Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Big Day

Today's the day I've been dreading since, well, since I started a PhD. After the stress and general searing anxiety of the last few weeks, I suddenly hit a period of calm yesterday where it seemed like I'd gone through panic and out of the other side. Today I'm a bit more nervous, but nowhere near as bad as I feared. In two and a half hours I have to meet someone new and talk to them about my work.

I know I'll be fine. I might not do stunningly well, he might ask all the questions I don't want him to ask, and maybe I'll freeze up a bit at the start and have difficulty talking for a bit. But ultimately I'll survive, and I trust my supervisor's judgment enough to have confidence that my thesis is worth a pass. I expect there to be revisions, possibly more than I really want, but even that is something I can cope with. It was easy to establish this sang-froid once I realised I don't actually have a lot riding on this. Yes, it would be a disappointment (and not just to me) and frustrating should the last five years work turn out to be for naught. But I don't have a job or career depending on the outcome of this afternoon. And my self-esteem has already hit rock-bottom lately - I can't imagine it getting any worse. But it could get better. And getting through my viva should help with that.

Besides, however badly it goes, I have a night out with friends to look forward to. Unless I get arrested or hospitalised, and it's hard to see how it could go that badly....

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