new year, old me

 It's that time of year again - of looking back and looking forward. And I can't. I just can't.

I've not been doing great at mindfulness, filling the emptiness with podcasts and music instead, but I am still living in the moment insumuch as Now is all that exists for me. This is not all that helpful, actually. As well as not being able to plan ahead more than just saying "yes" when someone else suggests a thing, I don't seem to have done anything. Or maybe I have and I've just forgotten. But I certainly didn't do anything significant last year - no holidays, no larps, no dates, no home improvements. I played some D&D. I went dancing. My son turned 21 and got a family meal only because a good friend stepped in to help book a table. Exercise, eating heathily, not drinking an entire bottle of wine in an evening all, all fell by the wayside. I definitely read some books, and some were good. I wrote some blog posts, and some stories, I'm not sure any of them were good. 

And I can't see this year being any different. Because I can't imagine how I can change for the better. I found it hard enough to look after myself, to try and make our life better when it was me and Jess. Alone? I don't stand a chance. 

I keep thinking back to when she begged me to keep writing, because she wanted to read it, and said she'd do anything to help me find the time. I still didn't. And now, even when I try writing just for me, with no intention of publishing it here or elsewhere, I struggle. Because, what's the point of writing if not for a reader? And the reader I cared most about is gone. 

I still want to finish this short story that's sat in my drafts for a couple of months now. I have a vague idea of how it should go. I have a feeling I want to capture. I just don't think I can do it justice. I don't know who will read it. But I know who won't. So "what's the point?" keeps working it's way into my head and I don't have an answer for that. I never have an answer for that. 

I've probably written more blog posts about not writing than any other subject, it is, of course, my favourite way to procrastinate. So sorry for another one. But this is me now, stuck on repeat.

Motivation

As in, I have none.

School holidays are always hard. As much as I love The Terror, he does sometimes live up to his name, and even when he doesn't I feel guilty about not doing more fun, exciting and educational things with him. All our spare time seems to be spent with me on laptop wasting time, him watching telly or playing games on Wii and when I finally manage to drag myself and him away from our addictions there is usually much whinging. Or he wants me to play with him and I can only handle small amounts of that, not having the energy or the imagination to keep up with a seven year old. While the weather has been great, and we have mostly been managing to get out for a bit every day, when it's too hot we really don't want to stay out long. And I get tired so easily I need to go home and do nothing for a bit.

So mostly the last two weeks have been not going outside enough and not doing enough exercise and eating far too much. Few days around my birthday (yes, I am officially Old now) were good, but exhausting.I have Stuff now, including more books to read than I'll get through in a reasonable time. And chocolate and whisky, which won't help with diet, but makes life a little more pleasurable. But now the time has come to try and get back to a routine and pick up my Wii Fit regime and look more seriously for work and I'm dreading it. Of course, there's only a couple of days and then another long weekend, one in which my SO will be away, so there's little chance I'll really be ready to do anything and I'm not sure what I should do anyway.

Which brings me back to the motivation thing. I occasionally think of things I could do (or "should do", but I'm trying to avoid that) but they just seem to big and scary that I can't even make a start. Trying to concentrate on smaller things that actually might be useful in and of themselves, instead of just the first step on a long journey, but even those seem to fall by the wayside or be too hard. Every day is a battle to actually get myself to do anything without just collapsing into tears from stress. Or sometimes just a battle to not collapse into tears full stop. And yet sometimes, when the pressure is off, I find myself just getting things done and being ok. But only sometimes. And while I occasionally think "I should mention this to the doctor" whenever I get there I either just forget or can't think of the words or am feeling more positive and think I'll be ok or feeling more negative and think that's just the way it's always going to be. I guess it isn't really my GP's job to help me get my act together but then I'm obviously depressed so maybe it is. But the community mental health team made it clear to me last time I was referred there that they considered me "well enough" to get by with self-help. Despite the self-help failing being the reason I was referred there. But that's the NHS for you - desperately underfunded and unable to cope with long-term "mild" mental health problems.

Now I've rambled for a bit and forgotten my point, if I had any. But I suppose I've managed to blog, which is one of the things I keep trying to do and failing. So that's a start.

GM/Life Fatigue

So yeah.Another fortnight and no more gaming write-ups. Maybe I'll feel more up to running next week but I think I'm losing interest in my D&D campaign. It has been 12 levels and things are getting a bit samey. I can't seem to find ways to make fights new and interesting and with certain players' abysmal luck with dice turning things into a grind it's all been feeling a bit "meh". I suppose I should talk it over more with the other players, but wondering if taking a break and playing something different for a while might be good. Although I'm not sure if I could run another game right now. I still have a (mostly mental) list of ideas for campaigns and one-shots but I doubt I'd get very far prepping them.

See, it's not just D&D I've been getting bored with. It's just about everything. I have to force myself to pick up a book to read. Life's being a bit of a drag. Sure, some bits are good - I have a laugh with the Terror, or a nice night in with J, friends, playing games, drinking cider, watching Spaced, whatever. But it all fades away and I go to bed tired and don't quite fall asleep or wake up several times in the night and realise that the next day is going to be another whole load of housework and killing time.

Tempting to say it would be better if I got a job (or failing that, volunteer work) but I suspect I'd just end up dreading that as "yet another thing" to be tolerated. I just can't seem to shake this negative mindset. And yes, I know the reason I'm like this is "I'm depressed" but that doesn't make it much easier to live with. The meds help me get out of bed in the morning and mean I maybe only cry once or twice a week instead of once or twice a day, and I am so far managing to get a modicum of exercise/outsideyness a day but I still need "a project" to focus on. I think. But whenever I start one, I get bored within a few days and once I get bored I start hating to have to do things. And with housework and exercise and job hunting I can just ignore the hating it and think "but I have to", that's not so easy with stuff that's supposed to be enjoyable like gaming or reading or writing.

But hey, I cope. I'm mostly slacking off and watching TV/DVDs/iPlayer once housework is finished. Forcing myself to find things I might vaguely find interesting or funny and carrying on reading my way through our collection of Mage: the Ascension books. I'll live. At some point I'll have to stop slacking off and get a job or something but I'll worry about that when I get there.

Apathy

I'm a bit behind on my gaming posts, got another one for the primal campaign and n more to catch up on my campaign's history. But I just can't be bothered these days. Not that I've got better things to do mind. Just summer holidays/job hunting/general life getting in the way and tiring me out.

So, um, yeah. Just to say I'm not dead I guess, just bored and apathetic and unmotivated to blog about anything other than why I'm not blogging. Go figure.

A big ball of "meh"

[Warning - the following should be taken with a pinch of salt as I'm depressed and missed my meds last night.]

Yesterday I had vague plans about writing here about my game, but then I kind of screwed up and lost all enthusiasm for it, and for writing. I don't really know what I'm doing here - I think this whinging on the internet is similar to when I hung around in the maths department crying: a pathetic attempt to get people to notice me and maybe help or at least pay attention to me. I should stop. Even if I somehow managed to come up with a blog people actually wanted to read and enjoyed I'm not sure that's any better. It's all ultimately about attention-seeking and I really should be concentrating on surviving.

Not that I know why that's so hard. It's not like my parents have died, or I get random abuse shouted at me whenever I step outside. But everything seems to require so much effort and I'm tired all the time and I don't know what to do about any of it but just keep on plodding on. I've pretty much given up hoping things will improve. Maybe they will or maybe they won't. I have to cope either way.

Doctor's appointment tomorrow and I have no clue what to say. Don't know if meds are helping or not. Don't really know what I want them to help with. People have suggested counselling and it may be worth a go, but I keep failing to enquire about it because I'm shy and don't know what to say, even via email. And if I go, well....I'm shy and I won't know what to say. I just feel like giving up. I failed to get the comics I wanted today because the shop hadn't put them out yet, or they hadn't come yet, or they'd sold out already - I don't know because I'm too shy to ask. The idea that I might be able to get a job is just laughable but I have to try because, well, I "have" to. I "have" to do housework, which I don't want to do, because it needs to be done. I have to go fetch my son and feed him and find him things to do, because I have at least some shred of responsibility in me and I'm not quite prepared to wallow in self-pity to the extent of letting him suffer. I'm not sure what else I can do, though. I don't really want to do anything. I have nothing to aim for, no clue of what I might enjoy. I have a new D&D book I don't feel like reading right now and even a Cadbury's Creme Egg I don't feel like eating. I don't want to have to be strong and supportive because other people need me, and I don't want to keep saying I'll be ok when I feel anything but, and I don't want to keep making excuses for my feelings because "I'm depressed" or "it's the meds" or whatever the reason is doesn't matter: it doesn't change how I feel right now.

Rambling, yes, crying, just about, coping? Fat chance. But I'll live. Or at least, I'll continue to exist. It doesn't feel like living, but maybe tomorrow it will.

Motivation-less

Everything seems to take much longer than it ought to. It took three or four times of thinking "I should get out of the bath now" before i actually managed to make myself move. Got dressed, after lying on bed for a bit. Ate breakfast and felt much better for a bit, but then decided it was work time and all the energy left me again.

I was actually looking forward to relearning some maths, but now I can't concentrate on it at all and can barely keep my head up. I don't feel sleepy, or tired, I just want to lie down with my eyes closed and not think about anything. Even typing this seems like too much effort to be worth it, and I keep stopping and starting.

A walk to the shop might do me good and count as "useful" - being outside and getting exercise are what I'm supposed to do. But the temptation to stuff my face with chocolate might be too much. I know I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. Eat and sleep and nothing else. But of course I have do other things. I have a family, a house; people I don't want worrying about me; corrections to finish, and they're so nearly finished, it's nearly all done and then I can pat myself on the back and call myself Doctor. I have stuff to read, stuff to do for my game. And I think part of me still does care about all these things, but I still can't quite bring myself to get on with something. Not yet. Need to fight the apathy, build up a reserve of willpower and then go for it.

I'm sure it shouldn't be this hard.

First Ramblings of the New Year

And they will be rambly.

Didn't sleep. Not much at all. So much for saying to the doctor that it seemed to be settling down. Decided to stick with meds after all, see if there's any improvement but if this carries on I'll go from being permanently apathetic and uninterested in doing anything to permanently tired and unable to do anything. Not sure which is worse.

This year it has mostly been snowing. This satellite picture from yesterday illustrates the point perfectly. Put off going up to visit my family until this Sunday but I doubt we'll be able to make it even then. Christmas presents are going to be even later then. The Terror was late back to school as while they were officially open for first day of term, no-one turned up. Or not enough staff to have a full school day anyway. Been a nervous wait for me each morning, sending them off on a bike in the snow. But I've been generally nervous and tense and just trying to get things done even though the apathy is still largely there.

Failed to run my game on Wednesday due to dearth of ideas. Fortunately my beloved stepped in we finally had another session of hir Primal only 4th ed game, which was fun. Sure was nice to relax and be able to play again. Not sure what's happening next week - might take a vote or see who comes up with ideas first. I had a couple the following day, my creative juices are not totally frozen, just a bit slushy. Brain death today though, but then as I mentioned above I didn't really sleep. Until nearly getting up time of course, so everyone was running late.

Not sure what else I've done that's worthy of comment. We made a snowman of course. You have to do that at least once. Read Unseen Academicals - good, not his best but still good. Played Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot for third and fourth time ever. I won the second time. It's a bit random and I can see why some people hate it for that, but I think it's fun. Maybe just because it involves killing bunnies. Meh, think that's it.

Time to stop caring and do another blog post

It probably won't be any good. Not least because I drank too much cider last night and am feeling rather ill this morning. Despite having got up at half seven, I'm only just starting to wake up now, at gone ten. Was a good night though, usual suspects plus one for booze and games. I don't think I did or said anything stupid, which is always a bonus, and hopefully didn't bore people too much. I do talk utter garbage when I've been drinking.

Nearly Christmas and shopping for presents is just about done. Need to get a few more for the boy, have given up trying to think of something else for SO. Another week of school and then trying to arrange times to visit friends and family for catching up and exchanging presents. I'm deliberately trying not to stress about it all too much and mostly succeeding. That'll be the apathy showing through then.

Back on antidepressants after visit to doctor. Last few weeks have just been getting worse and worse: even when I've not been actually reduced to tears, I've just been sitting around bored and unable to motivate myself to do anything. Just a general feeling of despair that this (housework, tv, game being highlight of the week) is going to be the rest of my life, along with the usual lack of confidence in myself to do anything better. Oh and the crush thing. Breaking my heart on a daily basis. No amount of telling myself not to be stupid will make it go away, but that doesn't stop me from trying. Bah. Stupid emotions. Making life complicated. Suppose I can only hope that the meds help enough for me to find motivation to do things and slowly sort stuff out. Of course, with me being depressed, hope is pretty hard to find, but I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

So there, a blog post. Sure I had more to say. Will probably regret saying what I have. But this time I'm not going to delete it, I'm going to publish it. Like so.

Just Another Blog Post

It's been a while. So, what have I been up to? Um...not much really. Apart from the usual moping around, not doing enough housework and whinging about it all on Twitter.

A Situation has cropped up which is currently making our social life both a bit more packed and slightly more awkward to arrange. It involves one close friend being pretty depressed and torn-up and another being bouncing-off-the-roof happy, so for us stuck in the middle its a very mixed feeling. Trying not to worry too much about the first one and mostly succeeding - seems I'm too selfish to fret about another person's feelings for too long. Got enough of my own to put up with. Stupid feelings.

Finally got round to reading Making Money. It's good. (This is why I don't try and write reviews....) Also read Locke & Key: Crown of Shadows #1 - I've pretty much given up buying comics monthly due to money issues, but Locke & Key, along with X-Factor is something I can't wait for. Wondering whether to keep going with my subscription to New Scientist as I often end up reading the articles online before I even get round to breaking it out of the wrapping. Would be greener and save me money, but I'm ridiculously old-fashioned and prefer reading hard copies. And I like my money going towards the publication/production of things I enjoy. I think I'd rather drop the Radio Times, but we actually use that. Sometimes.

What else? Oh, I'm addicted to Drench, probably because its the only game I've found in a long time that doesn't frustrate me (as I suspect sometimes it's just impossible, so it's not my fault if I fail). A friend linked to this site, so I spent too much time yesterday thinking about gender and sexual identity again, trying to figure out who/what/why I am. (Conclusion: I don't know! Does it matter?) On a not-really-related topic, I finally found and started reading GeekDad and wondered why it had taken me so long. I've all but given up on writing that blog post explaining my work - it just suddenly seems like too much effort for not enough gain, and I don't know how much I can explain without it getting boring or too complicated. PLUS I'm probably oversimplifying for those of you who might actually be interested in the maths. So, yeah. Maybe one day, but not anytime soon.

And on the subject of writing, Chuck Wendig (yes, him again) has a whole host of tips on writing (including the wonderful "How (Not) To Create Characters") which I make the mistake of reading, which makes me want to start writing again. By which I mean it again makes me want to start writing - I don't think I've ever really had a sustained period wherein I actually wrote. I've always been more of a wannabe than an actual writer: I like the idea of writing more than the actual doing. I realise I'm hardly unique in this matter. But I lack enough hobbies (it seems) so my mind keeps going back to it. However, these days I don't even get the ideas (or if I do I quickly forget or try and work them into my current game). The last couple of snippets of fiction I wrote (and posted here) weren't really stories, they were yet more of me trying to explain how I feel and wrapping it up in lies and fantasies to protect it against outside interference (the "it's only a story" defence). And I don't think I can really write about, well, me: my life, my current crush, my friends. Not without upsetting people anyway! And not without me spending even more time thinking about things I don't really want to think about. I want a distraction from all that, but it clutters up my thoughts so much I can't seem to break free.

I've spent too long writing this, too. I've been moaning about having a bit of a cold, but I seem to be better now than last night so really should stop lounging around and get on with that damned housework.

Emo

I appear to be in a big "what's the point of it all" phase. Really would have thought I'd have grown out of that by now, but no. Seems growing out of things is all a big lie.

So, yeah, I know - "the little things". I'm trying to enjoy or at least do things and keep myself busy in the hope the black dog gets bored and wanders off but it doesn't seem to last and with the ongoing imagination failure I've been having too it's been getting harder and harder to think of new distractions. With my SO being stressed and similarly struggling to keep hir head above water, and this week being half term and thus having a six-year-old to entertain, somehow, I've pretty much failed to keep up the pretence of being ok. Or, at least, am in the process of failing.

Hence this blog post is here to serve simply as an apology: should I inflict my miserable self-pitying wailing on you IRL or via Twitter, I'm sorry. Hopefully it's just a blip and I'll certainly feel ashamed of myself later.

Lost

In meaning, if not time and space.

Still working on that "more about my work" post. Pictures being a problem. I'm terrible at pictures. Even ones with just straight lines in them. It's this computer malarky - I'm just not that great with technology. Doors for example. Doors give me great trouble, especially car doors.....

I digress.

Lost. Yeah, I still feel fairly lost. Within spitting distance of actually submitting, which isn't quite the end of it but is a huge hurdle. Still no idea what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Being a housewife hardly suits me, I'm rubbish at it. I've tried very hard to do housework properly but I mostly end up giving in and just doing the bare minimum to get by. Too lazy. And I get so bored and lonely. I suppose there's people I could talk to via internets but most of them are busy, and the ones who aren't I don't know that well and wouldn't know what to say. Not that I know what to say to the people I know well either mind. I'm pretty rubbish at small talk that isn't just surreal rambling. Fortunately, some people like that. Or they're just being very polite.

Was there a point to all this? Probably not. I just felt the need to write something to distract from my failure to write what I intended to. Inside I'm just a bundle of emotional turmoil and slowly coming to the conclusion that I'm not reacting the way I expected to because, shock, horror, I might actually be growing up. Or possibly I just don't care anymore. Which may or may not be the same thing. Either way, I'm not sure it's a good thing.

I hope that doesn't make any sense. I probably need to be more subtle in future.

Um...so not much has actually been happening lately and I'm sorry for wasting your time with this no-content post. Assuming you've actually read all this. If you skipped to the end, don't bother going back and starting from the beginning, m'kay?