Need More Coffee

Still tired after the weekend. Daddy was away plotting evil things yesterday so I had a full day of the Terror - despite help from friends with more patience than I thought humanly possible it was still a struggle. No housework done and really I don't care - I got to have my whisky for Burns' Night in the end so that was something.

But dragging myself out of bed this morning was a struggle. Not that anything is particularly bad today, it's just another Monday. Sleep never seems to rest me, I don't know if I'm getting too little or too much. Anxieties about work, motherhood, housekeeping just keep building up. I try not to worry about other people who mean more to me than they'll ever know. Try to rationalise to myself there's nothing I can say that they don't already know, nothing i can do to help, that it's none of my business and it'll probably all work out in the end. Still occupies my mind, still hurts to see others pretending they're ok when they're obviously not. Even casual acquaintances have problems or illnesses which I wish I could say something about to...not help, but show support. That type of social impulse which proves to myself I'm not on the autistic spectrum, but I still don't know what to say or have the courage to say it. Horrific news that I can barely cope with but doesn't seem to affect anyone i know in the same way - just more bad stuff happening in a bad world. I seem to be building a tolerance to that one at least, I can read the headlines again. Most days.

And through this fog of angst I have to pick my way through another day - following routines meant to help that just make me feel worse. Exercise, bath, work, exercise, lunch, maybe some housework, work, head to school....that's supposed to be the easy bit of the day, but I need to fight myself as much as I end up fighting with the Terror. I want to just go back to bed, curl up and cry or lose myself in fantasies about how it could all be so much better. I suppose it's progress that I don't just do that, that I do face the day and try and do things even though I often fail and end up in tears or hating myself. Avoid that negative thinking - I don't always fail, I just set my standards too high sometimes. And I dislike things being difficult, but that's just tough. Life is difficult. I still have to live it.