Just Another Blog Post

It's been a while. So, what have I been up to? Um...not much really. Apart from the usual moping around, not doing enough housework and whinging about it all on Twitter.

A Situation has cropped up which is currently making our social life both a bit more packed and slightly more awkward to arrange. It involves one close friend being pretty depressed and torn-up and another being bouncing-off-the-roof happy, so for us stuck in the middle its a very mixed feeling. Trying not to worry too much about the first one and mostly succeeding - seems I'm too selfish to fret about another person's feelings for too long. Got enough of my own to put up with. Stupid feelings.

Finally got round to reading Making Money. It's good. (This is why I don't try and write reviews....) Also read Locke & Key: Crown of Shadows #1 - I've pretty much given up buying comics monthly due to money issues, but Locke & Key, along with X-Factor is something I can't wait for. Wondering whether to keep going with my subscription to New Scientist as I often end up reading the articles online before I even get round to breaking it out of the wrapping. Would be greener and save me money, but I'm ridiculously old-fashioned and prefer reading hard copies. And I like my money going towards the publication/production of things I enjoy. I think I'd rather drop the Radio Times, but we actually use that. Sometimes.

What else? Oh, I'm addicted to Drench, probably because its the only game I've found in a long time that doesn't frustrate me (as I suspect sometimes it's just impossible, so it's not my fault if I fail). A friend linked to this site, so I spent too much time yesterday thinking about gender and sexual identity again, trying to figure out who/what/why I am. (Conclusion: I don't know! Does it matter?) On a not-really-related topic, I finally found and started reading GeekDad and wondered why it had taken me so long. I've all but given up on writing that blog post explaining my work - it just suddenly seems like too much effort for not enough gain, and I don't know how much I can explain without it getting boring or too complicated. PLUS I'm probably oversimplifying for those of you who might actually be interested in the maths. So, yeah. Maybe one day, but not anytime soon.

And on the subject of writing, Chuck Wendig (yes, him again) has a whole host of tips on writing (including the wonderful "How (Not) To Create Characters") which I make the mistake of reading, which makes me want to start writing again. By which I mean it again makes me want to start writing - I don't think I've ever really had a sustained period wherein I actually wrote. I've always been more of a wannabe than an actual writer: I like the idea of writing more than the actual doing. I realise I'm hardly unique in this matter. But I lack enough hobbies (it seems) so my mind keeps going back to it. However, these days I don't even get the ideas (or if I do I quickly forget or try and work them into my current game). The last couple of snippets of fiction I wrote (and posted here) weren't really stories, they were yet more of me trying to explain how I feel and wrapping it up in lies and fantasies to protect it against outside interference (the "it's only a story" defence). And I don't think I can really write about, well, me: my life, my current crush, my friends. Not without upsetting people anyway! And not without me spending even more time thinking about things I don't really want to think about. I want a distraction from all that, but it clutters up my thoughts so much I can't seem to break free.

I've spent too long writing this, too. I've been moaning about having a bit of a cold, but I seem to be better now than last night so really should stop lounging around and get on with that damned housework.

Anxious

(Warning - long and rambly)

I seem to be a bundle of nerves today and I don't really know why. I guess I'm worried about something.

It could be any number of things. The Terror's misbehaviour has been increasing lately and I'm at a loss as to what else I can do to calm him down and make him listen to us. Daddy is therefore more stressed, and has some work worries about possible relocation as well as the usual traumatic process that is research. We're both on new meds, and overdue a doctor appointment to check up on our progress. I suppose it could be the drugs that are making me nervous - they certainly seem to have killed my appetite and I'm not sleeping as well, but I was oversleeping to start with. I have money worries - one of which admittedly is having too much money and the fear that I'm spending it when I know I'll have to pay it back. We screwed up a declaration of income for the Tax Credit Office and who knows what the outcome of that will be. I haven't heard from the computer shop re my laptop which leads me to suspect I wrote my phone number down wrong (I suppose they already think I'm an idiot, going in shouldn't be too embarrassing). I didn't do any work last week and now I've got a load of marking to do I can't quite face (partly because I'm so jittery).

There's the always present feeling that I'm not doing a good enough job bringing the Terror up, and the fear I'll forget something important for school. There's the guilt about having a wonderful man who's madly in love with me and yet that doesn't stop me feeling that I'm in love with someone else who isn't the slightly bit interested (and I know it won't last, but can't seem to cope all the same). There's other guilt as well, about the selfish things I've done in the past because I couldn't deal with my emotions sensibly and people got hurt. And the guilt about not staying in touch with friends, or talking to my family as much as I should. My mum has cancer again and while I rationalize that the prognosis is good and she will cope fantastically as she always does, it's still a bit too scary for me to fully accept. Mum's very sick and there's nothing I can do except try and be there for her. Other people have problems too, that I wish I could help with somehow but never can. I'm not sure why I think I can sort out other people's lives when I can barely manage my own, but I can't stop myself interfering and trying to fix things, probably because I feel at least partially responsible.

I don't seem to enjoy doing stuff as much as I used to, and whether that's the depression or the drugs or just a phase I don't know, but it makes doing anything difficult as I can't even use a reward as motivation. And yet somehow I have to keep going, struggling on and getting by as best I can. Trying my best to make other people happy, which at least makes me feel a bit better, and at least there's one person I can make happy just by being around. Well, two, I suppose. The Terror's moods never last that long really.

I'm a bit calmer now. Guess it does help to write it all out.

Feeling sorry for myself

So far today I've spent most of the morning trying to write a post about love/lust/friendship/crushes and failing miserably, while also failing to write anything on my thesis and reading far too much of a new (to me) webcomic. This afternoon has mostly been spent cyberstalking friends on Facebook and their blogs. I still haven't finished the washing up. And I've got less than an hour before I have to go collect The Terror and no doubt then I'll fail to think of something for him to do so he'll end up playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii while I carry on being all moody. And I know what I should do - something - but I can't quite bring myself to because I get panicky when I think about trying my thesis again or doing yet more housework and I can't even settle down to read a book....

I think I'll just go curl up into a ball and cry.