Monday, March 23, 2009

I Don't Like Mondays

I mean, I start off with the best of intentions, but I'm not really a morning person so I get up tired and grumpy and help get the Terror off to school. Then plod into work after remembering to put the rubbish out and sit down and waste time on the internet first. And then it's not even coffee time, so I have to start work.

If I even have a clue where to start, where I left it last week, or what I intended to do this week. Which most of the time I don't. So I have to start from scratch again.

And I have a great deal of inertia to get over before I can even start. Especially these days when positive thoughts slip out of my mind as easily as water out of a sieve. And apathy fills me up until I can barely move from the weight. My usual problem was acute anxiety attacks whenever I tried to force myself to work. I'd panic, start crying, mind a blank and unable to do anything other than fret that I should be doing work and yet I'm not. But not today. Today is just dull, and my efforts to force a work ethic into my natural lazy self are being met with a stubborn "meh". Tears welling up, but I don't want to cry so much as curl up and go to sleep. Vaguely aware I'm probably making it worse for myself just because I expect it to be hard, but I don't think I have the strength of character to just push through it and work anyway.

I suppose best I can do is try and distract myself with make-work, then maybe I'll get into the swing of things and accidentally end up doing something productive. That would be the sensible thing to do. Whether I do that or not, I have no idea. I don't know if I'm even in control of me anymore. I don't know who "me" is, j don't think I'm capable of being the person I want to be. Not without several years more practice.

Ok, rambling now. Should work. Hoped this would make me feel better, but don't think it did. Bah.
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Saturday, March 21, 2009

In Which I Try This Blogging Thing Again

Although apparently it's been less than a week since my last post - it just feels longer I guess.

I keep meaning to write long ramble-y posts about things that have been on my mind but never quite get round to it. I've got one somewhere in here about gender and social expectations sort of thing, but I think I'll let that one ferment a bit longer. I also keep meaning to start explaining my work - get some maths in here! - but again I'm not quite ready. I probably ought to talk more about depression, social anxiety, love, parenting...all sorts of things I might actually have legitimate views  on, but I still can't quite get over the fear that people will take things the wrong way because I won't express myself adequately. (Or more worryingly, that people will take things exactly how I mean them, but won't like it.)

So I'll blather about what I've been up to instead. Which is not a lot really. This week has mostly been more of the same with regards to failing to get much work done, and falling back on Lego games on the Wii as ways of entertaining the Terror. On Tuesday, however, I did go and talk to a geneticist in Leeds see this for why. She was a nice woman with a great way of explaining about cancer - it's all about camels you see. Imaginary ones. We all have a camel, and our lifestyle, diet etc contain things that put straws on our camel's back and for a lot of us (one in three or so) that eventually gets too much and the camel can't take anymore (which is why we get cancer). Most people's camels have an empty back when they're born, but some people's camels already have some straw, which is why it takes less extra straw for them to get cancer. Ok, she explained it better. After she went through a lot of things I already knew, and some I didn't, and some I did but hadn't really thought about, she left me to get back in touch if I decide to go ahead with the testing (or if I want counselling etc first). I think I'm leaning towards getting tested, although maybe not just yet, as I can't have screening until I'm 30 anyway.

Friday was a bit of a stressful day too as we had electricians in, but our wonderful landlord house sat so I could go to work. And more importantly, so I could gatecrash YCCSA's doughnut club. And then the Terror had to be rushed home from school and out again to a friend's birthday party at York City FC. We neglected to look up directions beforehand and, knowing roughly where it was, optimistically presumed there would be at least a signpost or something when we got closer. Ha. Still, we weren't the last to arrive, and mostly the kids had a great time (the sole girl sat out quite a bit of games, and there were one or two tears at falls or bumped heads).

Today, a friend had planned to make up for an unacceptable state of affairs - namely, me never having seen The Empire Strikes Back. We decided to take this opportunity to introduced the Terror to Star Wars as well, although he did get bored during the slower bits of A New Hope and abandoned us for an hour or so. He sat through most of the second film though and wants to see more soon. I suppose eventually we'll have to let him watch the prequels too....

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Who Watches?

I'd write a review but I doubt I could do it justice. My main regret is that it took over a week to get  a babysitter so we could go see it, and that we're unlikely to be able to see it again at the cinema. To sum up: when the only criticism you have of a film is that it doesn't have Rorschach jumping out of a fridge - that's a pretty damn good film.
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

[Short short story] It follows me everywhere

I was nervous at first. Well who wouldn't be? Something that big wandering around on its own....But it just followed me and didn't seem threatening so I started to relax. It followed me all the way home. It stayed outside the first few nights then managed to sneak in somehow. Don't ask me how. I was sure my landlord would object, but no amount of cajoling would get it to leave again so I gave up. It sleeps at the foot of my bed.

Well I say sleeps...

No, I never fed it. Actually, it doesn't seem to need to eat. Strange creature really. Kind of beautiful with those deep eyes and glossy black fur....and so large it should dominate the room but so quiet most of the time no-one seems to notice it. Which is kind of why I was surprised you asked. See, this may sound crazy, but I thought I was the only one who could see it....

I know! But all my friends and family - they haven't said a word. My landlord didn't object after all and even work let it in without a fuss. I suppose it must be because it's so well behaved. Never makes a sound. Just follows me around, keeps me company. Only...I think it scares other people. I mean, my friends - I have friends. Honest. They just don't seem to come round any more. And no-one at work talks to me much (not that they ever did mind). So it keeps me company instead.

I wouldn't say like. I've just got used to it. What else can I do really? It follow me everywhere.
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Monday, March 9, 2009


Or maybe nothing. Not sure. Feel strange anyway. Not sad, not scared as such, just...insecure. Like I want to go and hide.
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