Days seem so empty. I try and fill them up. Can't relax sometimes though. Think I should be doing something "useful" but then fail to think what "useful" thing needs doing. Must be loads of housework that needs doing, but I seem to blind to it. Or it all just seems too much and I don't even know where to start. I can't bring myself to even pick up one thing and tidy it away. I surrender to the helplessness I feel surrounded by this chaos.
And then the insidious thoughts creep in.
"I must be stupid, I can't think what to do."
"I'm too lazy."
I recognise these for what they are though. Unhelpful, self-depreciating labeling - classical symptoms of a depressed mind. But then worst of all:
"I'm too weak to stop being depressed."
As if I could somehow cure myself if only I tried harder.
Well, who knows? Maybe that's true. But beating myself up about it won't do me any good. Bursting into tears and lying huddled on the bathroom floor for half an hour won't do me any good either, but if it happens, it happens. I just need to try and recover, pull myself together and move on. Need to stop being so hard on myself everytime I slip up. Need to stop stressing so much that I'll worry people if I let on how hard I've been finding it lately. Because, frankly, I'm fed up of pretending I'm ok. I'm not. I don't take medication because I'm ok - I take it because I'm ill and I hope it will help.
No, I don't know what you can do to help. I don't even know what I can do to help. I don't know what I should be doing, I don't know what I will do. I'm just writing this to get it off my chest. I want someone to help me, to make it all better or to just give me some hope that one day everything will be better and we'll all live happily ever after. I don't expect anyone can actually do that. I'm just trying to keep on going.