Here, again

 And I don't know why I let myself believe things could be different, and I don't know why I can't let go of that idea, and I don't know how this can have been going on for so long and I don't know why it matters so much to me after everything else that has happened and, most importantly, I don't know how to stop it. I'm back to just trying to live in the moment, to just do the next thing and not think too hard about the future or why I'm doing any of these things. And listening to lots and lots of podcasts to try and drown out the sounds of my own thoughts. 

"A named thing is a tamed thing"

 Limerence

I don't know when I first came across the word, but I was re-introduced to it recently and this time I read more and absorbed more and something finally clicked. 

I wasn't crazy.

Since about age thirteen or so, I've been plagued by persistent, all-consuming, crushes. They were torturous, heart-breaking. When I was younger, of course I knew I wasn't going to "grow out of it" - I was in love. Even when I knew there was no realistic chance of a relationship. It drove me mad. As I got older, I naively assumed they would stop when I finally fell "in love" properly, and was in a happy relationship.

They didn't. 

Which just added an extra layer of guilt to the already heady mix of emotions. Jess was, of course, very understanding, and I gradually learned to accept that I wasn't a terrible person for feeling these things that I had no control over. But not having control over feelings is one thing, not being able to control my fantasies, not being able to resist checking social media or looking at photos - those are definitely things I should be able to avoid doing, right? I'm just weak. Or selfish. I can't really overemphasise how much of a mindf**k it is to want something so much while simultaneously knowing it would be terrible in reality and probably ruin several people's lives.

Eventually, repeated desperate googling led me to discover there was a word for what I felt, a specific one, not "love" not simply a "crush" but something else. And more importantly, it wasn't just me. Other people felt this way. Enough that a word had been created specifically to describe this feeling that I'd so struggled to adequately explain to everyone before. 

Ok, it's not much of a relief to realise you're not the only idiot that keeps feeling this way, but it did mean I had a different way of framing my feelings. I wasn't repeatedly "falling in love". I was just "limerent". I wasn't betraying Jess in some deep emotional way, it was just brain chemistry. 

And brain chemistry can be fixed, right?

Unfortunately,  the blog title is a lie. Naming something and taming it are two whole different things. It's nice to think that just because I know it's essentially an addiction I'd be able to get a handle on it, but addictions are hard to break for a reason. And the most obvious thing to try, complete avoidance, just isn't always possible. Sure, for one person, maybe you can just cut them out of your life and hope you eventually stop thinking about them. Maybe. But if I don't know who the next object of infatuation will be? Do I avoid all people? Or even just avoid feelings of attraction? How is that supposed to work?

It can't, of couse. Unless maybe I became a hermit or so super-practiced at mindfulness that all emotions just wash over me without catching on. But I can set boundaries. I can keep plugging away at trying to improve my overall mental health. 

And, I suppose, I can try counselling and try actually being honest about how much this bothers me, insead of just shying away from the subject because I'm 41 and really should have grown out of this bby now.

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(Title quote from Joanne Harris - Runemarks)

[Short-short story] Incubus

He haunts my dreams. I don't recall for how long. Just that at some point, he's always been there. Handsome, with urbane wit and a sly smile, I fell for him instantly. Hard. There was no seduction involved and none needed; the attraction was too strong to be resisted and with the conversation-less ease that exists only in dreams, I went from seeing him, to being in his arms, to being in his bed. I was his.

Each night he returns. The dreams started getting longer, wilder, more intense, and I started waking up exhausted. I'd think about him more and more during the day, ignoring more and more of my life to lose myself in my fantasies. Thoughts of him lay heavy on my mind and I longed to see him again, welcoming each night as a chance to return to his embrace.

Now he haunts my days as well. I barely need to close my eyes to see his face, his voice answers unspoken thoughts, and I can almost feel his touch as if he were right beside me even now. And as much as I long to be with him, to feel his soft skin against mine, I know I need to find a way to escape.

Because I'm starting to get afraid. He's more arrogant, more demanding, crueler. As he pushes his way into my waking life, he becomes more confident, more eager, hungrier. I don't know what he wants and I daren't ask, but I have worked out what he's using me for and I'm scared that the right thing to do is to stop him. Scared because I don't think I can. I don't think I have the strength to tear myself away, to ignore him and push him away. To forget.

I love him so very very much.