Thursday, January 24, 2008

Been ill last few days. Monday was ok - even got up on time and just about coped all day. Then cough/cold/flu struck and I've been down ever since. Daddy been good at looking after the Terror who has suffered a bit, but still has more energy than the two of us together (oh to be four again!).

Today was....stressful and involved much tears. This afternoon we had our followup appointment with the CPN which basically amounted to a whole lot of nothing. They gave a lot of good sound advice - try and set small manageable goals, plan how to use my time in advance, try expanding my horizons - but it's nothing I haven't heard and tried before. It appears they have no more help they can offer us - which led to me breaking down then and there and then recovering and deciding there was little more to be said. It seems it's just the two of us again. The fact that I/we were barely coping seems to have been totally overlooked. I've worked through some anger this afternoon and I feel Daddy will be practicing some letter writing, but we've resolved to just keep trying (and use their suggestions of course, it's not their fault it's failed in the past. Obviously I haven't been trying hard enough.) and I'll have a good whinge at my GP when I go to sort out the medication angle as they had nothing to say about that at all.

I'm trying not to take it out on the CPN and COT - they were just doing their job after all. The psychiatrist I have a fairly low opinion of after our interview anyway and if I ever do get referred again I'll be sure to avoid her. Thankfully our GPs are a bit more sympathetic. I'm also trying not to blame myself for not coming across "ill" enough - I was trying to be honest and I really would have thought the sheer difficulty I had talking to them would be an indicator of real problems but it appears they were more concerned about the Terror (which I can understand - but if I go nuts and kill myself, what'll happen to him then?).

Just....keep on trying. And hope things improve. I wasn't expecting a magic pill but I was hoping for a bit more help (for my beloved partner too - it's hell on him having to look after me when I'm at my worst). I'll know better next time.

"It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst."
"You see, that way, I'm never disappointed. You know, sometimes I'm nicely surprised."
-- Gil Grissom and Catherine Willows (To Halve and to Hold)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

"A pacifist with a big scary hammer general"

I think Ultimate Thor is my new second favourite superhero. Sorry Jamie.

It's a been another week of not much happening. Work failed to happen. At all. I'm a bit pissed off at myself for that one. Mornings also failed to happen on more than one occasion, like this morning. And now the Terror is off at a friend's birthday party I suppose I'd better get on and do the housework, make myself useful.

It had some highlights -we went out on Friday night which was nice. Read The Ultimates, which was awesome. I might actually have to give some other Millar stuff a chance, although I still think the man himself is a dickhead. (Which appears to be a consciously cultivated image, making it even more baffling and dickish. Whatever. Some people juggle geese, etc.) Hitch is now my favouritest and bestest artist ever, and the commentary in the back only made me love the man more. Played some Portal - by myself that is, not just taking over for the Terror to help him get past a bit. Died a few tiems do to my inability to jump and the bloody live fire room. Gave up on Testchamber 18.

Also last night we watched V for Vendetta which was really quite good and, I thought, a damned decent adaptation. Not that I'm a very critical viewer (or reader for that matter).

So to sum up, Ultimate Thor rocks and I'm still alive. Although I'm not doing Science....

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Drugs Definitely Do Not Work

Ok, so I wasn't exactly convinced by citalopram to start with and the higher dose was making me lose sleep, but it's becoming excruciatingly apparent that the lower dose is intolerable. Two to three fits of crying a day, attention span less than that of a four-year-old child and periodic loss of interest in everything - sex, chocolate, even sex and chocolate included - all adds up to added stress and Not Much Fun ™ for everyone.

On the plus side - spent a lot of money on comics/graphic novels at Travelling Man last Saturday and also picked up the second Nextwave trade this week so have been in comic heaven. When I've been able to concentrate enough to read. (Yes folks, I have difficulty concentrating on comics books. Work is out of the question.)

I also spent too much time this week agonising over that playtest application and avoiding real work by installing Gutsy Gibbon on my laptop. I even spent some time playing with my son. And other times playing with his dad. So it hasn't been a bad week, it just feels like that at the moment because I'm just coming away from a "down" point. Another joy of depression - selective memory.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Is it Friday already?

It's been both a long and a short week. Weird. Saw family on Sunday and the Terror got the last of his Christmas presents - including a pirate ship and castle playset from my parents that is now dominating his bedroom and is the current favourite must-play game.

Saw in the New Year quietly with just the two of us and Jools Holland. Managed to stay up to half past twelve anyway.

Mood picked up around Wednesday after some very teary cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat days. Still getting very bored very quickly. The internet appears to be broken - it doesn't entertain me anymore. But then nothing else does so I end up playing Wii Sports or reading. Or checking Facebook every two minutes.

Terror started back at nursery yesterday and Daddy started back at preparing for his lecture course this term. I started back at the calculation I left off before Christmas although I really need to get dug in to smoe PStricks so I can start TeXing up my results so far if I really want to have a chance at finishing this year. I can now think about finishing my thesis without panicking (probably because I haven't actually got to the hard bit - writing) but as soon as I start thinking about what to do after that....might have to go add some vodka to this fruit juice I'm drinking or I'll never get to sleep now.

Also started wondering about applying to playtest Cubicle 7's Doctor Who RPG. I think most of my current gaming group would be interested in a short stab at it. And just when I've started looking forward to wrapping up my mage campaign and playing for a while instead of GMing....