It took me several years to admit I actually liked larp

 I said those words (or a version of them) the other night and as my next booked larp event draws closer the brain gremlins have gone on the attack again. Historically, I definitely mostly enjoyed myself whenever I went. There are lots of people I only ever see there (and on Facebook) and I miss them. I like visiting that other world and taking a break from this one, and coming back with stories of some of the ludicrous things people did or said. 

But what do I actually do there, and how much different is it going to be without Jess? 

This might be why I'm repeatedly putting off actually making arrangements to get there. It would be much easier to stay at home and feel like I'm missing out, than cope with all the hassle and possible feeling of extreme loneliness once I get there. 

And it's not like I think I'm actually any good at any of it. I certainly can't do any of the elaborate costumes some do - just don't have the makeup/craft skills or even the right sort of eye to buy elements to put together. I'm still as shy as ever, not really that great at staying in character, can't fight for toffee, can't sing or play an instrument...I just turn up, drink some drinks, listen to other people chat, and hopefully say the right words for the right length of time to be useful without needing too much healing myself. 

But then I have the same sort of reservations about tabletop RPGs. Despite GMing for well over a decade, I don't think I'm any good at it. I certainly struggle with plotting, preparing ahead of time in sufficient detail, and my descriptions are vague. As my son will quickly tell you, I tend to spend a lot of time "um"ing and "er"ing and trailing off sentences....And on the rare occasion I get to play, I suffer a lack of imagination with character creation and actually proactively doing things instead of reacting to situations. And we play D&D pretty much exclusively because while I'm ok learning a new system, teaching one is a whole other kettle of fish. But I still have a (mostly) regular game and people seem to like it? So maybe I'm not that bad.

And of course, there's my new hobby. I would, charitably, call myself "a bit of a klutz", but thanks to a couple of taster sessions from an enthusiastic colleague, and an offer of a regular lift, I started going to Ceroc lessons a while back. I...am not terrible? I may even be good? I certainly picked it up faster than I thought I would, and even manage polite conversation most weeks. Contrary to many years of asserting otherwise, it seems I can dance even when sober, even if I still laugh to myself every time at being one of the "ladies". But I think learning to lead is many years of practice off in the future.

So, I guess I do like larp, I like GMing and I like dancing. It doesn't actually matter how "good" I am at any of them. I just need to keep going.