Reflections and Resolutions

I often try and avoid making New Year Resolutions. They never last and often I end up feeling worse for not having stuck with them. Last year, I resolved simply to be a better mother, and a better pseudo-wife. Which of course is the worst sort of resolution - one without any clear definition, meaning you can always feel as though you should have done more and never quite have the satisfaction of reaching a goal.

I suspect many people (and certainly the two people whose opinions most count in these matters) would argue that I've always been a good mother and a good pseudo-wife and so I don't really need to get "better", but I always feel there is room for improvement. And I guess lately, at least, I've been doing pretty well at both of these, as well as the cutting down on snacking, and getting more exercise thing. So for 2009 I'm going to be brave and set out a more definite plan, with some hopefully very achievable goals:

1. Keep up the jogging. It's fallen by the wayside slightly over the school holidays, but I should get back into the habit of going out 2-3 mornings a week for half an hour or so. Both the exercise and the fresh air will do me good, and it should put me in the right frame of mind to settle down to work afterwards.


2. Keep up the Wii Fit. My goal of a BMI < 25 is within sight - Christmas festivites notwithstanding. If I manage to get daily muscle and yoga workouts I should do a better job of slimming down this waist, and maybe even fitting into those jeans again.


3. De-clutter the house. I really mean it this time. Ok, we're still putting off making a final Big Decision about whether to ever have another child, and a lot of the "junk" lying around isn't mine so I can't unilaterally decide to throw it out (or I suppose I can, but I'd feel bad doing so), but there is still a lot of things I do have say over and thanks to Christmas having been bought mostly online, I have lots of cardboard boxes for storage purposes. Bit by bit, I will do this, and hopefully this time it will stay tidier.


4. Finish my thesis. I have a deadline, after all.


5. Spend time with my son. Play with him, talk to him, encourage him to do his reading and help with household chores - anything and everything except make him feel like I don't want him to bother me. I've been trying, but I need to try harder. I don't want most of our conversations to be arguments and while he's going through a very stubborn patch and obviously still needs to learn to do as he is told, I need to give a little too and try and be less selfish about my time.


6. Spend time with my SO. Just the two of us. We have friends and family who are willing to babysit, we need to start asking them more instead of feeling guilty about it. Mummy and Daddy need alone time too. If we can get out for one evening a month or so, that'd be great.


7. Write. Not just my thesis obviously. Maybe short stories, maybe plot for game, emails to people I rarely speak to, even just this blog...I don't think I've ever actually mentioned any mathematics on here despite the description, so obviously that should change. If I can find something interesting to say and spend a short amount of time once or twice a week to write it down - book reviews, comments on news, a bit of maths or whatever bogus-philosophical puzzle that has been occupying my mind - anything. I just need to write. It's good practice, and I need to break out of my fear of doing things badly, which means I have to just go ahead and do things. And writing is a fairly safe one.

So that's it. If you follow this blog maybe you'll be able to keep track of how well I do (especially on the last one) and maybe poke me occasionally to remind me. And no doubt this time next year I'll come back and go, "huh, I did pretty rubbish at all that didn't I?" But I've got a whole year...

Here's to 2009. Hope it's a good one for all of you.

White Easter

But I failed to take pictures. Ah well.

Not a bad weekend really, despite the length. Terror played far too much Zelda. Daddy and I were both driven to distraction by his demands. But we survived. And had a snowball fight in Spring, which can't be bad.

Played Magic for the first time in ages last night. Daddy's been working on his decks for Elder Dragon Highlander and I had a go with the Sliver one which is mostly just sick, but struggled against the dragons (fueled by Scion of the Ur-Dragon) and Kaervek. But it was still fun.

Also wrote up a new vampire origin myth for World of Darkness, with the view to introducing a new playable splat - people with sunlight in their blood. Essentially anti-vampires, or Solar Exalted for WoD. Maybe I'll get round to typing it up and posting it here (or RPG.net).

So not too bad really. See, I can do this positive-thinking lark sometimes.

..and what have you done?

Sunday: Despite my best efforts to remian calm and not panic about packing to go away for a measly five days I broke down and Daddy had to do it all again. Good start. Drive was as dull as expected and the Terror behaved reasonably well. Of course he was up late all through the week with the excitement as much as anything else.

Monday: Christmas Eve and um, yeah. Got up late, had brunch at the Ferry Cafe and dozed most of afternoon I think. It was a very lazy week really. Went to Great Grannie's in the evening just to say merry Christmas and exchange presents with her and G'dad. She gave us stollen, so that was a highlight of the week (if not month!).

Christmas Day: Much happy present unwrapping. Santa and everyone else got beaten to Best Present by a friend of Nana's who'd found a fantastic ten-pin bowling game - it's got a snack mechanism to load the pins and little figure with spring-loaded bowling action and it rocks! Daddy was pleased to punch with his presents from me thankfully, and the wonderful man not only got me The Goonies and Hot Fuzz on DVD, but a roleplaying book on sale I'd been meaning to get for a while (The Book of Eldritch Might) and V for Vendetta! He is simply amazing and far too good for me.
Afternoon was spent playing with the Terror's toys and watching all the good stuff on TV. And M*A*S*H* while Eastenders was on. Doctor Who was pretty good as always, and kept the whole family quiet and entertained. So all in all, not a bad day.

Boxing Day: Apparently there was a morning. Daddy and the Terror had big long walk and much fun playing on the beach throwing stones into the sea. I got woken up at 1pm, just in time for lunch and then we went to the Panto (Aladdin). Wasn't sure how the little one would take it but he was very good and sat watching for lots of it. He talked about it quite a bit afterwards so it must have made an impression.

Thursday: We actually made it into town and bought a new game for the Wii (which we had taken down to show Nana but neglected to bring any games for - oops!) - Mario Party 8. S'ok, not that I had much chance to have a go. Another ok and very lazy day, with much cider and more Christmas pudding and brandy butter. So that was ok.

Friday: Somehow managed to pack and exhausting drive back for Daddy. Probably should have been helping settle the Terror instead of writing this but thought I'd get it down before I forgot even more.

I've been oversleeping and while the drugs are possibly slightly to blame it's also been sheer laziness on my part. Must try much harder. Down to the 20mg dosage now so not too suprised that the depressed feelings have been getting worse. Missing ACL already, which is just plain daft. Finally got myself out of bed this morning by repeating over and over to myself "Suffering is caused by our selfish desire for happiness". Maybe if I can get that mantra going every time I think of him or anything else that distracts me from my duty that might help. It gives me something to focus on that doesn't have a soppy fairy tale happy ending anyway.

At some point this weekend we need to visit Durham to see the over half of the family and friends. Just seems to be non-stop at this time of year.

Wii Three

On Thursday on our usual trip into town (Thursday being comics day of course!) we wandered into the Store Formerly Known As Virgin and asked if they had any Wiis. We picked Daddy off the floor when they said yes and quickly bought one along with three games (Tomb Raider, Mama Coooking and Big Brain Academy). The last few days have necessarily included much Wii Sports Bowling for the Terror although he seems to be losing his knack (or just getting bored more easily) while I'm getting better and better. No doubt Daddy will hit his stride and start beating me and I'll give up on computer games again. But until then...

I've been very teary the last few days, although whether this is due to being on only 40mg of citalopram or it being that time of the month is impossible to tell. Yesterday was the annual "mulled wine and mince pies" in the office and I quickly became depressed at my inability to join in the chitchat and ended up sitting in a corner wiping tears away, worrying a couple of people no doubt. Today's been a drag as well and I barely feel like doing anything, least of all anything that needs to be done like play with the Terror. Although I have just done the washing up. Mostly.

Tomorrow evening is a leaving do for one of the professors who is disappearing back to Durham in the New Year. Hopefully that'll be fun, and I can avoid becoming too maudlin.

Colds, Wiis and Happiness

Been ill last couple of weeks. Depressed, natch, but trying to struggle on by. Today took an unexpected upturn, then followed by a party with wine and Christmas pudding means I'm pretty much happy right now. And slightly tipsy too.

Last weekend, the Terror showed prodigious skill at Wii Sports Bowling while round with Daddy at a friend's house. Naturally this means we need to get one. Here's hoping we can find one - before Christmas? Seems a bit optimistic. As our faithful PS2 has given up the ghost, we have room for another games console I suppose, but first and foremost we had to get a new DVD player. Suprisingly cheap these days, although we missed the special offer at Argos to get one for £10.

And at the party this evening, friend brought Wii around and of course Myrddin demanded much Bowling. I had a go and did stupid well - partly beginner's luck and partly because it's so much easier than real bowling! You don't have to walk and bend your knees to get down and you don't need to swing it round your hip thereby putting too much spin on it - it's great! But Myrddin and another guest mostly stole the show. Daddy did ok too, and won one game. I'm sold - we're getting one.

And yes, I am feeling rather happy today. Not just the wine, more a general relaxation and acceptance of the way things are. Hopefully I can keep this up.