TV

Because I have been watching lots of John Green livestreams, I'm even further behind with my TV watching. Still not up to date on Critical Role, still haven't started watching Agatha All Along or last season of The Umbrella Academy.

I did watch the first episode of Everyone Else Burns, at my friend Will's behest, and it was quite good so I will go back to that. Likewise, I watched the first episode of season two of The Devil's Hour - I was sceptical that the show needed a second season but actually, it's pretty well done and I'm interested in how the story is going to develop. 

I did of course watch all of Legends of Vox Machina - now past the point I'd reached in the campaign so have no point of comparison and don't know where the story's heading. A while before that I finished my rewatch of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, probably still a comfort watch for me in the future. It was the show Jess would stick on to cheer me up when nothing else worked. I enjoyed Andor, which avoided some of the problems of the other recent live action Star Wars shows by, um, having a compelling story to tell I guess. Although it helps that I could just gaze at Diego Luna all day. I also watched all of Veronica Mars - a show I loved when it first came out but never got to see the end of. Feel a bit sad at how it ended, but mostly sad that it did end. 

D&D update

 So my weekly game met an...old woman...who lived in a copse and wanted to know all the latest gossip. She volunteered to find someone they had been looking for in exchange for them delivering a letter to "a friend". They agreed and scied in a bowl of water on a half-orc druid they used to know, and got an idea of where they are now. 

My monthly-ish group were summoned by a local noble and asked if they could save the nephew who had been petrified by an unknown creature while on a hunting trip. After doing some resarch, and taking along a couple of cannon-fodder, they encountered a gorgon which they managed to kill. Consulting a number of arcane texts, they concoct the cure and restore the Baron's nephew.  

Depression and dissociation

 CW - passive suicidal ideaton

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I've not been having a good time. Good days happen, of course, but there's this undercurrent of just not wanting to have to keep on doing *gestures* all this. I've been coping with that, for varying degrees of coping, by trying to keep busy, keep distracted, numb the feelings at all costs. This includes a lot of comfort eating and sometimes drinking a bit too much wine. 

Yesterday, I admitted to my counsellor that I was missing Jess, and missing her lots more than the previous few months. And I don't know really why she is in my thoughts more at the moment, whether this is because I am struggling or vice versa. I just miss having her around. I want someone to help me with all the practical stuff, I want someone to talk to after a day at work. At night, I wrap the duvet around myself but, whenver I roll over, I adjust it so it's still covering her side of the bed. There's just this gap where she used to be. 

So I've been listening to music and podcasts to try and distract me, but still keep lapsing into fantasy and playing out various scenarios in my head. And I'm aware this is not healthy, and have been trying to take steps to ground myself and practice mindfulness and just...not live in a fantasy world all the time. But that's tough, when reality is so unappealing. I've found myself dissociating more, not to the extent of being completely unaware of my surroundings or anything, but just getting that feeling of detachment from the outside world. Seeing everything softly out-of-focus. Finding it hard to concentrate. Feeling like I'm drifting away from my body. Or when forced to look inside, finding only a void where any sense of self used to live.

I am fine when I'm with people, and actually getting some human interaction. I enjoy my time with friends, and chats with family, and even going into work and just having people around. But whenever I'm by myself, the depression creeps back in. Today has actually been a good day, which is why I felt like I could write this. But I suspect I will still wake up tomorrow and think "another day to get through".

So This Happened Today

 

My post was in response to his video from today which is worth a watch (as always). 

I think I can quit the internet now, right?

D&D

 I'm currently running two D&D campaigns, and really should be doing some prep instead of writing blog posts. 

My weekly game has been running for, um, some years now, and is done over Discord as that makes it far easier to get everyone together at a regular time each week. Set on Wildemount, the party is currently level 9 and consists of a human fighter dual-wielding rapiers, a dragonborn barbarian who is ex city-guard, an air genasi bard with a pet owlbear cublet, a very innocent elf life cleric and a gnome druid who is very fond of rum. They have previously "acquired" two ships, been recruited by the Marquis of Port Damali as special ops, found and destroyed an Arm of the Betrayers, befriended two dragons and a mind-flayer, and bought into a multi-level marketing scheme selling cosmetics and scents. They're currently on their way to meet up with a previous member of the party, Void, who has been investigating a devil-worshipping cult. I'm sure that will be pretty straight-forward and they can all just go have a beer together. 

My monthly game with work colleagues is in person and started as a one-shot nearly two years ago now, with all new players. I adapted the absolute classic A Wild Sheep Chase for lower level, and they were hooked. Currently consisting of two human fighters, one an eldritch knight noble and the other the best damn chef in the world (with a bow), a half-elf druid, an elf wizard and a recently joined tabaxi rogue, The Animal Exploders have also explored the Feywild, attempted a jailbreak, accidentally killed a wizard, adragon and a member of the Harpers, double-crossed a criminal gang and are recently returned from cleansing a goblin shrine. I need to think up something for them to do next, although I'm sure if I left the to it they'd find some trouble to get into.

I'm not actually sure which of the two groups is more chaotic. I love them both, and DMing for either is always a highlight of my week. Now I really must go do some prep.

Flowers

 (Thoughts inspired by Miley Cyrus's Flowers)

Yes, I could by myself flowers, but as I always leave them too long in the vase they will just end up a rotting mess and I really don't need another reminder that all life is temporary. 

Writing my name in the sand would involve going to the beach, and I'm not sure I've been since Jess died. She loved the seaside, and Whitby especially has so many precious memories.

I do talk to myself for hours, saying things no-one else would understand, because who else have I got to talk to?

I can't take myself dancing, I've proven that. Good thing I have friends to take me instead.

Holding my own hand is kind of weird, isn't it? Even if metaphorical, it kind of misses the point of hand holding, really. That someone else is there.

I can love me better than you can? I'm not sure I even like me, love is certainly too hard. I wish I could say I was trying, but really all I'm trying to do is get through each day. 

Podcasts

 I listen to a lot of podcasts, mostly to avoid being alone with my own thoughts which is probably not healthy. But we cope in the ways we can.

I generally think of the podcasts I subscribe to in four groups. First, and what I've been mostly listening to today, are the RPGs: How We Roll Podcast, which I am still working my way through from the beginning, Nerd Therapy and Dead Ghost Productions, who are also behind the amazing Kill Every Monster which has definitely influenced my thinking on running several D&D monsters. 

Then we have the fiction. Aside from the obvious Welcome to Night Value, I also like Within the Wires, the first season of which may be one of my favourite stories ever, in any format. I also listen to three of Escape Artists' podcasts, namely Escape Pod, PseudoPod and PodCastle as well as Tales of Britain and Ireland and Red Valley 

As for non-fiction, if you haven't heard of 99 Percent Invisible, where have you even been? That and Radiolab are probably what got me hooked on podcasts to start with, and I don't think there's ever been a duff episode. I quite liked Articles of Interest, too, despite not really having a pre-existing interest in clothes, and Lingthusiasm got me interested in linguistics rather than the other way round. Media Storm is a hard listen almost always, but an important one. This Day in Esoteric Political History has really helped understand American history and present more, and Stuff the British Stole filled in some embarassing gaps in my knowledge of my own country's past. From the BBC, I like The Life Scientific and More or Less. I'm also still persisting with Freakanomics Radio and History of Philosophy Without Any Gaps but my interest is waning, and they often just end up being background noise. And about the only good thing I can think of about recent international political events is that we might get a lot more of What Roman Mars Can Learn About Con Law.

Finally, there's the "miscellaneous" category. If you've read some of my other posts, you won't be surprised that the big one is Dear Hank and John, but there's also Lateral with Tom Scott, Uncanny and, definitely the most random, The Podcast at Dawn's House - a podcast about the Baby-Sitters Club books which I have never read and never will, but am now strangely familiar with thanks to deciding to listen to a friend's pandemic project and getting hooked. 

We're here because we're here

Just posting a link to one of my favourite videos because my mental health has been possibly even worse today than the previous few days and that's saying something. It makes me cry, but is also calming and, like most of John Green's writing, still vaguely hopeful. And the walk through a snowy wood is almost as good as doing it myself. 

Finding your people

The last time I was refered to the Community Mental Health Team, one of their recommendations was I try reaching out to Kyra, a local charity that provides courses and support for women. I tried, I joined, I did a mindfulness course and do keep looking at the monthly newsletter, thinking I ought to go again, but I didn't feel like I quite fitted there. So many of the other women were struggling to find time for themselves in between work and caring responsibilties, I was struggling to do anything beyond the bare minimum required to survive. They were all so creative, every single one seemed to do some form of crafting. I have two left thumbs. I may go back. I may not.

In theory, the internet is a wonderful way for shy weirdos like me to find like-minded people. It certainly felt that way twenty plus years ago when I first had access, and I lurked on various Usenet newsgroups and discussion forums and even occasionally posted. I did feel like part of something. Now they are largely gone, replaced by various social media platforms and at some point along the way that sense of community vanished too. I stopped commenting on things, because the risk of backlash was too great. There was definitely an element of my social anxiety increasing too. Why the hell would this person who doesn't know me want to hear from me? 

When I first abandoned Twitter for Bluesky, I felt like I'd got some of that early Twitter vibe back - probably because I was following the same people, but I still couldn't bring myself to engage much beyond a "like" and so inevitably it feels a more lonely experience. Still just lurking, not having a conversation but just observing others, it doesn't really feel like I'm involved. And I know that it's on me to change that, but I'm just not sure I know how any more (if I ever did). 

I've come quite late to the various works of John and Hank Green, and while everything points towards Nerdfighteria being a wonderful and welcoming community....I don't feel part of it and more I don't feel like I can be part of it. I don't know why — maybe because I'm new, maybe because I don't know how, maybe just because I'm scared of trying to form new relationships, even behind the safety of a computer screen. That sense of disconnection that just seems to permeate my life at the moment. 

Of course, I have real life friends and acquaintances, people who have accepted me and are friendly despite my chronic shyness. I lurk in real life too, but people seem to be ok with that, and of course it's easier for them to include me when I'm physically than if I'm just a number in a viewer or follower count. I don't think I am as socially isolated as the CMHT seemed to think I was, although I am often lonely. But I do miss the broader sense of community and belonging that I used to get from, say, alt.fan.pratchett. 

Really, America? Again?

 I don't think I have anything useful I can say. I certainly don't have any insights on how this could have happened, or what the next four years are going to be like. My heart goes out to all the people who will be harmed - the trans folk, the disabled people, the people of colour, the women, the immigrants, the poor, the otherwise marginalised. Yes, even those that voted for him. I'm a strong believer in people's faces not being eaten by leopards even if they did vote for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. 

I really should have stayed off the social internet today, but among all the despair there were reminders that there are still communities that care deeply and therein lies hope. I just spent the last hour or so listening to John Green read and line edit his forthcoming book "Everything is Tuberculosis" on a youtube livestream while reading the chat. I might blog tomorrow about my struggles to find online community, but for now I'll just say that generally the people that crop up in those livestream chats seem to be caring and thoughtful, and that does help restore my faith in humanity a little. All we have is each other, after all. 

Story ideas that aren't going anywhere

An incomplete list of ideas and hooks, both old and new, that I just can't seem to make into anything.

• Swarm of drones rescue someone lost at sea, told from the point of view of one drone (inspired by this skeet)
• A pair of black shoes are found abandoned by the cemetery gates
• "The Reality Generator is malfunctioning."
• A person has several lives of very different people in very different universes that they switch between whenever they fall asleep.
• Middle aged man struggles to cope in the aftermath of his wife's sudden death (a screenplay for some reason)
• Boy finds a hidden staircase in his grandparents' attic that takes him to an infinitely large library filled with fantastical residents
• PhD student recovering from breakdown house sits for their uncle, various magical things happen (like a doll that makes wishes come true)
• Former teen superheroes try to find a place in society, then aliens invade
• A sister tried to look after her younger brother in the aftermath of a war where society has pretty much collapsed
• Twenty-something spends weekend at sprawling family estate with highly dysfunctional family and tries to rescue his niece
• Werewolves running society so they can keep humans under control, small pockets of resistance try and fight back

The last one is probably the furthest along (19478 words!) but hasn't been touched in years. Some of these I'd forgotten all about until I delved into the files. There are other snippets of writing that I don't  remember doing and have no idea what the intent was. As an example, one file named "vampire" contains only the following: 

                The sun was still an hour or so from setting and the air was starting to get cool. I had time to kill before meeting my parents for dinner and was feeling restless. I just started walking, trying to stick to the side streets away from the crowds.

I'm guessing the person meets a vampire? Is a vampire? Who knows.

I start way, way more stories than I finish, and my inability to plan may be to blame. But if I outline a plot I know where the story is going and it becomes 100% less interesting to me immediately. I think that's why I love GMing so much instead - I can have ideas about what's going on in the world, set up a cool scenario, but what actually happens isn't all down to me and often ends up going in directions I would never have thought of. My players do the writing for me. 

Struggling already

 I knew this "blog every day" thing would be a challenge, I just didn't expect to run out of ideas four days in. There's still a couple of short story ideas spinning around my head but I can't quite get them in focus enough to write them down. 

Today generally has been a bit of a blur - took the dog for a six month check-up at vet and was filled with anxiety all the way there. He's an old dog now, and I know he desperately needs dental work doing but it isn't currently causing him noticable issues, so I keep putting it off. And it's a long walk for him, too much time for my brain to get worked up about having to interact with strangers. I made it without tears but on the way I was worried I wouldn't. So anxiety over that, and having sent off work to be reviewed, and having a meeting tomorrow about that work...I have other projects to work on but I couldn't focus enough on them either to get much done. 

I managed a short run this evening, having completed Couch to 5K previously I'm cycling through the "Beyond Couch to 5K" runs, and then just felt sad and cried a bit in the shower. It's hard not to feel like I'm wasting my life because I waste so many days but also because I don't know what I should be doing with my days, or rather, because how I wish I was spending my days just doesn't seem to be possible most of the time. As always, John Green has some wise words on a related subject, and I think I better stop there before I start crying again.

Boardgames

 Spent day catching up with friends I'd not seen in far too long, watching seals and the sea at Flamborough Head, and playing several boardgames. First up was Saboteur, where you play as hard-working dwarves trying to mine to the gold, unless you're the saboteur who wants to stop them getting it for....reasons? I'm generally terrible both at being a traitor and at working out who else is, but this wasn't too stressful, not least because sometimes you just don't have the cards to do much anyway. Then we played Ticket to Ride: Europe, and while I didn't manage my usual aim of getting everything in one continous route, I did finish several tickets and ended up winning. Next up was Mysterium - a game I'd not played before but had been wanting to try for ages. Similar to Dixit by same publisher you need to kind of get on the same wavelength as the person playing the ghost who is handing your medium picture clues to solve a murder. It was really good. We finished with the ludicrously good fun Top Gun Strategy Game, where you play beach volleyball in order to be better in dogfights. Obviously. I struggled a bit with visualising the movement in the dogfights and planning ahead, but still managed to win every beach volleyball match and overall. Pretty sure I'd not be as good at either in real life.

[Fiction] Smile

CW: blood, gore, extreme violence, everyday sexism

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"Smile, love!"

He was hanging, as is the way, from the passenger side of his best friend's car, as it sat stopped at the traffic light. She, or rather, the creature he had assumed was a she, was standing by the roadside as if waiting to cross, head dipped and gazing fixedly at the ground. At his shout, it lifted its head, and its unblinking stare caught him full on. The face split into an unnaturally large, rictus parody of a grin, unveiling rows of too small, too sharp teeth. Suddenly less sure of himself, he stammered out a feeble, "Wh-what's the matter wi-" before the lights changed and they drove off. 

He slunk back into his seat and said to his friend, "That was weird." But before he could elaborate, his friend glanced in the rear-view mirror and swore, "She's fucking chasing us! Why'd you always have to say something?" Turning round, he could see that the creature was indeed running towards them, down the middle of the road, completely ignoring all the other traffic braking, horns honking, drivers cursing. His friend sped up, missing their turning to stay on the main road longer and put some distance between themselves and this crazed being. 

Impossibly, it was gaining on them. 

"What the hell? How is she doing that?" the driver asked, glancing repeatedly between the mirror and the road ahead as he swerved to overtake the cars that were sticking to the speed limit. 

"I don't think that's a she," he replied quietly. He watched the creature's dogged pursuit in the wing mirror he'd repositioned, slunk down in his seat. The horrific grin was visible even from this distance and grew ever larger as the creature grew closer. 

"Oh shit!" 

They'd ran a red light, turning a corner too fast and his friend had to slam on the brakes to avoid crashing into stationary traffic. While the driver collected himself, he urged "Get on with it, go that way," pointing through the oncoming cars at a car park some distance ahead.

"I can't go that way, are you crazy?"

But it was too late. While they weren't watching the creature had caught up with them, and the first they knew about it was when it landed heavily on the roof of the car. 

"Oh shit," his friend said again, and desperately started manoeuvring the car to escape the traffic jam, but stopped when the creature's grinning face appeared in the windscreen in front of them. 

The windscreen glass shattered as one arm punched straight through it, and the creature, hanging from the car roof with unnatural flexibility, reached straight through and pulled him from the passenger street onto the bonnet. It jumped down on top of him, cutting short his screams with a second punch that tore through his flesh into his chest. Its hand re-emerged from his torso, dripping in viscera, and the creature mashed the bloody, unidentifiable, organ into its gaping open mouth. 

All the while his friend looked on, unable to hear anything above the sound of his own screaming.

The creature feasted until his friend finally stopped being able to make a sound, his throat red raw, tears streaming down his cheeks, pressed into his seat as far away from the thing as he could make himself. It turned and looked at him unblinkingly, jaw still stretched wide, blood smeared across its face. In a broken, inhuman voice that sounded like nails on a blackboard it said,

"Smile."

Writing Month

 Most years, but not every, when it gets to this time of year I end up thinking about writing and occasionally even do try and start it up again. Like most of my attempts to create a habit around writing this never lasts. But while I've learned over the years I really do not have it in me to write a novel, at least not with my current mindset, I do keep coming back to wanting to write fiction or at least have some sort of creative outlet. Apparently it's good for you or something.

Anyway, NaNoWriMo is wrapped up in yet another controversy, but a friend linked to the fairly bare bones Writing Month website where you can define your own project of a novel, short stories, whatever in terms of words, pages, stories etc per day. So I've set myself the goal of one blog post a day for the month of November, which feels achievable as the post doesn't have to be a set number of words. I may cheat slightly and try and finish a couple of started stories, and some days I may just manage a sentence of two about how my day went. But if I manage to write something, even a few lines, every day, it might help me get back into the habit.