It took me several years to admit I actually liked larp

 I said those words (or a version of them) the other night and as my next booked larp event draws closer the brain gremlins have gone on the attack again. Historically, I definitely mostly enjoyed myself whenever I went. There are lots of people I only ever see there (and on Facebook) and I miss them. I like visiting that other world and taking a break from this one, and coming back with stories of some of the ludicrous things people did or said. 

But what do I actually do there, and how much different is it going to be without Jess? 

This might be why I'm repeatedly putting off actually making arrangements to get there. It would be much easier to stay at home and feel like I'm missing out, than cope with all the hassle and possible feeling of extreme loneliness once I get there. 

And it's not like I think I'm actually any good at any of it. I certainly can't do any of the elaborate costumes some do - just don't have the makeup/craft skills or even the right sort of eye to buy elements to put together. I'm still as shy as ever, not really that great at staying in character, can't fight for toffee, can't sing or play an instrument...I just turn up, drink some drinks, listen to other people chat, and hopefully say the right words for the right length of time to be useful without needing too much healing myself. 

But then I have the same sort of reservations about tabletop RPGs. Despite GMing for well over a decade, I don't think I'm any good at it. I certainly struggle with plotting, preparing ahead of time in sufficient detail, and my descriptions are vague. As my son will quickly tell you, I tend to spend a lot of time "um"ing and "er"ing and trailing off sentences....And on the rare occasion I get to play, I suffer a lack of imagination with character creation and actually proactively doing things instead of reacting to situations. And we play D&D pretty much exclusively because while I'm ok learning a new system, teaching one is a whole other kettle of fish. But I still have a (mostly) regular game and people seem to like it? So maybe I'm not that bad.

And of course, there's my new hobby. I would, charitably, call myself "a bit of a klutz", but thanks to a couple of taster sessions from an enthusiastic colleague, and an offer of a regular lift, I started going to Ceroc lessons a while back. I...am not terrible? I may even be good? I certainly picked it up faster than I thought I would, and even manage polite conversation most weeks. Contrary to many years of asserting otherwise, it seems I can dance even when sober, even if I still laugh to myself every time at being one of the "ladies". But I think learning to lead is many years of practice off in the future.

So, I guess I do like larp, I like GMing and I like dancing. It doesn't actually matter how "good" I am at any of them. I just need to keep going. 

"A named thing is a tamed thing"

 Limerence

I don't know when I first came across the word, but I was re-introduced to it recently and this time I read more and absorbed more and something finally clicked. 

I wasn't crazy.

Since about age thirteen or so, I've been plagued by persistent, all-consuming, crushes. They were torturous, heart-breaking. When I was younger, of course I knew I wasn't going to "grow out of it" - I was in love. Even when I knew there was no realistic chance of a relationship. It drove me mad. As I got older, I naively assumed they would stop when I finally fell "in love" properly, and was in a happy relationship.

They didn't. 

Which just added an extra layer of guilt to the already heady mix of emotions. Jess was, of course, very understanding, and I gradually learned to accept that I wasn't a terrible person for feeling these things that I had no control over. But not having control over feelings is one thing, not being able to control my fantasies, not being able to resist checking social media or looking at photos - those are definitely things I should be able to avoid doing, right? I'm just weak. Or selfish. I can't really overemphasise how much of a mindf**k it is to want something so much while simultaneously knowing it would be terrible in reality and probably ruin several people's lives.

Eventually, repeated desperate googling led me to discover there was a word for what I felt, a specific one, not "love" not simply a "crush" but something else. And more importantly, it wasn't just me. Other people felt this way. Enough that a word had been created specifically to describe this feeling that I'd so struggled to adequately explain to everyone before. 

Ok, it's not much of a relief to realise you're not the only idiot that keeps feeling this way, but it did mean I had a different way of framing my feelings. I wasn't repeatedly "falling in love". I was just "limerent". I wasn't betraying Jess in some deep emotional way, it was just brain chemistry. 

And brain chemistry can be fixed, right?

Unfortunately,  the blog title is a lie. Naming something and taming it are two whole different things. It's nice to think that just because I know it's essentially an addiction I'd be able to get a handle on it, but addictions are hard to break for a reason. And the most obvious thing to try, complete avoidance, just isn't always possible. Sure, for one person, maybe you can just cut them out of your life and hope you eventually stop thinking about them. Maybe. But if I don't know who the next object of infatuation will be? Do I avoid all people? Or even just avoid feelings of attraction? How is that supposed to work?

It can't, of couse. Unless maybe I became a hermit or so super-practiced at mindfulness that all emotions just wash over me without catching on. But I can set boundaries. I can keep plugging away at trying to improve my overall mental health. 

And, I suppose, I can try counselling and try actually being honest about how much this bothers me, insead of just shying away from the subject because I'm 41 and really should have grown out of this bby now.

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(Title quote from Joanne Harris - Runemarks)