Monday, March 23, 2009

I Don't Like Mondays

I mean, I start off with the best of intentions, but I'm not really a morning person so I get up tired and grumpy and help get the Terror off to school. Then plod into work after remembering to put the rubbish out and sit down and waste time on the internet first. And then it's not even coffee time, so I have to start work.

If I even have a clue where to start, where I left it last week, or what I intended to do this week. Which most of the time I don't. So I have to start from scratch again.

And I have a great deal of inertia to get over before I can even start. Especially these days when positive thoughts slip out of my mind as easily as water out of a sieve. And apathy fills me up until I can barely move from the weight. My usual problem was acute anxiety attacks whenever I tried to force myself to work. I'd panic, start crying, mind a blank and unable to do anything other than fret that I should be doing work and yet I'm not. But not today. Today is just dull, and my efforts to force a work ethic into my natural lazy self are being met with a stubborn "meh". Tears welling up, but I don't want to cry so much as curl up and go to sleep. Vaguely aware I'm probably making it worse for myself just because I expect it to be hard, but I don't think I have the strength of character to just push through it and work anyway.

I suppose best I can do is try and distract myself with make-work, then maybe I'll get into the swing of things and accidentally end up doing something productive. That would be the sensible thing to do. Whether I do that or not, I have no idea. I don't know if I'm even in control of me anymore. I don't know who "me" is, j don't think I'm capable of being the person I want to be. Not without several years more practice.

Ok, rambling now. Should work. Hoped this would make me feel better, but don't think it did. Bah.
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