Depression and dissociation

 CW - passive suicidal ideaton

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I've not been having a good time. Good days happen, of course, but there's this undercurrent of just not wanting to have to keep on doing *gestures* all this. I've been coping with that, for varying degrees of coping, by trying to keep busy, keep distracted, numb the feelings at all costs. This includes a lot of comfort eating and sometimes drinking a bit too much wine. 

Yesterday, I admitted to my counsellor that I was missing Jess, and missing her lots more than the previous few months. And I don't know really why she is in my thoughts more at the moment, whether this is because I am struggling or vice versa. I just miss having her around. I want someone to help me with all the practical stuff, I want someone to talk to after a day at work. At night, I wrap the duvet around myself but, whenver I roll over, I adjust it so it's still covering her side of the bed. There's just this gap where she used to be. 

So I've been listening to music and podcasts to try and distract me, but still keep lapsing into fantasy and playing out various scenarios in my head. And I'm aware this is not healthy, and have been trying to take steps to ground myself and practice mindfulness and just...not live in a fantasy world all the time. But that's tough, when reality is so unappealing. I've found myself dissociating more, not to the extent of being completely unaware of my surroundings or anything, but just getting that feeling of detachment from the outside world. Seeing everything softly out-of-focus. Finding it hard to concentrate. Feeling like I'm drifting away from my body. Or when forced to look inside, finding only a void where any sense of self used to live.

I am fine when I'm with people, and actually getting some human interaction. I enjoy my time with friends, and chats with family, and even going into work and just having people around. But whenever I'm by myself, the depression creeps back in. Today has actually been a good day, which is why I felt like I could write this. But I suspect I will still wake up tomorrow and think "another day to get through".