Friday, March 26, 2010

Sunny Afternoon

I got my daily dose of Wii Fit out of the way early on so I could have a bath afterward, and then was faced with the prospect of nothing-to-do. So I decided to be all pro-active and stuff and went out for a walk in the sunshine. I had a money off voucher for WHSmith's and so headed townwards to look at books. Inevitably, there was nothing I really wanted, so the voucher went in the bin, but it was a pleasant enough walk out anyway and helped lift my mood a bit. I did then decide to sign up for WHSmith Privilege Club, so I can get emailed more vouchers I won't use. Or worse, will use to buy things I wouldn't normally.

Walk home from school marred slightly by the Terror being more brattish than usual, but he soon apologised and we dropped in to see my SO and all walked home together. Having friends over to play the Battlestar Galactica boardgame this evening and probably going to have Chinese takeaway for tea. All in all, it's been a good day after a very "meh" week.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A big ball of "meh"

[Warning - the following should be taken with a pinch of salt as I'm depressed and missed my meds last night.]

Yesterday I had vague plans about writing here about my game, but then I kind of screwed up and lost all enthusiasm for it, and for writing. I don't really know what I'm doing here - I think this whinging on the internet is similar to when I hung around in the maths department crying: a pathetic attempt to get people to notice me and maybe help or at least pay attention to me. I should stop. Even if I somehow managed to come up with a blog people actually wanted to read and enjoyed I'm not sure that's any better. It's all ultimately about attention-seeking and I really should be concentrating on surviving.

Not that I know why that's so hard. It's not like my parents have died, or I get random abuse shouted at me whenever I step outside. But everything seems to require so much effort and I'm tired all the time and I don't know what to do about any of it but just keep on plodding on. I've pretty much given up hoping things will improve. Maybe they will or maybe they won't. I have to cope either way.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow and I have no clue what to say. Don't know if meds are helping or not. Don't really know what I want them to help with. People have suggested counselling and it may be worth a go, but I keep failing to enquire about it because I'm shy and don't know what to say, even via email. And if I go, well....I'm shy and I won't know what to say. I just feel like giving up. I failed to get the comics I wanted today because the shop hadn't put them out yet, or they hadn't come yet, or they'd sold out already - I don't know because I'm too shy to ask. The idea that I might be able to get a job is just laughable but I have to try because, well, I "have" to. I "have" to do housework, which I don't want to do, because it needs to be done. I have to go fetch my son and feed him and find him things to do, because I have at least some shred of responsibility in me and I'm not quite prepared to wallow in self-pity to the extent of letting him suffer. I'm not sure what else I can do, though. I don't really want to do anything. I have nothing to aim for, no clue of what I might enjoy. I have a new D&D book I don't feel like reading right now and even a Cadbury's Creme Egg I don't feel like eating. I don't want to have to be strong and supportive because other people need me, and I don't want to keep saying I'll be ok when I feel anything but, and I don't want to keep making excuses for my feelings because "I'm depressed" or "it's the meds" or whatever the reason is doesn't matter: it doesn't change how I feel right now.

Rambling, yes, crying, just about, coping? Fat chance. But I'll live. Or at least, I'll continue to exist. It doesn't feel like living, but maybe tomorrow it will.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Being a good person

I probably spend too much time thinking about this. (Actually, I probably spend too much time thinking full stop, but that's by the by.) I want to be a good person. I want to do the right things. I want to be a good mother, a good pseudo-wife, a good daughter and a good friend. I want to be nice and helpful and "have worth".

I would also like to be a good mathematician, a good writer, a good GM. I want to create something, give something to the world that even a few people may enjoy. I want to be liked and admired and respected; who wouldn't? But that's where the first hint of a problem lies. Too often, I am afraid to be wrong. I don't want people to think of "badly" of me, even for a short while. And there's another problem. What nebulous concept of "bad" and "good" am I using? How am I to define these things, even to myself? What does it mean to be "a good person"?

I have vague ideas of what I should do to be "good" as I'm sure everyone does, but I try not to hold myself to these impossible ideals. I keep telling myself that as long as I try my best, that is enough. No-one can ask for more. But therein lies my biggest problem: I'm lazy. I dislike hard work. Sometimes, the effort seems like too much and the end result not worth all the hassle. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. And maybe it's true. Or maybe, because I'm depressed, I find things harder and because other people seem to manage the same things without so many tears or outward signs of distress, I just assume I'm lazy. Either way, I still find myself thinking I should try harder. How do I know I've done "my best"? How can I know that if I didn't just try a bit harder that I would manage it? At what point does it become reasonable to admit that perhaps there is a wall in the way, and continuing to walk into it serves no purpose?

So I keep marching on. I plod on every day, teetering on the edge between giving up and making progress. Some days, it's about all I can manage to survive the day without collapsing into tears; other days I get lots done but barely recognise the achievement because it's my expected norm - everyone should be able to do that. Sometimes I can enjoy things I feel I ought to enjoy: reading, watching a film or television programme, playing games, spending time with friends or family, snuggles in bed with my SO. Sometimes it feels like all the pleasure has been sucked out of these activities. And I keep thinking to myself, "I should be doing more." But every time I attempt "more", the challenges seem too great, the risk of failure too high, and I fall, if not at the first hurdle, then still far too soon. And I'm running out of willpower. I know I have to keep going on, but I don't know which direction to try, or how to get past this damned wall.

I honestly don't know what I was trying to say here.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Everything seems to take much longer than it ought to. It took three or four times of thinking "I should get out of the bath now" before i actually managed to make myself move. Got dressed, after lying on bed for a bit. Ate breakfast and felt much better for a bit, but then decided it was work time and all the energy left me again.

I was actually looking forward to relearning some maths, but now I can't concentrate on it at all and can barely keep my head up. I don't feel sleepy, or tired, I just want to lie down with my eyes closed and not think about anything. Even typing this seems like too much effort to be worth it, and I keep stopping and starting.

A walk to the shop might do me good and count as "useful" - being outside and getting exercise are what I'm supposed to do. But the temptation to stuff my face with chocolate might be too much. I know I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. Eat and sleep and nothing else. But of course I have do other things. I have a family, a house; people I don't want worrying about me; corrections to finish, and they're so nearly finished, it's nearly all done and then I can pat myself on the back and call myself Doctor. I have stuff to read, stuff to do for my game. And I think part of me still does care about all these things, but I still can't quite bring myself to get on with something. Not yet. Need to fight the apathy, build up a reserve of willpower and then go for it.

I'm sure it shouldn't be this hard.