..and what have you done?

Sunday: Despite my best efforts to remian calm and not panic about packing to go away for a measly five days I broke down and Daddy had to do it all again. Good start. Drive was as dull as expected and the Terror behaved reasonably well. Of course he was up late all through the week with the excitement as much as anything else.

Monday: Christmas Eve and um, yeah. Got up late, had brunch at the Ferry Cafe and dozed most of afternoon I think. It was a very lazy week really. Went to Great Grannie's in the evening just to say merry Christmas and exchange presents with her and G'dad. She gave us stollen, so that was a highlight of the week (if not month!).

Christmas Day: Much happy present unwrapping. Santa and everyone else got beaten to Best Present by a friend of Nana's who'd found a fantastic ten-pin bowling game - it's got a snack mechanism to load the pins and little figure with spring-loaded bowling action and it rocks! Daddy was pleased to punch with his presents from me thankfully, and the wonderful man not only got me The Goonies and Hot Fuzz on DVD, but a roleplaying book on sale I'd been meaning to get for a while (The Book of Eldritch Might) and V for Vendetta! He is simply amazing and far too good for me.
Afternoon was spent playing with the Terror's toys and watching all the good stuff on TV. And M*A*S*H* while Eastenders was on. Doctor Who was pretty good as always, and kept the whole family quiet and entertained. So all in all, not a bad day.

Boxing Day: Apparently there was a morning. Daddy and the Terror had big long walk and much fun playing on the beach throwing stones into the sea. I got woken up at 1pm, just in time for lunch and then we went to the Panto (Aladdin). Wasn't sure how the little one would take it but he was very good and sat watching for lots of it. He talked about it quite a bit afterwards so it must have made an impression.

Thursday: We actually made it into town and bought a new game for the Wii (which we had taken down to show Nana but neglected to bring any games for - oops!) - Mario Party 8. S'ok, not that I had much chance to have a go. Another ok and very lazy day, with much cider and more Christmas pudding and brandy butter. So that was ok.

Friday: Somehow managed to pack and exhausting drive back for Daddy. Probably should have been helping settle the Terror instead of writing this but thought I'd get it down before I forgot even more.

I've been oversleeping and while the drugs are possibly slightly to blame it's also been sheer laziness on my part. Must try much harder. Down to the 20mg dosage now so not too suprised that the depressed feelings have been getting worse. Missing ACL already, which is just plain daft. Finally got myself out of bed this morning by repeating over and over to myself "Suffering is caused by our selfish desire for happiness". Maybe if I can get that mantra going every time I think of him or anything else that distracts me from my duty that might help. It gives me something to focus on that doesn't have a soppy fairy tale happy ending anyway.

At some point this weekend we need to visit Durham to see the over half of the family and friends. Just seems to be non-stop at this time of year.

And so it is Christmas...

..or very nearly at least. Another tearful week, the blame for which is now squarely on the lower dose's shoulders. Half week for the Terror's nursery so the last two and a half days have been very tiring - too cold to go out for very long as well.

Read some good stuff - Order of the Stick's prequel On the Origin of PCs was especially good. Otherwise, much playing on the Wii - Daddy is now the undisputed champ of Wii Sports Bowling and I'm back to my usual tricks of sucking at all computer games. Ah well.

It was also the last week of chances to see ACL and I think I did ok at saying goodbye to him. Night out in the pub last night was great fun and so I'm in my usual post-drinking Zen-like state today. Things will be ok, in the end. I've just got to not care so much. I'll miss him, I'm sure. But life trudges on.

Tomorrow we head South for Christmas with Nana, during which time I'll be mostly offline so have to try and get my internet fix today. If I've forgotten to do or buy something it's probably too late now. Still have to wrap most of the presents and get some packing done today to avoid the panic tomorrow morning, but Daddy is so much better at coping with these things than me that I'll probably leave it all up to him! Again, I just need to let go and not care so much. It's not like it really matters.

Wii Three

On Thursday on our usual trip into town (Thursday being comics day of course!) we wandered into the Store Formerly Known As Virgin and asked if they had any Wiis. We picked Daddy off the floor when they said yes and quickly bought one along with three games (Tomb Raider, Mama Coooking and Big Brain Academy). The last few days have necessarily included much Wii Sports Bowling for the Terror although he seems to be losing his knack (or just getting bored more easily) while I'm getting better and better. No doubt Daddy will hit his stride and start beating me and I'll give up on computer games again. But until then...

I've been very teary the last few days, although whether this is due to being on only 40mg of citalopram or it being that time of the month is impossible to tell. Yesterday was the annual "mulled wine and mince pies" in the office and I quickly became depressed at my inability to join in the chitchat and ended up sitting in a corner wiping tears away, worrying a couple of people no doubt. Today's been a drag as well and I barely feel like doing anything, least of all anything that needs to be done like play with the Terror. Although I have just done the washing up. Mostly.

Tomorrow evening is a leaving do for one of the professors who is disappearing back to Durham in the New Year. Hopefully that'll be fun, and I can avoid becoming too maudlin.

Midweek update - seen the shrink

Last few days have teetered between being ridiculously happy and terrified and depressed. So on to today and my first meeting with the psychiatrist.

It was....difficult. Of course. I could hardly answer her questions and she has a quite a direct and almost confrontational manner. I suspect that would have changed if I hadn't responded to it by trying to defend myself. But I can understand how she got a little irritated when all I can answer is "Sometimes", "I don't know" and "I can't remember". At one point I foolishly lied to cover up a possible mistake on my part (although it turned out it wasn't my fault I hadn't been informed) and claimed to have reduced my medication when I couldn't remember being told to. Eventually I confessed because my claims of not remembering seeing my GP or what he said weren't exactly standing up to scrutiny mainly because I haven't seen him in months. So I'm starting to reduce my dosage from tomorrow. Hopefully I'll remember!

Eventually we established that there are things I enjoy and I can talk fluently sometimes and I tried to explain that it was when I was trying to think what to say in advance that I tended up clam up because I try and think of the best thing to say instead of just talking. When I disengage brain and engage my mouth, I can talk fluently, otherwise it's a real struggle. It's a similar thing with writing as well, although it can be difficult to communicate a specific idea.

So should be seeing her again in four weeks or so. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared and more able to stop myself giving trite answers.

Colds, Wiis and Happiness

Been ill last couple of weeks. Depressed, natch, but trying to struggle on by. Today took an unexpected upturn, then followed by a party with wine and Christmas pudding means I'm pretty much happy right now. And slightly tipsy too.

Last weekend, the Terror showed prodigious skill at Wii Sports Bowling while round with Daddy at a friend's house. Naturally this means we need to get one. Here's hoping we can find one - before Christmas? Seems a bit optimistic. As our faithful PS2 has given up the ghost, we have room for another games console I suppose, but first and foremost we had to get a new DVD player. Suprisingly cheap these days, although we missed the special offer at Argos to get one for £10.

And at the party this evening, friend brought Wii around and of course Myrddin demanded much Bowling. I had a go and did stupid well - partly beginner's luck and partly because it's so much easier than real bowling! You don't have to walk and bend your knees to get down and you don't need to swing it round your hip thereby putting too much spin on it - it's great! But Myrddin and another guest mostly stole the show. Daddy did ok too, and won one game. I'm sold - we're getting one.

And yes, I am feeling rather happy today. Not just the wine, more a general relaxation and acceptance of the way things are. Hopefully I can keep this up.

Pub!

Another week of not much. Slight panic mid-week when it transpired I really needed something of a timetable attached to my thesis plan for the upgrade paperwork, but once I'd cried a bit over that (and eaten a cookie) I managed to dredge up my supervisor's comments about how things should progress. So I should have a rought draft in July. Ha!

I attempted coffee time twice this week. Mostly didn't cry afterwards. A Certain Lecturer (ACL) was there and I didn't hassle him and I think I'm just about getting the hang of pretending I can carry on living without him, which is good as it's only a few weeks until he leaves. Also managed the pub this evening - was very pleasant and even stayed for a soft drink after ACL had left. See, I can manage this socialising malarky.

Terror has been...terrible this week. Still in a very whingy mood and fighting me every step of the way. Time out twice this morning, both times for running around and climbing on sofa/me when I told him not to (and for grabbing his sweets and refusing to hand them over at lunchtime). He's also had his moments of cuteness - like waking me up this morning by shoving his cd player in my face and telling me it wasn't working (he hadn't put the cd in properly so it wasn't registering a disc). He then quite happily `danced' along to the music - Dan Zanes and Friends' Catch That Train - while I was getting dressed. (Thanks to TomB for the present of that album - Daddy is a huge fan too!)

Also, Daddy saw doctor for his low moods and is also on citalopram. It's the antidepressant of choice at the moment it seems. Hopefully it'll help him more than it's helping me - although I do seem to be getting a little better. Maybe because I'm concentrating on just keeping on going. As tempting as running away from life is, I have a moral obligation to keep trying to cope. And currently, that seems to be enough to see me over each obstacle.

But I am going to miss ACL when he goes. Another reason I'm not looking forward to Christmas.

Marking marking everywhere

That's pretty much what last week was spent doing, apart from being depressed. And today - more marking! Hopefully I'll get a couple of days break after this though. I might even be able to do some "proper" work.

We went to my parents' for the weekend. It appears we forgot to tell any of our friends we were going though. Oops. Sorry for getting you worried. Had a nice enough time - the Terror loves his Grandma and Granddad so was in his element and we got some break from having to play with him all the time.

We even got to go out! On Saturday night we went into Durham and saw Beowulf. It was pretty damn good, despite the "dead eyes" effect you get with this style of animation. Also, the shots that are meant for 3D look a little....strange... when viewed in 2D but I'm not going to complain (it's not like I'd benefit from the 3D version anyway!). And Ray Winstone...is pretty good, but dear Odin - Cockney Beowulf?! The audience was in stitches whenever he said, "I've come to kill your MONSTA!" (Also, the young Beowulf looked so like Sean Bean you can't help wondering if Zemeckis really wanted him in the role instead.)

There were a few other unintentially funny bits, but really that just adds to the enjoyment of the film. In my eyes anyway, YMMV of course. But a film co-written by Neil Gaiman can't be bad. Especially if it has a mostly naked Angelina Jolie in it. Which brings me neatly to the other big problem with the film - the certificate. What were the BBFC thinking? 12A?! The violence and bawdy language might just about be acceptable in a 12, but who in their right mind would take a younger child...I imagine quite a few complaints will come from those not checking the film out fully first. Maybe I'm becoming a prude in my old age....

Bleugh

Just about sums up my week. Occasional high-points - got marking finished within a couple of days. Last night was good because a friend offered to babysit so we did our usual "dinner at Bella Italia then pub" night out. Was fun and didn't eat or drink too much. But the rest of the time was spent being depressed. And thus getting lots of people worried.

And now I'm hiding upstairs on the computer again instead of interacting with my family. Not the best start to the weekend really.

Why do I bother?

I mean seriously. Why? Why get up each day and try and put a smile on my face and drag myself through the motions? Does it really benefit anyone? I've had enough frankly. I can't be bothered anymore.

Pain!

Well, only a bit.

Wednesday I had my bottom right wisdom tooth out. Coped remarkably well if I do say so myself, helped slightly by the dentist being very nice and rather cute. Hasn't been too bad since but I've swollen up like a hamster making eating somewhat difficult. This was after all three of us had started to recover from colds, so this week has been fun-filled. If sitting around feeling not-very-well is your idea of fun, that is.

Been staving off depression fairly well until today. Oversleeping but that's only to be expected really. Today was...a struggle. The Terror's in a whiney mood again and I really didn't have the patience for it. Got letter back from Community Mental Health Team - being referred as outpatient to a psychiatrist and our former health visitor will be getting in touch for help and support with the Terror. I can't complain really as I'd expressed fears of not being able to cope, and the woman in question is very nice indeed, but....I know what I ought to be doing with him, it's just so hard to actually motivate myself. We'll see. Could be seeing the psychiatrist will also just end up being another chore and another thing to dread and wish I didn't have to deal with. Or not. We'll see.

Having got tea from the chippy this evening I nipped into the corner shop to get a couple of cans of Scrumpy Jack. Hubby still has plenty of beer left over from last weekend when he apparently didn't drink any of his own. Was absolutely gobsmacked by being asked for ID. I fumbled in my purse for a bit and tried to fob her off with credit cards and my university card but I knew she couldn't really accept them. Crushing sense of disappointment as I walked home, which led me to decide maybe I shouldn't just pick up my passport and go back for them. I shouldn't want a drink that much. But then I shouldn't want to speak to a certain person so much that every time he leave the coffee room I have to stop myself from bursting into tears, either. Blah.

Just got to keep on going. Always just got to keep going. Day after day after day. Maybe tomorrow I can buy cider. Or chocolate. Or even better, both.

On why running out of medicine is a bad thing

This week has gone by in a blur.

Sunday was the Terror's party which involved me panicking and calming down and absolving myself of all responsibilty for being a good hostess and thus surviving the event. I even managed to help deal with party bags. Unfortunately, Hubby was on hyper-stress-alert and thus found the whole thing draining. We finally got him calmed down later, only to have the whole family descend again and he got dumped with organising dinner...after two failed calls to favourite eateries we settled on fish and chips takeaway. Which was good all round.

Monday everyone left and life almost settled down to normal. Slight problem in that I'd run out of happy pills by this point and couldn't pick up my prescription until the end of the Tuesday when it had finally been signed. So I was a bit....wobbly. Not as bad as I could have been. But extra stress for Hubby. And a major factor in not getting anything done this week.

Wednesday and Thursday both involved trips into town - for drugs and post office to collect late pressies (thanks C&J and TAB!) and then again for comics naturally. We also picked up Zombie Fluxx which should be fun for next Wednesday if my game falters again. Having had no preperation it didn't go too well and I ended up throwing plot stuff at the players in the hope they might think of something to do. Which they did, so I suppose it worked as a GM tactic.

And today also wizzed by, partly because Hubby set off larping - it's the Lions' Winter Parliament this weekend - and partly I suspect because I'm just getting used to full dosage of citalopram again. Admittedly the sherry may have something to do with the last two hours disappearing. I swear I haven't had that much....

Oh - and in disasterous news - Moniack have changed the shape of their mead bottles! Slightly thinner and taller - less good for necking and more importantly the wrong shape for the Moniack pouches Darkblade do! I propose a letter writing campaign....

And finally, because at least one person has asked for it, I've put my entry for Pulp Idol 2 online here. It's not that terrific - too much superfluous scene-setting, Over-Capitalisation-Of-Doom!™, the plot fizzles and the ending is slighty deus ex mathematica. But I finished it which is something of an achievement in itself I suppose.

Now, to bed!

Friends, Family, Comics and a Train Set

It's been a hectic week.

Last weekend was spent in Birmingham at the International Comics Show with best friend R. We had a great time: drank too much, spent not enough and got far few too autographs. I got to speak to Paul Cornell (and bounce about to people all week afterwards) and didn't get a sketch of Deadpool from Staz Johnson. We resolved to go next year, and I'll take the family too. Terror can dress up and look at all the pictures of superheroes, Hubby can geek-out as well. And some families go to Butlins....

R stayed for a few days after we got back to York, but being used to being by herself was happy wandering around town and writing and sketching. The con got her writer-juices flowing again and she's resolved to finish the first draft of her magnum opus (seven years in the making) by my birthday. I'll be the first, possibly second, maybe third, fourth, etc., person to see it. She's also concluded that the graphic novel medium is probably best, altthough that does mean she'll have to find an artist. As for myself....I've recovered from SFX's Pulp Idol II competition and might start writing again. Someday. Starting this blog is a step in the right direction I guess.

No sooner had R left than we had to start preparing for the family arriving. I had my first ever filling yesterday, which wasn't so bad but I appear to have broken it already. Oops. Went to cavery last night with Nana and the Terror mostly behaved but was very tired. Today, his actual birthday, was far too exciting all round. With my family down as well there were ten of us squashed into our little house. Terror was quite happy with all his presents but unsuprisingly once Grandma and Granddad brought his Take-Along-Thomas train set little else got his attention. He dragged us to the park a couple of times, and loved the attention of all four grandparents I think. Ate little of his birthday tea and didn't even finish his cake (Tardis cake today). Tomorrow morning is his birthday party with friends from nursery at Creepy Crawlies. At least someone else is doing the majority of the organising. We have got some toys to add to party bags and the cake of course (balloons on this one). And the Terror will be accompanied by a complete entourage of grown-ups, somewhat abusing the free entry for adults with a party I guess. Should be another fun day and then hopefully things will settle down for a bit. Before the build up to Christmas of course....