I have an idea in my head of what my life should be like. It's fuzzy, sure, and probably a bit unrealistic, and I know not every day will be perfect, but it's there, it's what I'm supposed to be working towards. And I keep falling back into the same ruts. I try and break free from the negative thinking but reality keeps hitting me in the face. I try and do something different and old instincts take over. I promise myself I'll stop wanting something I can't have and I end up hiding in the toilets crying time and time again. I'm sure every thing I'm writing here I've already expressed before in a blog post, probably more than once.
I don't know if I lay on the kitchen floor crying over a man, or over my lack of creativity; if it was caused by a blood sugar drop, fluctuating hormones or my own ingrained thought patterns. It largely doesn't matter. Nothing matters. It's hard to believe change is possible when you keep making the same mistakes. When you keep ending up at the same place. But I don't have to believe. I just have to keep repeating the mantra "This Too Shall Pass" and go sleep it off and hope tomorrow is easier.
