Wednesday, July 2, 2008

On ennui and the death of ambitions

It's been a mixed few days.

First, the good: my supervisor wasn't as disappointed as I feared and we've set a reasonably achievable goal. He still has faith in me which is gratifying and might be enough to get me through this. Tonight should hopefully be our second WotG session after last week collapsed due to two players not making it. Got bit worried that it wouldn't happen yesterday but hopefully that's been patched up and we might have to start with only one player down. Or she could turn up, you never know your luck....Also,SFX used my summary of Pushing Daisies in their Speak Your Brains feature: "A cross between a fairy tale for grown-ups and an ice-cream sundae covered in caramel sauce!" Which goes to show maybe I shouldn't be so shy to post on the forums after all.

Second, the awesome: OMG! I'll be devastated if that truly does turn out to be the end of the Tenth Doctor, but I doubt RTD has the guts to dispatch him in such a fashion. There's the slight issue of knowing David has filmed scenes for the Christmas special....that could all be an elaborate con, or more likely a flashback or a two-doctor story (!!). To be honest, I don't care as long as next episode is good. I don't even mind a reset button a la Last of the Time Lords provided it's done well enough.

Lastly, the bad. Well the title says it all really. Last couple of days it's been a struggle just to get out of bed, let alone play, do housework or write thesis. And sitting in the coffee room earlier just reminded me how out of place I feel here. I've invested so much of my identity and dreams of the future in an academic career that having finally accepted it's not going to happen I'm left...empty. While other people rush to tell me I'm clever and capable I know deep down inside I'm not - not good enough anyway. I barely understand my own work, struggle to string sentences together when writing a silly blog post let alone a paper and have failed utterly to give a decent talk in my four and half years as a PhD student. I've not done too well on the teaching side of things either, and there are few enough jobs for people more talented than me. I'll count myself lucky to get anything once I've finished writing up - I doubt I'm employable at all. Even working as a cleaner for fifteen hours a week nearly killed me as I took to drinking vodka first thing in the morning to get me through it. It's frankly too depressing to think about. But every now and then it creeps up on me and sends me into a spiral of despair. So far, the only way I've found of getting me out of it is either a) cry until I feel sick then slowly pick myself up, or b) watch Coupling.

"I've got the key to the gates of paradise... but I've got too many legs!" Genius.

While writing this I listened to: Hey Dude - Kula Shaker, Children of the Revolution - T. Rex, Sittin' on My Sofa - The Kinks, Not the Girl You Think You Are - Crowded House, Yes - McAlmont & Butler, By My Side - Chris de Burgh

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