, especially without feeling like an intruder in complete strangers' grief. Tears and raging against the injustice of the world just didn't seem enough, so I just buried myself in my own life's petty problems and tried to forget it all.

As you can tell, I failed.

And today I've been too ill to do much, beyond sleep, veg out in front of DVDs and make the very vague and fuzzy decision that I need to change my attitude to life. I need to stop wallowing in the feeling that I'm missing out on something. I need to stop telling myself with every passing day that I'm wasting my life. I need to stop feeling as though I have an obligation to blog, or write, or run games, or entertain my friends with witty or interesting posts on Facebook/Twitter/Google+.I need to stop telling myself my son's life is boring and he's growing up without "a proper childhood" (whatever that means). I need to stop counting all the things I haven't done yet. I need to stop, basically, and be content with just being. Because yes, life is short,and yes, I don't know how long I've got left, and yes, each year seems to go by faster, but I doubt that when I do die, whether it's tomorrow or in fifty years time, my loved ones are going to think "she never did watch Twin Peaks".

That Was The Weekend That Was IX

Friday night (after QI of course) the SO and I ended up playing Tetris (or at least the latest Gnome clone) while listening to this. That's a good night in for us.

Saturday was unexpectedly spent in Nottingham. Not that we were inexplicably teleported there or anything, just that the SO had a plot meeting (for larp) she'd forgotten about and it was moved to Saturday morning. So we got up early and went to Nottingham for breakfast. As you do. Then the boy and I had to leave while plot happened. Thankfully, another plot team member's other half was on hand to escort us around the city centre. We window shopped and laughed at the Terror getting bored and discovering that picking on someone two feet taller than you isn't a good idea. Then we went home, while others went to a faction meeting and IC social. Now I'm craving larp, although I know I never get as involved as I wish I could. Damned social phobia. How did I end up so emotionally involved with a hobby I'm so ill-equipped to deal with? Bah.

Then in the evening I discovered Dropquest, and rapidly got annoyed with myself for not being able to do it. Today I finished it, mostly by looking up the answers or by my SO telling me what to do. Briefly considered getting back into ARGs, then thought better of it.

I also managed to apply for a job that I actually liked the sound of, and am trying not to get my hopes up too much. Another admin assistant job, but for a start-up based at the science park that didn't specify someone with experience. These days I'm just overjoyed to notice the absence of "must have experience of a similar role" in job descriptions. But still no guarantee I'll even get an interview, so, yeah, mustn't get hopes up.

This evening was once again spent watching Misfits - finished first season now. As I probably won't get round to writing a review, let me just say this: I'd sell a kidney to able to write something that good. Probably both kidneys in fact. Have also been drinking cider, and realising that I may have had too much. Not in a "rolling around drunk" kind of too much but just starting to feel a bit melancholy. Which is not the way to end a week, but hey.

That Was 2010 That Was

I very sensibly made no resolutions for this year other than to keep trying. Well, I mostly kept trying, or at least I like to think I did. Eventually. After a few slumps. I suppose, all things considered, that's all I can ask of myself.

So what happened this year? I actually passed my viva and graduated - I'm a doctor now. That never quite stops amazing me. I've failed to find any work though, or get any closer to deciding what sort of work I'd like to do if I had the choice. My SO changed her name legally and cleared some of the hurdles the NHS chooses to put in place of anyone wishing to transition. I started blogging about the games I run and play in, which meant I was posting (and writing) something at least semi-regularly. We lost Nana's dog Charley and gained an adorable ball of fluff, Benjy:

There were probably other important things I've forgotten, I'm pretty bad at this sort of thing, but that pretty much sums it up. I have plans for next year, some of which are Plans, but I need to think about them more and will post when I'm next at home. We're off to visit my parents and meet friends up in Durham for a few days before heading south in the new year to visit other family we haven't seen since, well, about a year ago. So I'll be offline for a week or so and will have plenty of time to think, read, and scribble notes the old-fashioned way with pen and paper. When I'm back, I'll have a better idea of what my Plans actually are and how much I want to share with you. Until then, I hope you have had and continue to have a good half-way-out-of-darkness celebration.

GM/Life Fatigue

So yeah.Another fortnight and no more gaming write-ups. Maybe I'll feel more up to running next week but I think I'm losing interest in my D&D campaign. It has been 12 levels and things are getting a bit samey. I can't seem to find ways to make fights new and interesting and with certain players' abysmal luck with dice turning things into a grind it's all been feeling a bit "meh". I suppose I should talk it over more with the other players, but wondering if taking a break and playing something different for a while might be good. Although I'm not sure if I could run another game right now. I still have a (mostly mental) list of ideas for campaigns and one-shots but I doubt I'd get very far prepping them.

See, it's not just D&D I've been getting bored with. It's just about everything. I have to force myself to pick up a book to read. Life's being a bit of a drag. Sure, some bits are good - I have a laugh with the Terror, or a nice night in with J, friends, playing games, drinking cider, watching Spaced, whatever. But it all fades away and I go to bed tired and don't quite fall asleep or wake up several times in the night and realise that the next day is going to be another whole load of housework and killing time.

Tempting to say it would be better if I got a job (or failing that, volunteer work) but I suspect I'd just end up dreading that as "yet another thing" to be tolerated. I just can't seem to shake this negative mindset. And yes, I know the reason I'm like this is "I'm depressed" but that doesn't make it much easier to live with. The meds help me get out of bed in the morning and mean I maybe only cry once or twice a week instead of once or twice a day, and I am so far managing to get a modicum of exercise/outsideyness a day but I still need "a project" to focus on. I think. But whenever I start one, I get bored within a few days and once I get bored I start hating to have to do things. And with housework and exercise and job hunting I can just ignore the hating it and think "but I have to", that's not so easy with stuff that's supposed to be enjoyable like gaming or reading or writing.

But hey, I cope. I'm mostly slacking off and watching TV/DVDs/iPlayer once housework is finished. Forcing myself to find things I might vaguely find interesting or funny and carrying on reading my way through our collection of Mage: the Ascension books. I'll live. At some point I'll have to stop slacking off and get a job or something but I'll worry about that when I get there.

That Was The Weekend That Was III

The last few days have mostly been lost to a low-lying fog of depression. Saturday was mostly good, with friend visiting for a few hours in morning and lunch out. SO had to go plot evil in Nottingham and, due to lateness of plotting, stayed overnight so it was just me and the boy for a bit. We coped, although I did get very bored once he was in bed. Realised I was still sucky at fighting in Oblivion and tried Black and White instead but got a bit bored. Despite the handholding, I felt I was still going much to slowly and didn't quite know what to do. Maybe I was just in wrong state of mind.

Sunday morning must have happened, and while waiting for SO to come back I started to read House of Suns. Reynolds fast became one of my favourite authors after reading Revelation Space a couple of years back, but it's been a while since I've read any of his stuff. Will try and do a proper review when I've finished it, so far it's being interesting with the usual Reynolds thing of far future civilizations, realistic physics and cunning tech.

Rest of Sunday I don't think went too well. I had a couple of naps and was mostly stressed. Some Carcassone in the evening helped lift both our moods, and today started off ok but it didn't take too long for apathy to kick in. Lack of suitable jobs to apply for meant less stress but more pessimism for future. Housework is hardly enthralling either, and again this afternoon I had a nap rather than do anything useful or even fun with my time. I managed to drag myself to school to pick up boy and started to wake up more on way home, but suddenly got a hit of agoraphobia and began to get jumpy whenever someone walked by. We were still on campus at this point, so my far-too-sensible six year old suggested we go see Daddy as he knows to tell Daddy when I'm "not feeling well". Hugs helped calm me down a bit, and we went home together. Got boy's school report which was mostly good (only problem is he talks too much and doesn't always pay attention - quelle surprise. So after going through it with him, we decided to "celebrate" by having a meal out, as it's been ages since we went to our usual pub meal. Probably didn't do my diet any good, though.

And then this evening I've been feeling pretty good. Silly moods. Watched University Challenge and then had to watch the Only Connect repeat on iPlayer as our digital TV reception is still only partial (after a few days of being non-existent). So, um, yeah. That's it.

That Was The Weekend That Was II

Yesterday was a good day. Bit hot maybe, but we had some friends from larp visiting York and we met them for lunch in the Old White Swan. They do fantastic sausages there, even if their "toad-in-the-hole" is really just "sausage and veg in a giant yorkshire pudding". Afterwards we bought ice-creams and wandered round the Museum Gardens and by the river for a bit before going to look at the Minster and then heading out round the walls. We set off home once we reached Walmgate as the boy was getting tired and bored, and anyway we needed to get home in time for Doctor Who.

Blimey. What can I say about Doctor Who? Well, I'm still slightly diappointed Amy's house didn't turn out to be a TARDIS or something similar, and the way the Doctor escapes seemed a little too easy, but then Moffat does love his predestination paradoxes and the whole thing was great fun. Fezes are definitely cool. And we knew that scene in Flesh and Stone was important, and it was great to see more of Amelia. Oh, and Rory is now my favourite companion of the new Who. Even if he's not plastic any more. And actually leaving some questions to be answered next year was definitely a smart move. Still unsure about River - I keep wanting to like her but sometimes she's just a bit too smug and the "being mysterious for the sake of it" is beginning to wear thin. Maybe once we get to see "earlier" River, when she doesn't know more than us/the Doctor, she'll be a little less annoying.

Last night was topped by C coming round and buying us booze from "the beer shop". Rather than subject him to more football, we played Munchkin (which I lost horribly, twice) and Zombie Fluxx (which I won less horribly, once). Good fun.

Today's been a bit more "bleh". Too hot, mostly, and then we watched the England-Germany game. Ahem. Well we didn't deserve any better, to be honest. We've done pretty rubbish this tournament, and our defense today was mostly absent. Boy didn't watch it, and was only briefly disappointed to discover we wouldn't be playing again. He's got Black & White to keep him busy.

There may be more gaming tonight, and I still have some booze left as we bought more for the match. May need it, too. Monday tomorrow, and I'm not exactly looking forward to trying to job search thing. I know nobody likes it, but it's just a bit more dispiriting when there really isn't anything to apply for except those damned "work from home" schemes. I may have to start applying for jobs I have no hope of getting just for the practice. And that does feel soul-destroying.

A sentence

I read a sentence today. A sentence I feel needs sharing with the world, along with my views on why this sentence is so wrong.

First, though, let me point out the context of this sentence. It was in the final paragraph of this book review - a review that for the most part was even handed, interesting and led me to be vaguely interested in the book. Unfortunately, it ended with what I can only presume is the reviewer's own pet cause which apparently isn't mentioned in the book, that of "population control". Alarms bells should already be ringing - rare is the person who thinks it is themselves, their family, and their friends who need "controlling" as they, of course, are responsible citizens whose impact on the environment is either sustainable or at least justified by the worth they bring to society. It's a slightly jarring shift, from sympathetic discussion of changes in human society (which is what the book is about) to a sudden polemic on a contentious issue which he feels the books should have addressed. Whether a book review is really the place to air one's political opinions is another moot point, but not one I have strong opinions on either way.

Also, I'd like to point out in fairness that I don't know whether the reviewer does indeed hold these opinions, or whether he was merely espousing a possible argument or pointing out the rational, but hardly ideal, conclusion. Indeed, it would be strange for someone to refer to something they support as "draconian". Maybe it's all a terrible editing error, but regardless I want to address this one particular sentence just in case someone is wondering what is so repellent about it.

So, to the sentence.

In order to stem population growth, governments should close international borders to migration and impose a draconian policy of family limitation like China's where it is needed.

I cannot argue against the aim of stemming population growth, although some would, as the impact of an aging population in developed countries begins to make itself known. However, history seems to suggest that better education (especially for women), less poverty, lower infant mortality and accessible birth control will all tend towards people choosing to have fewer children. This certainly has happened in Europe - a few years ago, Italy introduced financial incentives for women to have more than one child in an effort to boost its population as birth rates had fallen so low. As better education, for men and women, less poverty, lower infant mortality and greater freedom of choice in planning families all seem like laudable goals in and of themselves to me, a side-effect of reducing population to a more sustainable level is just a bonus. So my issues with this sentence are not necessarily with the stated goal, but the suggested means.

Firstly, "close international borders to migration". Aside from the fact this smacks of xenophobia more associated with the likes of the BNP than anthropologists, I fail to see how this would help. Common sense says that the movement of people around the world has little impact on global population (unless I missed an important part of sex education). In fact, all a lack of migration would achieve is to ensure that the overpopulated parts of the world stay overpopulated, and people in poor countries with no food, education or jobs are stuck there. Unless of course that's the idea - famine, war and other such things will "self-correct" the too big population.

Secondly, enforced family limitation, while certainly having the potential to be very effective, is a horrendous violation of human rights. I'm not sure I can present a rational argument against it, it's just so obviously a gross invasion of privacy to have the government decide something as basic as the size and shape of one's family. Problems with China's programme are many and varied, not least an increase in abandoned children (predominately girls). It's hard to imagine a scheme which would, in practice, be both effective and humane and even if one were to agree with the idea of government dictating how many children a family should have, a "draconian policy" is, pretty much by definition, not an agreeable one. More telling is the phrase "where it is needed" - in other words, only in countries with high birth rates, which just happen to be the poorer ones of course. It's true people do tend to be more in favour of "draconian" laws if they don't apply to them.

In conclusion then, this sentence is several shades of stupid. The kind of jaw-droppingly stupid that means I've spent a good part of the day thinking about how stupid it is and pointing it out to other people so they can see how stupid it is too. That it isn't the stupidest thing I've encountered today is a story for another time, however.

First Ramblings of the New Year

And they will be rambly.

Didn't sleep. Not much at all. So much for saying to the doctor that it seemed to be settling down. Decided to stick with meds after all, see if there's any improvement but if this carries on I'll go from being permanently apathetic and uninterested in doing anything to permanently tired and unable to do anything. Not sure which is worse.

This year it has mostly been snowing. This satellite picture from yesterday illustrates the point perfectly. Put off going up to visit my family until this Sunday but I doubt we'll be able to make it even then. Christmas presents are going to be even later then. The Terror was late back to school as while they were officially open for first day of term, no-one turned up. Or not enough staff to have a full school day anyway. Been a nervous wait for me each morning, sending them off on a bike in the snow. But I've been generally nervous and tense and just trying to get things done even though the apathy is still largely there.

Failed to run my game on Wednesday due to dearth of ideas. Fortunately my beloved stepped in we finally had another session of hir Primal only 4th ed game, which was fun. Sure was nice to relax and be able to play again. Not sure what's happening next week - might take a vote or see who comes up with ideas first. I had a couple the following day, my creative juices are not totally frozen, just a bit slushy. Brain death today though, but then as I mentioned above I didn't really sleep. Until nearly getting up time of course, so everyone was running late.

Not sure what else I've done that's worthy of comment. We made a snowman of course. You have to do that at least once. Read Unseen Academicals - good, not his best but still good. Played Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot for third and fourth time ever. I won the second time. It's a bit random and I can see why some people hate it for that, but I think it's fun. Maybe just because it involves killing bunnies. Meh, think that's it.

Christmas, and all that

Full of cold, but just about compos mentis enough to blog last few days.

We had a hurriedly arranged trip up to Durham on Christmas Eve to meet friends and exchange gifts. We prepared for the worst, and after a nice lunch and chat, set off home again early in case the roads iced over. Turned out to be a hassle free trip, and we probably could have popped in to see my parents after all, but never mind. We'll be off to see them in a couple of days or so.

Christmas Day itself got off to an early(ish) but relaxed start - the Terror was the most laid-back six year old ever and initially quite happy to just empty stocking and unwrap two presents before saving the rest for when we were at Nana's. As morning went on, he became more and more excited though, culminating in a tantrum once we got there as we didn't drop everything to open all the presents there and then. He calmed down enough to be allowed to open a few more, and while he was pleased enough with the presents from Santa which were mostly exactly what he asked for, it was the look on his face when he opened the Ben 10 Alien Force annual that really made the day for his daddy and me.

Lunch was fantastic, as always (Nana does really good roast dinners) and the boy even discovered he liked Brussels sprouts. Wine, food, more presents - yeah. All good fun. Then came the inevitable building of his Lego Power Miner Mine Mech and Clone Trooper Walker, while I mostly dozed under dual effect of wine and cold. My presents included Moon, Unseen Academicals and hydrophobic sand from my beloved, and the wonderous Grandville by Bryan Talbot, as well as too many other cool stuff to mention. And some chocolate, of course.

Then we all settled down to watch TV. Well, us adults did, the Terror kept playing with his Lego. The much-awaited animated adaption of The Gruffalo as as delightful as it ought to be - beautiful, sedate with flurries of action and simply impeccable voice casting. That was definitely a winner. The much-awaited Christmas special of Doctor Who was, by contrast.....odd. It lacked the bang of the usual specials, which may be no bad thing, but I felt it fell a bit short of the epic build-up it was presumably aiming for. This is not to say there weren't parts that had me squee-ing in delight - Wilf was magnificent as ever, John Simm sold the Master's insanity wonderfully and, well, Timothy Friggin' Dalton, people! The ending was certainly jaw-droppingly over-the-top if nothing else. But as a whole, it just seemed a bit...messy. The pacing felt wrong, the Doctor was too subdued and didn't really do anything, too many questions were asked with not many answers - which might all be attributed to being only the first of a two-parter, but it fills me with dread that next week's finale might also be too rushed and fail to satisfy. I suspect if this had been the penultimate episode of a series, I'd have been quite happy with it, but it actually felt overly long for the story that it did tell. A rewatch might also be in order. As is usual with new Who (and Russell T. Davies' specials in particular) opinion online seems to be heavily divided over whether it was any good or not. Usually, my opinion is "sure, flawed, but it was fun", and I think that was the problem - Wilf and Time Lords aside, it didn't feel fun. Of course that might have been the cold, and maybe if I rewatch it when I'm feeling better I might enjoy it more. Or maybe it just wasn't that good. Now I'm just rambling...

After heading home yesterday, and finally getting boy to bed, I gave parents a quick ring and then huddled down to watch Poirot. Beautiful, and wonderful acting again, but by heck, that was a convoluted plot. I never tire of watching David Suchet as Poirot though - he really is excellent - and John Hannah of course. Even though that, and the desert archaeology, did lead to me thinking of it as "Poirot in The Mummy".

This morning we all slept in, nearly nine o'clock before boy managed to wake me up. Lazed around all day, watching cartoons and reading Grandville - steampunk noir with anthropomorphic animals. "Awesome" doesn't quite do it justice. Plotwise it might be nothing exceptional (detective investigated murder and uncovers high-level conspiracy), but the War on Terror allegories add a nice topical layer that ties in beautifully to the Franco-Anglo antipathy in this alt-history where we lost the Napoleonic wars. Actually, does it count as alt-history if all the characters are animals? Bah - who cares! This book is just bursting with imagination and truly gorgeous visuals. And The Adventures of Tintin as the opium-dreams of washout druggie Snowy? I nearly wept with pleasure.

Built and played another of the Terror's haul from Nana: the Lego game Lava Dragon. The boy was a bit disappointed the dragon didn't really play a part, but it's a neat little game with the wonderful mechanic that you build the dice as you play. Main criticism is that it's a bit too short, and if someone gets ahead then they're likely to win. Both these could be dealt with by building a bigger mountain to play on though....the true joy of these Lego games is the easy customisation!

So that's been my festive season so far. Sorry for the rambly post, trying to work on getting better at reviewing stuff. Hoping to watch Hamlet, not sure if boy will keep quiet for it though. Maybe I'll post a rambling review of that too....

Gender, and other things

So time for my inevitable post about gender identity. Been a while brewing, but probably not any better for it. Was the topic of conversation of a sort the other night and today (well, yesterday technically) a friend gave me a "trans ally" badge (or "not a jerk" badge as someone put it).So now is as good as ever.

For those you don't know (and I doubt anyone actually reading this doesn't) my beloved partner/fiance/baby-father is bi-gender (the hyphen is useful, or people might think one if talking about Blefuscudians or something).  As sie puts it - somedays she's a girl, other days he's a boy. Gendered pronouns get a bit confusing as one would imagine - several people (myself included, unfortunately) tend to default to male pronouns (having been used to knowing him as male for so long), others default to female which she would probably prefer. And often we use gender neutral pronouns (specifically "sie" and "hir"), which I will use in this blog post at least.

And to be perfectly honest, the pronouns issue is the biggest problem for me. We always used to joke that sie was more of a girl than I was and that we got the gender roles the wrong way round in our house. The revelation (to both of us, as sie told me as soon as sie got hir own head sorted) a few years ago didn't really change the way I viewed hir or felt about hir. I think that in itself took me by surprise more - I had the feeling that I ought to be more bothered or at least have some opinion. But no, it was just a "ok then" and some effort to try and remember and adjust my language accordingly. When sie "came out" more recently, I was nervous for hir, but as more and more people were told and accepted it just as naturally as I had, and hir confidence and general happiness increased I was happier too and brimming with pride that sie'd overcome a major obstacle (more internal than external) and was becoming the person sie always should have been. Even the name change wasn't as much of a problem as I'd anticipated, and our son just accepted it in the way kids just do. He's less accepting of the idea that his daddy might be a girl occasionally, but then he also says boys can't have long hair, so what does he know? He's five - he's still learning about this gender thing.

But then, aren't we all? Gender isn't about stereotypes after all. While my beloved delights in nail varnish and can chat happily with workmates about clothes, I really don't grok the whole make-up thing at all. And, sure, clothes can be pretty, and so can jewellry, but ultimately I just want something to keep me warm/cover me up so I can go out in public. The only clothes I'm likely to get excited about are Last Exit To Nowhere t-shirts or the like. It was my fiance who started me wearing skirts and tighter fitting clothes, and admitting being a girl wasn't all bad. I think if not for hir I'd still be wearing geeky t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms. And for every "typical woman" behaviour I engage in, I bet I can find a "typical male" one as well. I don't really "forget" I'm a woman, I just joke I do, but I've never really considered it an important part of my identity, and hearing feminists talk makes me wonder if I'm missing something. Yet apparently I'm a cisgendered woman. I see no reason why I shouldn't be.

And I have no idea what it really is about. I'm hardly an expert and am not in the right frame of mind at the moment to even begin to guess. Because really gender is just another label, and labels are neither a good nor a bad thing inherently but exist mostly for societal convenience. Mostly, but not exclusively. Some people, like my SO, and to a lesser extent myself, feel the need to apply labels to things, including themselves, in order to better understand them. And of course one always want to be able to understand as much as possible, especially oneself. So labels like gender, sexuality, ethnicity etc are as much about a person defining themself as declaring "This is who I am" as they are about society or PTB categorizing people and declaring "This is who you are". Which is why a limited set of labels, defined by the relevant authority, is a bad thing. Which is why binary gender is a bad thing. And forcing people to choose one, when they'd much rather choose both, or neither, or something else entirely, is not only a bad thing from a personal liberty point of view, it also misses out on potentially important information about the sheer variety of people that can and do exist. (I hope that makes sense.)

I drifted off-topic slightly I think. It's late, I'm getting tired as the coffee wears off, and I doubt I really have anything useful left to say. My point was intended to be that I don't judge people by labels, most people I know don't either, and that a person doesn't really change just because the label changes. I call a person by the name they want to be known by as that is the polite  thing to do. Likewise, I refer to people by the pronoun set they choose, the title they choose, whatever, because that is simply the polite thing to do. I accept that people have the right to be who they want to be, regardless of whether I understand why they feel that way, and get rather angry at other people who think it's any of their business. I guess that's why I qualified for a "not a jerk" badge.

And just because I muttered a bit about labels - here's the list I think apply to me. I'm a cisgendered, heteroflexible, heterosocial, atheistic, liberal, social phobic, chronic depressive, female geek. Although once again I almost forgot the "female" part. Maybe I do forget I'm a woman occasionally.

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tl;dr - gender is confusing, people are who they are.

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