Finding your people

The last time I was refered to the Community Mental Health Team, one of their recommendations was I try reaching out to Kyra, a local charity that provides courses and support for women. I tried, I joined, I did a mindfulness course and do keep looking at the monthly newsletter, thinking I ought to go again, but I didn't feel like I quite fitted there. So many of the other women were struggling to find time for themselves in between work and caring responsibilties, I was struggling to do anything beyond the bare minimum required to survive. They were all so creative, every single one seemed to do some form of crafting. I have two left thumbs. I may go back. I may not.

In theory, the internet is a wonderful way for shy weirdos like me to find like-minded people. It certainly felt that way twenty plus years ago when I first had access, and I lurked on various Usenet newsgroups and discussion forums and even occasionally posted. I did feel like part of something. Now they are largely gone, replaced by various social media platforms and at some point along the way that sense of community vanished too. I stopped commenting on things, because the risk of backlash was too great. There was definitely an element of my social anxiety increasing too. Why the hell would this person who doesn't know me want to hear from me? 

When I first abandoned Twitter for Bluesky, I felt like I'd got some of that early Twitter vibe back - probably because I was following the same people, but I still couldn't bring myself to engage much beyond a "like" and so inevitably it feels a more lonely experience. Still just lurking, not having a conversation but just observing others, it doesn't really feel like I'm involved. And I know that it's on me to change that, but I'm just not sure I know how any more (if I ever did). 

I've come quite late to the various works of John and Hank Green, and while everything points towards Nerdfighteria being a wonderful and welcoming community....I don't feel part of it and more I don't feel like I can be part of it. I don't know why — maybe because I'm new, maybe because I don't know how, maybe just because I'm scared of trying to form new relationships, even behind the safety of a computer screen. That sense of disconnection that just seems to permeate my life at the moment. 

Of course, I have real life friends and acquaintances, people who have accepted me and are friendly despite my chronic shyness. I lurk in real life too, but people seem to be ok with that, and of course it's easier for them to include me when I'm physically than if I'm just a number in a viewer or follower count. I don't think I am as socially isolated as the CMHT seemed to think I was, although I am often lonely. But I do miss the broader sense of community and belonging that I used to get from, say, alt.fan.pratchett.