Thursday, April 30, 2009

too tired/drunk for proper sentences

Daddy away - larp. s'good.

Lately been...funny mood. Up, down, stressed, apathetic. Some of it hormones, some of it the depression...maybe some of medicine, who knows? Some things getting easier though. Managed to talk to people on phone. Managed to write emails to people I know and people I didn't. Didn't punch wall or pounce on people I shouldn't. All improvements I guess.

Last night I got to play a bit of D&D 4th ed - SO running a Primal only game, me playing druid. Despite only three of us, we did quite well in the mindless fights he threw at us. Made a change from the stress of GMing and could be quite fun if it keeps on going.

Tonight was feeling...blah. Put Terror to bed. Missing Daddy, missing Other - person I shouldn't miss but I do. Stupid feelings. Friend(s) came round and slowly cheered me up - wine and Resident Evil (the film) were involved. I may have done the drunk rambling at them - hope i wasn't too boring.

This update was purely because it's been a while and I'm not quite asleep. Not sure why I bothered. I should go sleep now. Have to get Terror to school in morning and do work and survive four days without my Beloved. Hope s/he has good time though - deserves it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Certain Lack of Direction

Or motivation. Or something anyway.

I've mostly been ok. Had a good birthday last Saturday - pleasant day with family, my mother came down to visit and looked after the Terror while we went out with a whole group of friends. Pub afterwards - all very enjoyable. Sunday was also good, and yesterday not too bad despite the occasional tantrum. We went to the National Rail Museum, which enteratained all three of us to some degree or other.

And today again was ok. Terror was excited about going back to school, I coped ok with appointment at bank and doing stuff around town. I wish I hadn't agreed to upgrading my account as I doubt we'll use any of the benefits and the increased interest rate doesn't quite pay for itself. But at least it's prompted me to reorganise finances, and ringing up to cancel will be another exercise in talking on the phone.

Still, I do feel a loose end. Not quite motivated to do housework (I did none today for example). Scared of things I should be looking forward to. Not sure of my ability to run a game even, despite everyone seeming to think it'll be ok. And while I had a pleasant evening (wine and Sleepy Hollow) now friends have gone home and it looks like I'll be in bed before my beloved returns from hir work "do", I can't help feeling just a little melancholy again. There's just always this fear hanging over me. A fear of not doing the job I set myself well enough. A fear of letting people down. A fear of not finding a place in this world for myself. A combination of the alcohol and depression talking no doubt - but it always seems to be there in the back of my mind. I just forget it occasionally. That and the other thing - the love I wish I could just accept and forgive myself for, knowing it too will pass. But as forgiving and accepting as my better half is, I know it pains hir so. So I hate that part of myself too.

Blogging when tired and tipsy is never a good thing, and yet as people keep insisting they want to know what the matter is, maybe I should tell them. It is simply this. I know I'm ill and I just have to keep going on. I have a lot to be thankful and happy for. Things won't be as bad as I fear. But these quiet moments just creep up on me and my heart sinks. That's all.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Stupid feelings

So when the person I'm supposed to go to when I'm upset is away and busy, who do I turn to then? The person I want to talk to or the person who will actually want to talk to me? I'll settle for neither. I'll try and not be all attention-seeking and update my Facebook/Gmail status/Twitter with depressive, angsty statements (does that count as passive-aggressive behaviour? It's certainly a dumb thing to do.) I'll try and get some work done or failing that read or play games or something to try and distract myself from this stupid stupid mood I've gotten myself into.

I don't know whether I'm going to cry or not. I've been doing that a lot lately, but I'm still plucking up the courage to go make another doctor's appointment. Should just get it over and done with I suppose.

Tried a bit more of that MoodGYM I started trying a while back. I stopped for quite a while because I reached some exercises I was having difficulty doing. Not too suprisingly I failed to do any more today, mostly because the first involved asking other people how's they'd feel/react in a similar situation to something that upset me. So not only could I not think of a recent situation which triggered bad feelings in me, I don't have anyone else to ask right now. So then I wound up feeling even worse.

Apparently I'm still doing well at actually getting things done. Well, I will have been if I managed housework/writing today and don't let the Terror play computer games all afternoon like yesterday. So I should be proud of myself for that at least. But I'm not. I'm just all choked up with these feelings I can't control, thoughts that I know I shouldn't be thinking and the only way I know to make it all go away is to wait. And eventually I'll find someone else to obsess over, but there might be a brief respite in between. Maybe I'll get some different drugs and I'll be able to focus on work more, and won't feel like bursting into tears every half hour.  Maybe I'll eventually finish this damned thesis and maybe I'll even get a  job I can stand doing in the end and everything will turn out ok.

But right now, life sucks. And it shouldn't.
Blogged with the Flock Browser