Friday, February 27, 2009

Wait, what social anxiety?

I seem to be getting better at this going into shops thing. Sunday I rushed into town to get a last minute surprise present for Daddy - who turned 30 on Monday, shhh! Don't tell anyone - and after staring in desperation at the bottles of sherry in Oddbins admitted to the shopkeeper I didn't have a clue and he pointed out the only sweet sherry they had in. We also discussed the possibility of port, but unfortunately the only bottle of that they had in appeared to be leaking, so that ruled that out. Still, I bought the sherry (a sweet oloroso) and it was much appreciated.

Today, I finally caved and decided we should "waste our money on cough medicine", despite the doctor's advice. Daddy has been struggling with a cough for some weeks now, and it's worn him out utterly. His reluctance to take things easy to start with probably didn't help. Last weekend I did manage to persuade him to spend most of the days in bed and he's only been working part-time this week and crashing out in the afternoons. Having done a little research, I went to the local pharmacy and asked for cough medicine. Explained a bit, chatted and decided to get the strongest non-drowsy dry cough syrup. We'll have to wait and see whether it actually helps or not.

So it appears the trick is to be too tired or stressed to worry about saying the right thing. Whether this works as well on the telephone as in person, only time will tell. Although I still have to resort to being rude to cold callers: "Sorry, I'm not interested," hang up before they have time to start talking again. I feel a bit mean as they're only doing their job, but if they're paid on commission then they're just wasting their time on me. So maybe I'm doing them a favour....

In other news, I'm being tired and irritable all the time, although this might be due solely to having more to do while Daddy has not been well. Work is also not going well. Social life (such as it is) is full of tension and other tired and irritable people. The Terror is still pushing although that might be because he's tired and irritable too. Solution - spiking the water with laudanum.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Breakdown

I suppose I have been under a bit more stress than usual. Various factors including Daddy's illness, pressure of work, the Terror being off school this last week and in a particularly stubborn frame of mind for some time before that....yes, ok, I've been trying my best but I was bound to break at some point or other.

I just wish it hadn't been in front of friends.

At least this time I only cried. And lost my temper a little. But at least I didn't physically hurt anyone, not even myself. That's an improvement, right?

Hopefully that's released some pressure which means I can keep going for a while longer. I suppose in the long run, I'll just have to learn that I'm not in fact omnipotent and can't do everything and that what I do is enough, even if it's not everything I wish it could be.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Apologies

I keep finding myself saying "I'm sorry." I think it's starting to get on people's nerves.

But I am sorry - for not being strong enough to keep going when I'm feeling low; for burdening everyone with my mood swings; for lying and saying "I'm ok" when I really don't feel it; for losing my temper when you don't deserve it; for interfering after saying I wouldn't; for not being there for you when you need me; for not being able to look after you when you're ill; for not knowing what to do or say to make you feel better; for not having the courage to do what needs to be done; and, most of all, for not being the person you deserve.

And now that's out of the way, I suppose I better get on with doing things I've been putting off.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

$%&* and other such swear words

In my son's words, "We're very upset because some naughty people have stealed Daddy's brand new bike he got yesterday."

Looks like they climbed over the top of the wall after failing to break down the gate. Of course it wasn't chained to anything - there's nothing to chain it to - the other bikes have been fine there for ages under the tarpaulin. It might have been a random theft with very unlucky timing or....he was seen putting it in the yard and it was a targeted theft. Which means even if it had been chained up it probably still would have been nicked.

We've had tears, self-recrimination, frustration and annoyance at the world as a whole. I think I'm starting to get over it and plan how to take better care of the next bike. But then it wasn't my 30th birthday present.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Socialization Week

Or something, anyway. Crazy snowy weather meant the friend who was supposed to be coming to stay on Tuesday arrived late Wednesday instead - so the first real event of the week was a Tangency meet-up on Wednesday lunch time. We mostly sat in a pub and I had lunch with people I'd just met while Daddy went to pick up the Terror. I coped surprisingly well. Thursday was town again for comics (Scott Pilgrim 5!) and to show guest around York a little bit. And much chatting and some playing of Carcassonne. Friday was more random chat with guest, then meal out with Nana, then T&C round for wine and something - we settled on watching first series of Black Books which I don't think I'd actually seen any of and was fantastic. Probably drank too much wine though.

Today, Daddy was even more ill than he had been all week, but bravely stayed at a child's birthday party with me, as we watched a bunch of five-year-olds get more and more hyper and then watch them stuff themselves with food and cake. It was quite scary. So by afternoon we were both shattered and fell asleep while T was watching Wall-E with the Terror. J came round and took the Terror for a bit so we could go and get Daddy's birthday present early. He got a nice shiny new bike, as old one was old, heavy, and needs chain replacing before can be used again. Hopefully this means he can go back to taking Terror to school on their bikes (we have a tow-bar thing). Then it was the usual weekend stuff of trying to get housework done while entertaining the Terror and putting up with friends being huffy at each other or just plain obstinate, and trying not to interfere.

Tomorrow we have board games with people from Daddy's work. That should be fun. If the Terror, and other children, behave themselves.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Thesis Avoidance

I know I can do this. I know that my fears of not being able to do well enough are what is holding me back, and it is better to try and do something then to panic and do nothing. I know it doesn't have to be perfect first time, and even rough notes will do as a start. I know I just need to take deep breaths and calm down. I know if I just try and do a little bit, something will get done and I'll feel better. I know even small progress is some progress. I know people believe in me, that I have managed in the past when I though I couldn't.

I know all this.


So why am I still crying?

Sunday, February 1, 2009