Metaphor my counsellor came up with this week was being in a small boat on the ocean: bobbing along and not sinking but not really going anywhere other than maybe when the wind or some other force pushes me in a direction for bit, not really under my control and with no real destination in mind. And that's ok for a while but maybe not forever. I still can't think about a direction though, I just burst into tears whenever I do. Learning which guided meditations to avoid...
Changed meds to mirtazapine - still not convinced how much that's helping, although the extreme irritability and outbursts of RAGE have thankfully subsided a bit. Increasing the dosage to see how that goes. Still seeing counsellor. Still trying to work, keep on top of housework, exercise, see people etc. Some days that's all straightforward and then I don't know what to do with myself when I suddenly have time, and other days it takes all my mental energy to scrape through the bare minimum. Doesn't seem to matter so much when I don't get "everything" done though. Not sure whether that's a good thing or not. Just can't think about it too much - can't think about anything too much, it all just slips away from my attention. Good for avoiding rumination, less good for...executive function generally.
Occasionally picking away at a short story I started many months ago and may even finish one day. But mostly putting creative effort into running D&D with two ongoing campaigns (one mostly weekly and one nearly monthly). Attempts to broaden my cooking repetoire have stalled and just finding things to put in my mouth every day is current goal. Something something "good enough".
So there we are. Bobbing along, directionless but afloat.
