Friday, December 28, 2007

..and what have you done?

Sunday: Despite my best efforts to remian calm and not panic about packing to go away for a measly five days I broke down and Daddy had to do it all again. Good start. Drive was as dull as expected and the Terror behaved reasonably well. Of course he was up late all through the week with the excitement as much as anything else.

Monday: Christmas Eve and um, yeah. Got up late, had brunch at the Ferry Cafe and dozed most of afternoon I think. It was a very lazy week really. Went to Great Grannie's in the evening just to say merry Christmas and exchange presents with her and G'dad. She gave us stollen, so that was a highlight of the week (if not month!).

Christmas Day: Much happy present unwrapping. Santa and everyone else got beaten to Best Present by a friend of Nana's who'd found a fantastic ten-pin bowling game - it's got a snack mechanism to load the pins and little figure with spring-loaded bowling action and it rocks! Daddy was pleased to punch with his presents from me thankfully, and the wonderful man not only got me The Goonies and Hot Fuzz on DVD, but a roleplaying book on sale I'd been meaning to get for a while (The Book of Eldritch Might) and V for Vendetta! He is simply amazing and far too good for me.
Afternoon was spent playing with the Terror's toys and watching all the good stuff on TV. And M*A*S*H* while Eastenders was on. Doctor Who was pretty good as always, and kept the whole family quiet and entertained. So all in all, not a bad day.

Boxing Day: Apparently there was a morning. Daddy and the Terror had big long walk and much fun playing on the beach throwing stones into the sea. I got woken up at 1pm, just in time for lunch and then we went to the Panto (Aladdin). Wasn't sure how the little one would take it but he was very good and sat watching for lots of it. He talked about it quite a bit afterwards so it must have made an impression.

Thursday: We actually made it into town and bought a new game for the Wii (which we had taken down to show Nana but neglected to bring any games for - oops!) - Mario Party 8. S'ok, not that I had much chance to have a go. Another ok and very lazy day, with much cider and more Christmas pudding and brandy butter. So that was ok.

Friday: Somehow managed to pack and exhausting drive back for Daddy. Probably should have been helping settle the Terror instead of writing this but thought I'd get it down before I forgot even more.

I've been oversleeping and while the drugs are possibly slightly to blame it's also been sheer laziness on my part. Must try much harder. Down to the 20mg dosage now so not too suprised that the depressed feelings have been getting worse. Missing ACL already, which is just plain daft. Finally got myself out of bed this morning by repeating over and over to myself "Suffering is caused by our selfish desire for happiness". Maybe if I can get that mantra going every time I think of him or anything else that distracts me from my duty that might help. It gives me something to focus on that doesn't have a soppy fairy tale happy ending anyway.

At some point this weekend we need to visit Durham to see the over half of the family and friends. Just seems to be non-stop at this time of year.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

And so it is Christmas...

..or very nearly at least. Another tearful week, the blame for which is now squarely on the lower dose's shoulders. Half week for the Terror's nursery so the last two and a half days have been very tiring - too cold to go out for very long as well.

Read some good stuff - Order of the Stick's prequel On the Origin of PCs was especially good. Otherwise, much playing on the Wii - Daddy is now the undisputed champ of Wii Sports Bowling and I'm back to my usual tricks of sucking at all computer games. Ah well.

It was also the last week of chances to see ACL and I think I did ok at saying goodbye to him. Night out in the pub last night was great fun and so I'm in my usual post-drinking Zen-like state today. Things will be ok, in the end. I've just got to not care so much. I'll miss him, I'm sure. But life trudges on.

Tomorrow we head South for Christmas with Nana, during which time I'll be mostly offline so have to try and get my internet fix today. If I've forgotten to do or buy something it's probably too late now. Still have to wrap most of the presents and get some packing done today to avoid the panic tomorrow morning, but Daddy is so much better at coping with these things than me that I'll probably leave it all up to him! Again, I just need to let go and not care so much. It's not like it really matters.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Wii Three

On Thursday on our usual trip into town (Thursday being comics day of course!) we wandered into the Store Formerly Known As Virgin and asked if they had any Wiis. We picked Daddy off the floor when they said yes and quickly bought one along with three games (Tomb Raider, Mama Coooking and Big Brain Academy). The last few days have necessarily included much Wii Sports Bowling for the Terror although he seems to be losing his knack (or just getting bored more easily) while I'm getting better and better. No doubt Daddy will hit his stride and start beating me and I'll give up on computer games again. But until then...

I've been very teary the last few days, although whether this is due to being on only 40mg of citalopram or it being that time of the month is impossible to tell. Yesterday was the annual "mulled wine and mince pies" in the office and I quickly became depressed at my inability to join in the chitchat and ended up sitting in a corner wiping tears away, worrying a couple of people no doubt. Today's been a drag as well and I barely feel like doing anything, least of all anything that needs to be done like play with the Terror. Although I have just done the washing up. Mostly.

Tomorrow evening is a leaving do for one of the professors who is disappearing back to Durham in the New Year. Hopefully that'll be fun, and I can avoid becoming too maudlin.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Midweek update - seen the shrink

Last few days have teetered between being ridiculously happy and terrified and depressed. So on to today and my first meeting with the psychiatrist.

It was....difficult. Of course. I could hardly answer her questions and she has a quite a direct and almost confrontational manner. I suspect that would have changed if I hadn't responded to it by trying to defend myself. But I can understand how she got a little irritated when all I can answer is "Sometimes", "I don't know" and "I can't remember". At one point I foolishly lied to cover up a possible mistake on my part (although it turned out it wasn't my fault I hadn't been informed) and claimed to have reduced my medication when I couldn't remember being told to. Eventually I confessed because my claims of not remembering seeing my GP or what he said weren't exactly standing up to scrutiny mainly because I haven't seen him in months. So I'm starting to reduce my dosage from tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember!

Eventually we established that there are things I enjoy and I can talk fluently sometimes and I tried to explain that it was when I was trying to think what to say in advance that I tended up clam up because I try and think of the best thing to say instead of just talking. When I disengage brain and engage my mouth, I can talk fluently, otherwise it's a real struggle. It's a similar thing with writing as well, although it can be difficult to communicate a specific idea.

So should be seeing her again in four weeks or so. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared and more able to stop myself giving trite answers.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Colds, Wiis and Happiness

Been ill last couple of weeks. Depressed, natch, but trying to struggle on by. Today took an unexpected upturn, then followed by a party with wine and Christmas pudding means I'm pretty much happy right now. And slightly tipsy too.

Last weekend, the Terror showed prodigious skill at Wii Sports Bowling while round with Daddy at a friend's house. Naturally this means we need to get one. Here's hoping we can find one - before Christmas? Seems a bit optimistic. As our faithful PS2 has given up the ghost, we have room for another games console I suppose, but first and foremost we had to get a new DVD player. Suprisingly cheap these days, although we missed the special offer at Argos to get one for £10.

And at the party this evening, friend brought Wii around and of course Myrddin demanded much Bowling. I had a go and did stupid well - partly beginner's luck and partly because it's so much easier than real bowling! You don't have to walk and bend your knees to get down and you don't need to swing it round your hip thereby putting too much spin on it - it's great! But Myrddin and another guest mostly stole the show. Daddy did ok too, and won one game. I'm sold - we're getting one.

And yes, I am feeling rather happy today. Not just the wine, more a general relaxation and acceptance of the way things are. Hopefully I can keep this up.