Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Well, just about. Every day still seems to be a struggle but I've been crying less (not at all today) and actually got things done (ironing, game prep, nothing onerous). Read a load - mostly catching up on magazines I subscribe to (Radio Times, SFX Collection, New Scientist) but finished Iron Council (less depressing than Perdido Street Station, which isn't exactly hard) and The Unwritten (awesome literature-based-ish fantasy by Carey and Gross). Think that's about it.

So, yeah, trying to get ready for viva without panicking, still looking for jobs but not letting it get me down, all that. Doing bits and pieces as best I can and trying not to spend all day in bed or napping on sofa. That's harder than it should be.

My feelings are caught in a loop I know I need to break out of, but can't think how. Or rather I can, but that would be too hard and painful and would hurt other people too, so isn't really an option. I keep struggling on hoping time will do it's trick and heal everything. I think it's working. Hard to tell.

This was a mostly pointless blog post, brought to you by not wanting to go out in the cold and the desire to finally write something after several days of failing.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Days seem so empty. I try and fill them up. Can't relax sometimes though. Think I should be doing something "useful" but then fail to think what "useful" thing needs doing. Must be loads of housework that needs doing, but I seem to blind to it. Or it all just seems too much and I don't even know where to start. I can't bring myself to even pick up one thing and tidy it away. I surrender to the helplessness I feel surrounded by this chaos.

And then the insidious thoughts creep in.
"I must be stupid, I can't think what to do."
"I'm too lazy."
I recognise these for what they are though. Unhelpful, self-depreciating labeling - classical symptoms of a depressed mind. But then worst of all:
"I'm too weak to stop being depressed."
As if I could somehow cure myself if only I tried harder.

Well, who knows? Maybe that's true. But beating myself up about it won't do me any good. Bursting into tears and lying huddled on the bathroom floor for half an hour won't do me any good either, but if it happens, it happens. I just need to try and recover, pull myself together and move on. Need to stop being so hard on myself everytime I slip up. Need to stop stressing so much that I'll worry people if I let on how hard I've been finding it lately. Because, frankly, I'm fed up of pretending I'm ok. I'm not. I don't take medication because I'm ok - I take it because I'm ill and I hope it will help.

No, I don't know what you can do to help. I don't even know what I can do to help. I don't know what I should be doing, I don't know what I will do. I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I want someone to help me, to make it all better or to just give me some hope that one day everything will be better and we'll all live happily ever after. I don't expect anyone can actually do that. I'm just trying to keep on going.

Friday, January 8, 2010

First Ramblings of the New Year

And they will be rambly.

Didn't sleep. Not much at all. So much for saying to the doctor that it seemed to be settling down. Decided to stick with meds after all, see if there's any improvement but if this carries on I'll go from being permanently apathetic and uninterested in doing anything to permanently tired and unable to do anything. Not sure which is worse.

This year it has mostly been snowing. This satellite picture from yesterday illustrates the point perfectly. Put off going up to visit my family until this Sunday but I doubt we'll be able to make it even then. Christmas presents are going to be even later then. The Terror was late back to school as while they were officially open for first day of term, no-one turned up. Or not enough staff to have a full school day anyway. Been a nervous wait for me each morning, sending them off on a bike in the snow. But I've been generally nervous and tense and just trying to get things done even though the apathy is still largely there.

Failed to run my game on Wednesday due to dearth of ideas. Fortunately my beloved stepped in we finally had another session of hir Primal only 4th ed game, which was fun. Sure was nice to relax and be able to play again. Not sure what's happening next week - might take a vote or see who comes up with ideas first. I had a couple the following day, my creative juices are not totally frozen, just a bit slushy. Brain death today though, but then as I mentioned above I didn't really sleep. Until nearly getting up time of course, so everyone was running late.

Not sure what else I've done that's worthy of comment. We made a snowman of course. You have to do that at least once. Read Unseen Academicals - good, not his best but still good. Played Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot for third and fourth time ever. I won the second time. It's a bit random and I can see why some people hate it for that, but I think it's fun. Maybe just because it involves killing bunnies. Meh, think that's it.