For those you don't know (and I doubt anyone actually reading this doesn't) my beloved partner/fiance/baby-father is bi-gender (the hyphen is useful, or people might think one if talking about Blefuscudians or something). As sie puts it - somedays she's a girl, other days he's a boy. Gendered pronouns get a bit confusing as one would imagine - several people (myself included, unfortunately) tend to default to male pronouns (having been used to knowing him as male for so long), others default to female which she would probably prefer. And often we use gender neutral pronouns (specifically "sie" and "hir"), which I will use in this blog post at least.
And to be perfectly honest, the pronouns issue is the biggest problem for me. We always used to joke that sie was more of a girl than I was and that we got the gender roles the wrong way round in our house. The revelation (to both of us, as sie told me as soon as sie got hir own head sorted) a few years ago didn't really change the way I viewed hir or felt about hir. I think that in itself took me by surprise more - I had the feeling that I ought to be more bothered or at least have some opinion. But no, it was just a "ok then" and some effort to try and remember and adjust my language accordingly. When sie "came out" more recently, I was nervous for hir, but as more and more people were told and accepted it just as naturally as I had, and hir confidence and general happiness increased I was happier too and brimming with pride that sie'd overcome a major obstacle (more internal than external) and was becoming the person sie always should have been. Even the name change wasn't as much of a problem as I'd anticipated, and our son just accepted it in the way kids just do. He's less accepting of the idea that his daddy might be a girl occasionally, but then he also says boys can't have long hair, so what does he know? He's five - he's still learning about this gender thing.
But then, aren't we all? Gender isn't about stereotypes after all. While my beloved delights in nail varnish and can chat happily with workmates about clothes, I really don't grok the whole make-up thing at all. And, sure, clothes can be pretty, and so can jewellry, but ultimately I just want something to keep me warm/cover me up so I can go out in public. The only clothes I'm likely to get excited about are Last Exit To Nowhere t-shirts or the like. It was my fiance who started me wearing skirts and tighter fitting clothes, and admitting being a girl wasn't all bad. I think if not for hir I'd still be wearing geeky t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms. And for every "typical woman" behaviour I engage in, I bet I can find a "typical male" one as well. I don't really "forget" I'm a woman, I just joke I do, but I've never really considered it an important part of my identity, and hearing feminists talk makes me wonder if I'm missing something. Yet apparently I'm a cisgendered woman. I see no reason why I shouldn't be.
And I have no idea what it really is about. I'm hardly an expert and am not in the right frame of mind at the moment to even begin to guess. Because really gender is just another label, and labels are neither a good nor a bad thing inherently but exist mostly for societal convenience. Mostly, but not exclusively. Some people, like my SO, and to a lesser extent myself, feel the need to apply labels to things, including themselves, in order to better understand them. And of course one always want to be able to understand as much as possible, especially oneself. So labels like gender, sexuality, ethnicity etc are as much about a person defining themself as declaring "This is who I am" as they are about society or PTB categorizing people and declaring "This is who you are". Which is why a limited set of labels, defined by the relevant authority, is a bad thing. Which is why binary gender is a bad thing. And forcing people to choose one, when they'd much rather choose both, or neither, or something else entirely, is not only a bad thing from a personal liberty point of view, it also misses out on potentially important information about the sheer variety of people that can and do exist. (I hope that makes sense.)
I drifted off-topic slightly I think. It's late, I'm getting tired as the coffee wears off, and I doubt I really have anything useful left to say. My point was intended to be that I don't judge people by labels, most people I know don't either, and that a person doesn't really change just because the label changes. I call a person by the name they want to be known by as that is the polite thing to do. Likewise, I refer to people by the pronoun set they choose, the title they choose, whatever, because that is simply the polite thing to do. I accept that people have the right to be who they want to be, regardless of whether I understand why they feel that way, and get rather angry at other people who think it's any of their business. I guess that's why I qualified for a "not a jerk" badge.
And just because I muttered a bit about labels - here's the list I think apply to me. I'm a cisgendered, heteroflexible, heterosocial, atheistic, liberal, social phobic, chronic depressive, female geek. Although once again I almost forgot the "female" part. Maybe I do forget I'm a woman occasionally.
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tl;dr - gender is confusing, people are who they are.
Blogged with the Flock Browser
2 comments:
I didn't know this, but then I don't know you - personally ;-)
"Because really gender is just another label, and labels are neither a good nor a bad thing inherently but exist mostly for societal convenience."
I disagree. It isn't, at all. It's a biological difference and affects many aspects of one's life (especially whilst a child) in many ways, including hormone balance.
"...and get rather angry at other people who think it's any of their business."
Fair enough. But you do post things on a PUBLIC blog.
"My point was intended to be that I don't judge people by labels, most people I know don't either, and that a person doesn't really change just because the label changes."
Of course. But labels are convenient, very convenient and are often used to easily refer to a person/thing without having to qualify each statement with spiel. Unfortunately for some people/things - many people do not differentiate between the label and the person/thing.
If your hubby wishes to be called as a he/she as he/she sees fit then that's his/her and your choice. But I don't see any problem with a label for convenience if everyone knows the meaning and there is no malice. For instance, would a work colleague have to check everyday if he/she was today a he or she?
That could get tasking...and I think it would be ridiculous to become offended at people who failed to comply such a thing.
I suppose I didn't really make clear that I was making a distinction between gender and sex. There is obviously many biological differences between the sexes and these naturally have an effect which in turn has led to many of the presumptions about how men and women behave and should behave. So, yes, gender does have its roots in our biology- that's why the vast majority of people's gender and sex are the same.
I think in my sleepiness I confused gender role and gender identity - there can certainly be a huge difference between how society and people expect one to behave as a man/woman and whether one feels like a man/woman. I do this a lot.
`"...and get rather angry at other people who think it's any of their business."
Fair enough. But you do post things on a PUBLIC blog.'
Let me clarify - I meant I get angry at people who think it's their business to state who a person can or cannot be. (As for posting things publicly,that's because I'm an attention-seeker. :D )
`Of course. But labels are convenient, very convenient and are often used to easily refer to a person/thing without having to qualify each statement with spiel. Unfortunately for some people/things - many people do not differentiate between the label and the person/thing.'
I think you've just explained more elegantly what I took far too long to fail to communicate. Labels are useful and important for understanding and ease of reference, but people are still people.
As for the he/she thing....I don't think I've met anyone who gets offended at being referred to by the "wrong" pronoun when the person making the mistake has no reason to know any better. (Of course this won't be generally true as someone somewhere is bound to be offended by just about anything.) They mostly just get annoyed at people who should know better getting it wrong.
In my SO's case sie mostly wears skirts on a "female" day,making it that bit easier to spot, but asked people to try and default to "she" if they weren't sure. Because sie's so easy-going and realises this is probably difficult sie's not really offended by people referring to hir as "he", but might correct them quietly.
I agree it is unfair to expect people to automatically know how to refer to a person - after all they don't know your name without you telling them so why should they know which pronoun set you prefer without you telling them? Like titles - one can guess whether a person is a Mr or a Ms, but if they prefer Miss or Dr then surely they can just correct a person without either party being offended.
Thank you for your comment - it's somewhat gratifying to know someone other than my friends actually bothered to read!
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