Thursday, January 24, 2008

Been ill last few days. Monday was ok - even got up on time and just about coped all day. Then cough/cold/flu struck and I've been down ever since. Daddy been good at looking after the Terror who has suffered a bit, but still has more energy than the two of us together (oh to be four again!).

Today was....stressful and involved much tears. This afternoon we had our followup appointment with the CPN which basically amounted to a whole lot of nothing. They gave a lot of good sound advice - try and set small manageable goals, plan how to use my time in advance, try expanding my horizons - but it's nothing I haven't heard and tried before. It appears they have no more help they can offer us - which led to me breaking down then and there and then recovering and deciding there was little more to be said. It seems it's just the two of us again. The fact that I/we were barely coping seems to have been totally overlooked. I've worked through some anger this afternoon and I feel Daddy will be practicing some letter writing, but we've resolved to just keep trying (and use their suggestions of course, it's not their fault it's failed in the past. Obviously I haven't been trying hard enough.) and I'll have a good whinge at my GP when I go to sort out the medication angle as they had nothing to say about that at all.

I'm trying not to take it out on the CPN and COT - they were just doing their job after all. The psychiatrist I have a fairly low opinion of after our interview anyway and if I ever do get referred again I'll be sure to avoid her. Thankfully our GPs are a bit more sympathetic. I'm also trying not to blame myself for not coming across "ill" enough - I was trying to be honest and I really would have thought the sheer difficulty I had talking to them would be an indicator of real problems but it appears they were more concerned about the Terror (which I can understand - but if I go nuts and kill myself, what'll happen to him then?).

Just....keep on trying. And hope things improve. I wasn't expecting a magic pill but I was hoping for a bit more help (for my beloved partner too - it's hell on him having to look after me when I'm at my worst). I'll know better next time.

"It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst."
"You see, that way, I'm never disappointed. You know, sometimes I'm nicely surprised."
-- Gil Grissom and Catherine Willows (To Halve and to Hold)

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