Trans Talk

This is a transcript of the talk I gave, today, at the YUSU LGBT "What Is Trans?" event, with partner's name redacted. The first time in years I've spoken in public without panicking or bursting into tears.

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I'd known my partner J about five years before she first told me she thought there was a part of her that was female. That's probably not quite how she phrased it at the time as she really struggled to put into words the thoughts and feelings she had but that was the overall impression I was left with. She was relieved I didn't think she was crazy and wasn't going to leave her and I was confused why it should be an issue. I couldn't see how it would affect our lives at all and anyway it kind of made sense. We'd always joked about how she was more girly than me, and that we got the gender roles the wrong way round. And at first nothing did change - she tried on some of my clothes occasionally and we kept it between ourselves. Our son thought it was silly that daddy should wear a skirt sometimes, but after a while just accepted it. But the pressures of life and having to maintain a male front for family and the public meant that after a time it became less frequent and almost forgotten, at least by me. About a year later, she decided to try it again and this time told some close friends. By then she'd read more and found other people online who had similarly fluctuating feelings of gender - sometimes male, sometimes female - and settled on the description of "bi-gender": that is, both male and female. So she asked to be called by a girl's name and referred to by female pronouns, at least in private, and took to wearing skirts and girly tops around the house more. Eventually she decided she needed to choose a new name, one that was gender neutral, rather than splitting herself between two personas, and settled on J. That caused some problems, as trying to explain to people why she wanted to change her name without outing her led largely to handwaving and muttering about "likes the name better". And I suppose that was the start of her public transition, as not long after that she came out to people at university and was overwhelmed by how accepting everyone was.

I should be honest here and admit that I didn't accept all this as calmly and rationally as I may be making out. I did have worries, and fears, especially early on when J was still struggling to figure out who or what she was. I felt a kind of loss for the man I had fallen in love with, and was afraid of what our future might be like if she was transsexual. How would the family react? How would we be treated by others? What impact would it have on our son, our plans for future children, our sex life? I mourned for a while for the loss of a "normal" family life that we would likely never have. But even at the time I recognised how irrational those thoughts were - we were never a normal family. She was fundamentally the same person I'd known and loved for years, just expressing a facet of her personality that had been repressed for too long. And not once did I think of leaving her, or that transitioning would be the wrong thing to do if it made her happier and more comfortable with herself. So by the time it came to tell family and the wider world, I was completely supportive of J and so unconditionally accepting of her gender that I forgot that this was all news to them and I found myself trying to explain something I couldn't really explain. Gender is not something I really understand and it just seems so obvious to me that a person is the gender they say they are and no-one else has the right to question that. After all, each of us is the only person that really knows what it feels like to be ourselves. But others have their own view of people and it can, admittedly, be difficult to shift that initial label of "male" or "female", especially when someone is filling a gender-specific role such as "daddy". So I suspect a lot of people subconsciously pigeonholed J as "a man who crossdresses" and largely carried on referring to her as "he". And while at first J was largely happy to use either set of gender-specific pronouns, over time it became obvious she mostly preferred female ones.

Indeed, as time went on, and she became bolder at dressing more effeminately more of the time, she found she was only reverting to what we came to refer to as "boy mode" when she felt she needed to to avoid attention in public or to present as more male for the family. And I became more used to thinking of her as a woman, and she felt more like a woman who is a bit boyish rather than a man who is a bit girly. So when it came to legally changing her name, she went for an overtly feminine one, although she still mostly goes by J. And despite this my family continue to refer to her as "he" and our son still calls her "daddy" and "he" and sometimes it's hard not to fall into the habit of copying them. I certainly don't feel able to correct them, although maybe with time they'll come round.

I haven't mentioned doctors at all yet, and that's because most of this happened without any input from them. Referrals from the GP got lost twice and a psychologist dragged out their consultations and insulted her before grudgingly allowing her to see a psychiatrist who could declare her mentally competent enough to be put on the waiting list for Leeds Gender Identity Clinic. It's easy to see why so many people end up seeking treatment privately or through less orthodox channels. But we haven't given up on the NHS yet, and despite my growing skepticism we will just have to wait and see what they can do. And no doubt there will be many more obstacles in the future. University is possibly an unusually safe and accepting environment, but she's nearly finished her degree and may well have to seek work in the wider world. I'd like to think that she can avoid discrimination and that potential employers will just accept her as she is, without any fuss, but I know it is far from a given. Every time we are out together and she grips my hand a little tighter in response to stares, I am reminded that I can't protect her from unthinking strangers who don't know how to deal with someone who defies their expectations. All I can do is stand by her, support her, and let her know she doesn't have to go through this alone.