Midweek update - seen the shrink

Last few days have teetered between being ridiculously happy and terrified and depressed. So on to today and my first meeting with the psychiatrist.

It was....difficult. Of course. I could hardly answer her questions and she has a quite a direct and almost confrontational manner. I suspect that would have changed if I hadn't responded to it by trying to defend myself. But I can understand how she got a little irritated when all I can answer is "Sometimes", "I don't know" and "I can't remember". At one point I foolishly lied to cover up a possible mistake on my part (although it turned out it wasn't my fault I hadn't been informed) and claimed to have reduced my medication when I couldn't remember being told to. Eventually I confessed because my claims of not remembering seeing my GP or what he said weren't exactly standing up to scrutiny mainly because I haven't seen him in months. So I'm starting to reduce my dosage from tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember!

Eventually we established that there are things I enjoy and I can talk fluently sometimes and I tried to explain that it was when I was trying to think what to say in advance that I tended up clam up because I try and think of the best thing to say instead of just talking. When I disengage brain and engage my mouth, I can talk fluently, otherwise it's a real struggle. It's a similar thing with writing as well, although it can be difficult to communicate a specific idea.

So should be seeing her again in four weeks or so. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared and more able to stop myself giving trite answers.