If I even have a clue where to start, where I left it last week, or what I intended to do this week. Which most of the time I don't. So I have to start from scratch again.
And I have a great deal of inertia to get over before I can even start. Especially these days when positive thoughts slip out of my mind as easily as water out of a sieve. And apathy fills me up until I can barely move from the weight. My usual problem was acute anxiety attacks whenever I tried to force myself to work. I'd panic, start crying, mind a blank and unable to do anything other than fret that I should be doing work and yet I'm not. But not today. Today is just dull, and my efforts to force a work ethic into my natural lazy self are being met with a stubborn "meh". Tears welling up, but I don't want to cry so much as curl up and go to sleep. Vaguely aware I'm probably making it worse for myself just because I expect it to be hard, but I don't think I have the strength of character to just push through it and work anyway.
I suppose best I can do is try and distract myself with make-work, then maybe I'll get into the swing of things and accidentally end up doing something productive. That would be the sensible thing to do. Whether I do that or not, I have no idea. I don't know if I'm even in control of me anymore. I don't know who "me" is, j don't think I'm capable of being the person I want to be. Not without several years more practice.
Ok, rambling now. Should work. Hoped this would make me feel better, but don't think it did. Bah.
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