Here, again

 And I don't know why I let myself believe things could be different, and I don't know why I can't let go of that idea, and I don't know how this can have been going on for so long and I don't know why it matters so much to me after everything else that has happened and, most importantly, I don't know how to stop it. I'm back to just trying to live in the moment, to just do the next thing and not think too hard about the future or why I'm doing any of these things. And listening to lots and lots of podcasts to try and drown out the sounds of my own thoughts.