[censored]

This week we've been mostly busy with stuff I can't talk about. NDAs are wonderful like that.

Otherwise....not too bad, depression wise, although the GP was a bit reluctant to over-rule the psychiatrist and give me more drugs so I'm weaning myself off 'em and seeing how I cope without. Visited the Terror's future school, which is terrific and any doubts we might have had about it not being our first choice have been dispelled. They have a wonderful staff-student ratio with a full-time TA for each class as well as a teacher and the children all looked happy and engaged. Their policy of water freely available in the classroom makes wonderful sense and contrasts delightfully with my (long ago now) experience at school where wanting a drink was a nuisance to be discouraged. Avoiding dehydration makes children work better - who'd have thunk?

We've been without internet access at home for a week or so now thanks to dismal mismanagement by TalkTalk who tried to "upgrade" us to a package which included free broadband provision despite being told we weren't interested. The pathetic response to emails sent to them doesn't do much to make us change our mind and I'm tempted to start looking for a new telephone provider.

So back to looking at things I can't mention and getting ready for our first playtest session tomorrow. Woot!

The Drugs Definitely Do Not Work

Ok, so I wasn't exactly convinced by citalopram to start with and the higher dose was making me lose sleep, but it's becoming excruciatingly apparent that the lower dose is intolerable. Two to three fits of crying a day, attention span less than that of a four-year-old child and periodic loss of interest in everything - sex, chocolate, even sex and chocolate included - all adds up to added stress and Not Much Fun ™ for everyone.

On the plus side - spent a lot of money on comics/graphic novels at Travelling Man last Saturday and also picked up the second Nextwave trade this week so have been in comic heaven. When I've been able to concentrate enough to read. (Yes folks, I have difficulty concentrating on comics books. Work is out of the question.)

I also spent too much time this week agonising over that playtest application and avoiding real work by installing Gutsy Gibbon on my laptop. I even spent some time playing with my son. And other times playing with his dad. So it hasn't been a bad week, it just feels like that at the moment because I'm just coming away from a "down" point. Another joy of depression - selective memory.

..and what have you done?

Sunday: Despite my best efforts to remian calm and not panic about packing to go away for a measly five days I broke down and Daddy had to do it all again. Good start. Drive was as dull as expected and the Terror behaved reasonably well. Of course he was up late all through the week with the excitement as much as anything else.

Monday: Christmas Eve and um, yeah. Got up late, had brunch at the Ferry Cafe and dozed most of afternoon I think. It was a very lazy week really. Went to Great Grannie's in the evening just to say merry Christmas and exchange presents with her and G'dad. She gave us stollen, so that was a highlight of the week (if not month!).

Christmas Day: Much happy present unwrapping. Santa and everyone else got beaten to Best Present by a friend of Nana's who'd found a fantastic ten-pin bowling game - it's got a snack mechanism to load the pins and little figure with spring-loaded bowling action and it rocks! Daddy was pleased to punch with his presents from me thankfully, and the wonderful man not only got me The Goonies and Hot Fuzz on DVD, but a roleplaying book on sale I'd been meaning to get for a while (The Book of Eldritch Might) and V for Vendetta! He is simply amazing and far too good for me.
Afternoon was spent playing with the Terror's toys and watching all the good stuff on TV. And M*A*S*H* while Eastenders was on. Doctor Who was pretty good as always, and kept the whole family quiet and entertained. So all in all, not a bad day.

Boxing Day: Apparently there was a morning. Daddy and the Terror had big long walk and much fun playing on the beach throwing stones into the sea. I got woken up at 1pm, just in time for lunch and then we went to the Panto (Aladdin). Wasn't sure how the little one would take it but he was very good and sat watching for lots of it. He talked about it quite a bit afterwards so it must have made an impression.

Thursday: We actually made it into town and bought a new game for the Wii (which we had taken down to show Nana but neglected to bring any games for - oops!) - Mario Party 8. S'ok, not that I had much chance to have a go. Another ok and very lazy day, with much cider and more Christmas pudding and brandy butter. So that was ok.

Friday: Somehow managed to pack and exhausting drive back for Daddy. Probably should have been helping settle the Terror instead of writing this but thought I'd get it down before I forgot even more.

I've been oversleeping and while the drugs are possibly slightly to blame it's also been sheer laziness on my part. Must try much harder. Down to the 20mg dosage now so not too suprised that the depressed feelings have been getting worse. Missing ACL already, which is just plain daft. Finally got myself out of bed this morning by repeating over and over to myself "Suffering is caused by our selfish desire for happiness". Maybe if I can get that mantra going every time I think of him or anything else that distracts me from my duty that might help. It gives me something to focus on that doesn't have a soppy fairy tale happy ending anyway.

At some point this weekend we need to visit Durham to see the over half of the family and friends. Just seems to be non-stop at this time of year.

Wii Three

On Thursday on our usual trip into town (Thursday being comics day of course!) we wandered into the Store Formerly Known As Virgin and asked if they had any Wiis. We picked Daddy off the floor when they said yes and quickly bought one along with three games (Tomb Raider, Mama Coooking and Big Brain Academy). The last few days have necessarily included much Wii Sports Bowling for the Terror although he seems to be losing his knack (or just getting bored more easily) while I'm getting better and better. No doubt Daddy will hit his stride and start beating me and I'll give up on computer games again. But until then...

I've been very teary the last few days, although whether this is due to being on only 40mg of citalopram or it being that time of the month is impossible to tell. Yesterday was the annual "mulled wine and mince pies" in the office and I quickly became depressed at my inability to join in the chitchat and ended up sitting in a corner wiping tears away, worrying a couple of people no doubt. Today's been a drag as well and I barely feel like doing anything, least of all anything that needs to be done like play with the Terror. Although I have just done the washing up. Mostly.

Tomorrow evening is a leaving do for one of the professors who is disappearing back to Durham in the New Year. Hopefully that'll be fun, and I can avoid becoming too maudlin.

Midweek update - seen the shrink

Last few days have teetered between being ridiculously happy and terrified and depressed. So on to today and my first meeting with the psychiatrist.

It was....difficult. Of course. I could hardly answer her questions and she has a quite a direct and almost confrontational manner. I suspect that would have changed if I hadn't responded to it by trying to defend myself. But I can understand how she got a little irritated when all I can answer is "Sometimes", "I don't know" and "I can't remember". At one point I foolishly lied to cover up a possible mistake on my part (although it turned out it wasn't my fault I hadn't been informed) and claimed to have reduced my medication when I couldn't remember being told to. Eventually I confessed because my claims of not remembering seeing my GP or what he said weren't exactly standing up to scrutiny mainly because I haven't seen him in months. So I'm starting to reduce my dosage from tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember!

Eventually we established that there are things I enjoy and I can talk fluently sometimes and I tried to explain that it was when I was trying to think what to say in advance that I tended up clam up because I try and think of the best thing to say instead of just talking. When I disengage brain and engage my mouth, I can talk fluently, otherwise it's a real struggle. It's a similar thing with writing as well, although it can be difficult to communicate a specific idea.

So should be seeing her again in four weeks or so. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared and more able to stop myself giving trite answers.

Pub!

Another week of not much. Slight panic mid-week when it transpired I really needed something of a timetable attached to my thesis plan for the upgrade paperwork, but once I'd cried a bit over that (and eaten a cookie) I managed to dredge up my supervisor's comments about how things should progress. So I should have a rought draft in July. Ha!

I attempted coffee time twice this week. Mostly didn't cry afterwards. A Certain Lecturer (ACL) was there and I didn't hassle him and I think I'm just about getting the hang of pretending I can carry on living without him, which is good as it's only a few weeks until he leaves. Also managed the pub this evening - was very pleasant and even stayed for a soft drink after ACL had left. See, I can manage this socialising malarky.

Terror has been...terrible this week. Still in a very whingy mood and fighting me every step of the way. Time out twice this morning, both times for running around and climbing on sofa/me when I told him not to (and for grabbing his sweets and refusing to hand them over at lunchtime). He's also had his moments of cuteness - like waking me up this morning by shoving his cd player in my face and telling me it wasn't working (he hadn't put the cd in properly so it wasn't registering a disc). He then quite happily `danced' along to the music - Dan Zanes and Friends' Catch That Train - while I was getting dressed. (Thanks to TomB for the present of that album - Daddy is a huge fan too!)

Also, Daddy saw doctor for his low moods and is also on citalopram. It's the antidepressant of choice at the moment it seems. Hopefully it'll help him more than it's helping me - although I do seem to be getting a little better. Maybe because I'm concentrating on just keeping on going. As tempting as running away from life is, I have a moral obligation to keep trying to cope. And currently, that seems to be enough to see me over each obstacle.

But I am going to miss ACL when he goes. Another reason I'm not looking forward to Christmas.

On why running out of medicine is a bad thing

This week has gone by in a blur.

Sunday was the Terror's party which involved me panicking and calming down and absolving myself of all responsibilty for being a good hostess and thus surviving the event. I even managed to help deal with party bags. Unfortunately, Hubby was on hyper-stress-alert and thus found the whole thing draining. We finally got him calmed down later, only to have the whole family descend again and he got dumped with organising dinner...after two failed calls to favourite eateries we settled on fish and chips takeaway. Which was good all round.

Monday everyone left and life almost settled down to normal. Slight problem in that I'd run out of happy pills by this point and couldn't pick up my prescription until the end of the Tuesday when it had finally been signed. So I was a bit....wobbly. Not as bad as I could have been. But extra stress for Hubby. And a major factor in not getting anything done this week.

Wednesday and Thursday both involved trips into town - for drugs and post office to collect late pressies (thanks C&J and TAB!) and then again for comics naturally. We also picked up Zombie Fluxx which should be fun for next Wednesday if my game falters again. Having had no preperation it didn't go too well and I ended up throwing plot stuff at the players in the hope they might think of something to do. Which they did, so I suppose it worked as a GM tactic.

And today also wizzed by, partly because Hubby set off larping - it's the Lions' Winter Parliament this weekend - and partly I suspect because I'm just getting used to full dosage of citalopram again. Admittedly the sherry may have something to do with the last two hours disappearing. I swear I haven't had that much....

Oh - and in disasterous news - Moniack have changed the shape of their mead bottles! Slightly thinner and taller - less good for necking and more importantly the wrong shape for the Moniack pouches Darkblade do! I propose a letter writing campaign....

And finally, because at least one person has asked for it, I've put my entry for Pulp Idol 2 online here. It's not that terrific - too much superfluous scene-setting, Over-Capitalisation-Of-Doom!™, the plot fizzles and the ending is slighty deus ex mathematica. But I finished it which is something of an achievement in itself I suppose.

Now, to bed!