Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Stupid feelings

So when the person I'm supposed to go to when I'm upset is away and busy, who do I turn to then? The person I want to talk to or the person who will actually want to talk to me? I'll settle for neither. I'll try and not be all attention-seeking and update my Facebook/Gmail status/Twitter with depressive, angsty statements (does that count as passive-aggressive behaviour? It's certainly a dumb thing to do.) I'll try and get some work done or failing that read or play games or something to try and distract myself from this stupid stupid mood I've gotten myself into.

I don't know whether I'm going to cry or not. I've been doing that a lot lately, but I'm still plucking up the courage to go make another doctor's appointment. Should just get it over and done with I suppose.

Tried a bit more of that MoodGYM I started trying a while back. I stopped for quite a while because I reached some exercises I was having difficulty doing. Not too suprisingly I failed to do any more today, mostly because the first involved asking other people how's they'd feel/react in a similar situation to something that upset me. So not only could I not think of a recent situation which triggered bad feelings in me, I don't have anyone else to ask right now. So then I wound up feeling even worse.

Apparently I'm still doing well at actually getting things done. Well, I will have been if I managed housework/writing today and don't let the Terror play computer games all afternoon like yesterday. So I should be proud of myself for that at least. But I'm not. I'm just all choked up with these feelings I can't control, thoughts that I know I shouldn't be thinking and the only way I know to make it all go away is to wait. And eventually I'll find someone else to obsess over, but there might be a brief respite in between. Maybe I'll get some different drugs and I'll be able to focus on work more, and won't feel like bursting into tears every half hour.  Maybe I'll eventually finish this damned thesis and maybe I'll even get a  job I can stand doing in the end and everything will turn out ok.

But right now, life sucks. And it shouldn't.
Blogged with the Flock Browser


Anonymous said...

Have you seen the nightline posters?

Adele said...

Not recently. Problem is I'm not much use at talking to strangers - even via email.

Also, I'm not sure they're much help mid-morning. I actually have a very good social support structure (another reason I don't think I have a right to complain), it's just they mostly work during the day.